Let's talk about Baroness. Finally! You can get a much more detailed rundown of Baroness' creation courtesy of Mark Sneddon. Here, I want to put it in the context of "The Revenge of Cobra," with the Baroness as the catalyst for all of Cobra. While Baroness didn't get a toy until Series 3 in 1984, she was essentially the second character created for Cobra — yes, before Destro and Major Bludd.
Tasked with turning a dozen random character profiles into a compelling narrative, Larry Hama was faced with a rather large problem: he had one bad guy. Cobra Commander. A guy with a metal faceplate. His subordinates? An army of similarly masked nobodies, indistinguishable from each other (because fascism, evil, etc.). So Larry Hama went a little rogue and created a new character, someone for Cobra Commander to interact with, someone with an actual face that artist Herb Trimpe could illustrate.
Enter: The Baroness, in 1982's G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero #1.
Remember, Hasbro had to be convinced by Marvel editorial to make villains (Archie Goodwin coined the name "Cobra") and to make more female characters (we wouldn't have Cover Girl if it wasn't for Marvel EiC, the late Jim Shooter, suggesting they make vehicle drivers women, so that the female figures wouldn't end up as peg warmers). By creating the Baroness, Larry Hama spurred Hasbro to do both of those things at once, and she made her way into the first cartoon mini-series.
Now ... okay, men will be men, and I'd be skewing the narrative if I didn't mention that the reason why the Baroness is the Baroness is partially due to men being keen on having a severe, leather-clad villainess around. If you're a heterosexual man and you're going to create a brand new supervillain, why not make her a hot lady? Like, a really hot lady? So, the Baroness. Being a homosexual myself, it never even occurred to me that the Baroness was considered "hot" — probably not until Sienna Miller showed up in 2009's The Rise of Cobra looking like a fan illustration you'd see on DeviantArt. Then it all made sense (although I still think that Baroness, especially in her blue jumpsuit and green glasses, looks more scholarly than sexy — it's still giving "...her?"). But what do I know — I had a didn't-know-it-was-a-crush on Dial-Tone when I was six.
Anyway — the Baroness pulled off something that no other (to my knowledge) character was ever allowed to do: she jumped from the comic to the cartoon — and then to the toy aisle. Hama would continue to create original characters for the comic, but red tape would keep them from existing outside of the printed page. The Baroness got grandfathered in, even if it took two years for her to finally get a figure.
While Baroness is a Larry Hama and Herb Trimpe creation, Baroness' iconic black leather outfit comes from figure designer Ron Rudat — and in case you were wondering, yes, her figure's boobs were supposed to be bigger. Listen: if Rudat and Hama didn't mention how hot Baroness is, with her S&M-inspired look, nearly every single time they talk about her — and believe me, I have gone through a lot of interviews! — I wouldn't mention it. But they do, so I will — and that's fine.
Hasbro also knew they had to have more villains, clearly. Just a few months after Baroness debuted in the comics in spring 1982, Ron Rudat was drawing up sculpture sheets for "Cobra Bad Guy #1" in May '82 and "Cobra Villain" in June. Okay, for my own brain, because keeping track of the comic, toy, and cartoon production timelines is more than half the battle, I need to put these events in order:
- March 2, 1982: G.I. Joe #1 published; The Baroness debuts in her original blue jumpsuit
- May 18, 1982: Ron Rudat designs Major Bludd figure
- June 24, 1982: Ron Rudat designs Destro figure
- Late 1982: Ron Friedman writes the first G.I. Joe animated mini-series, including all three new villain characters
- Feb. 8, 1983: G.I. Joe #11 published; Destro debuts
- March 8, 1983: Ron Rudat designs "Cobra Baroness" figure, in her black leather look
- June 7, 1983: G.I. Joe #15 published; Major Bludd debuts
- July 1983: G.I. Joe Series 2 figures hit stores, including Destro and Bludd
- September 12, 1983: G.I. Joe debuts on television, including Baroness (in her blue jumpsuit), Destro, and Bludd
- May 1984: G.I. Joe Series 3 figures hit stores, including Baroness in her black leather (well, plastic — you get it)
And as that timeline reveals, Baroness was well on her way to becoming a figure before the cartoon even debuted. And whereas Destro and Bludd were named by Hama after Rudat's design, Rudat's design has Larry Hama's chosen codename, Baroness, written on it.
That brings us to fall 1984 and G.I. Joe's big return to syndicated TV. What I find shocking is that, at least from what I can tell from diving into newspaper archives, those first five episodes of G.I. Joe reran on TV for a full year. All the time. Sometimes five days a week, sometimes all at once as a Saturday afternoon feature. I have to imagine that the hunger for more G.I. Joe was strong when "Revenge of Cobra" debuted — and what a feast this mini-series is.
G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero Mini-Series 2, Episode 1
"The Revenge of Cobra Part 1: In the Cobra's Pit"
Original Airdate: September 10, 1984
Writer: Ron Friedman
Director: Dan Thompson
Cast: Chris Latta, Zack Hoffman, Arthur Burghardt, Bill Ratner, Michael Bell, B.J. Ward
Now we're cooking.
Respect where it's due: the first mini-series is fun. It certainly got the job done, cementing G.I. Joe as a new pop culture canon and not just one doll action figure, and Hasbro's answer to Mattel's Barbie. But. Personally. I do not care about the "Original 13," a.k.a. the 1982 wave of Joes that started the whole thing. It didn't help that most of them were already old news by the time "The M.A.S.S. Device" aired, with the 1983 Joes (Duke, Gung-Ho, Snow Job, Torpedo, Cover Girl, etc.) being drafted into service. But even then, going back and watching the first mini-series, the cast feels small — even unfamiliar. For me, the 1984 class is where things start to feel like G.I. Joe — and that's due in large part to the rise of Cobra. See what I did there?
"Revenge of Cobra" sees Cobra's ranks swell considerably with instantly iconic characters that, at least for me, cement Cobra as just cooler than G.I. Joe. Where there was previously a quarreling quartet of bad guys, the enemy forces now include a Village People-esque biker gang, a shape-shifting mercenary who's allergic to sunlight yet loves to show off his midriff, a saboteur in head-to-toe gray on gray camo, a machinist wearing a jockstrap over his jumpsuit, a motorboat driver in a turquoise tank top, and a damn ninja. Oh — and Baroness is now a dominatrix. This rips so f'ing hard, so hard that I'm not even checking to see if that is actual slang.
The new opening credits, which include an animated "Revenge of Cobra" logo in an almost Scooby-Doo-esque spooky font, also show off the 1984 Joes (and some 1985 ones, too). Duke is still front-and-center, leading the motorcade in a RAM [1982 retail: $4.99], but now the ranks include Roadblock, Recondo, Flint, Lady Jaye, Spirit (and Freedom), Mutt (and Junkyard), Blowtorch, Cutter, and — literally parachuting into the opening credits after Cobra's retreat — Ripcord. Oh — and Snake Eyes is now a ... commando knight? Yeah, sure. It's awesome.
The episode starts with a Danger Room opening (a.k.a. an action sequence specifically designed to show off characters and concepts — and in this case, new toys). The Joes are doin' an old-fashioned convoy (all the rage at the time), transporting a cannon with a highly desirable "laser core" — and you better believe Cobra attacks. They have the element of surprise, partly because Scrap-Iron and his Stinger [1984 retail: $6.49] and Firefly and his Cobra Flight Pod (a.k.a. Trubble Bubble) [1985 retail: $2.39] were new to toy shelves. Hell, the Trubble Bubble wouldn't be available for purchase for another few months. Cobra achieves their first victory of the mini-series, securing the laser core as well as Duke and Snake Eyes. But the Joes aren't left empty-handed; Gung-Ho literally catches Cobra Commander (a.k.a. "Rust Breath"), whose C.L.A.W. [1984 retail: $1.80] got knocked out of the sky by one of Lady Jaye's javelins.
Okay — just a blanket statement here: pretty much any G.I. Joe action sequence is roughly 10x more exciting than words can convey. The show excels at this, especially when you consider that shows like Spider-Man and His Amazing Friends are peers of G.I. Joe. Take, for instance, Lady Jaye's debut, wherein she stands up in the driver's seat of her VAMP [1982 retail: $8.99], keeps a foot on the steering wheel, and hurls a javelin. It's just badass.
News of Rust Breath's capture triggers his insurance policy: Zartan and the Dreadnoks. CC's being taken to Blackwater prison — which is a prison that exists now; it opened in Florida in 2010 and currently has a 1-star rating on Google. As a home for a swamp-based biker gang, Florida makes sense — but the Dreadnoks, at least in the comics, are rather famously based in the New Jersey swamps. Take your pick!
Zartan and his Dreadnoks — in descending level of book smarts: Buzzer, Ripper, and Torch — intercept Col. Sharp, a generic officer who's on his way to Blackwater. The Dreadnoks put the colonel and his driver in a cage and Zartan, the master of disguise, takes over as Sharp. BTW: When Zartan puts on the mask, his hood is animated as his hair, which is how I have always seen it! I assume this is like with Toad in Mario, if you see him as wearing a hat or not? I'm #TeamZartanHair and #TeamToadHat.
Now, the Dreadnoks. Something we're going to be unpacking over the course of 144 episodes is the intersection of traditional depictions of masculinity and just straight up gay gayness. I know that straight men look at the Dreadnoks, with their leather and shades and beards, as virile, manly men. Gay men, though, look at the Dreadnoks and see Buzzer's chaps, Ripper's belly shirt, and Torch's bare chest. Where you see Mad Max and hear AC/DC, I see the Village People and hear, well, the Village People (and Judas Priest, although Rob Halford's real influence won't be seen until Dr. Mindbender in 1986). The Dreadnoks exist in that overlap. Unintentional as it may be, they are himbo leather daddies and I love them.
Posing as Col. Sharp, Zartan infiltrates Blackwater and immediately connects with another Cobra operative: The Baroness is already there, posing as a prison doctor. The first time we see the all-new Baroness, she's pulling the pin out of a grenade with her teeth and chucking it, to close off their escape route from followers. It's a standout piece of animation.
Also, okay, yes, the Baroness is hot.
This leads to the escapees hopping on the back of the Dreadnoks' Chameleon swamp skiers (1984 retail: $4.20] and a chase scene that feels directly pulled from Endor.
I have to stop and point this out. This is Gung-Ho in a Sky Hawk [1984 retail: $3.29] chasing Zartan and Cobra Commander on a Chameleon. These are vehicles with relatively complex designs doing a high-speed chase through a swamp, in animation. I know that children's TV was not taken seriously in the 1980s and was viewed as transmissions from Hell or whatever by activist groups, but — I can easily envision a better 1984 where parents instead focus on G.I. Joe's animation, character design, and world building to inspire kids to use their imaginations, tell stories, and/or just draw. That's what it did for me! Yes, G.I. Joe was a toy commercial, but everyone involved in actually making the show didn't see it as just a toy commercial, and they didn't settle for doing the bare minimum. At every turn, this show does the most.
So, what about that laser core? The new Cobra helicarrier, one with a giant red cobra head, docks at a new HQ. Cobra's moved on from the Silent Castle (in what I always assumed was the fictional Trans-Carpathia, which may or may not be the very real Transcarpathia, which is in the Ukraine) to a temple that rises and lowers beneath the desert sand with the flip of a switch. I'm going to call this the Desert Temple until an official name is given (if it's ever given).
The laser core is for Destro's new machine, the Weather Dominator. With a group of Joe Skystrikers [1983 retail: $14.95] inbound, Destro literally shoots a tornado at them. Three of the jets — carrying Flint, Roadblock, and Mutt and Junkyard — crash right where Destro wants them: in the Pit of Chaos.
Major Bludd, fresh off another victory, mentions the fact that Cobra Commander has been, y'know, captured. Destro is so uninterested in rescuing CC. Cue Cobra Commander, with Zartan and the Dreadnoks; Baroness is curiously M.I.A., perhaps because she knows just how much her BF hates Zartan. I could write another 1,000 words about Cobra's internal politics. There's no reason for them to be this complex, but they are. They're like a season of Survivor, except one where every player was a Richard Hatch, a Russell Hantz, a Sandra Diaz-Twine, or a Parvati Shallow. Destro, a Scottish laird, thinks he's above a mercenary like Destro. But Zartan's curried a lot of favor with Cobra Commander; I actually think it's solid head canon to assume that Zartan busted Cobra command out of whatever prison they ended up in after "The M.A.S.S. Device." It's great, and this expansion of Cobra makes G.I. Joe feel right.
Annoyed that his time in charge has been cut short by Cobra Commander's return with the riffraff, Destro moves forward with his plan to kill some Joes with killer vines. And Cobra Commander, now in his casual lounging hood, unleashes the Weather Dominator on the world.
Your move, Joes!
PROGRESS REPORT
Clearly I love Cobra, but I'm also excited because my favorite Joe couple — Flint and Lady Jaye — are now in play. Also I failed to mention the debut of Storm Shadow, but all he does here is flip a switch.
STRAY BLASTS
The G.I. Joe theme actually originated with the commercial; it was written by copywriters Spencer Michlin and Ford Kinder. They weren't hired by Hasbro, though; they were brought onboard by Jay Bacal, who was part of the advertising agency that represented G.I. Joe. Bacal would become a creative consultant on G.I. Joe and had a great relationship with the Season 1 showrunner, Steve Gerber ("Jay is perhaps the only producer I have ever heard actually say to a writer, 'Gee, are you sure this is weird enough?'").
As for whose voice you hear, belting out this tune, I'm assuming it's either Michlin or Kinder; I've gone down a Google hole trying to figure it out. I didn't get an answer, but I learned that Ford Kinder quit advertising to dedicate his life to AIDS/HIV research and now specializes in infectious diseases in Florida.
In addition to designing Baroness, Ron Rudat also gave us the gayest looking G.I. Joe character: Keel-Haul. I learned that Rudat may have modeled Keel-Haul after Stephen Hassenfeld, the Hasbro CEO who was, in fact, gay, and also apparently very handsome. Instead, Rudat modeled Keel-Haul after Clark Gable.
Zartan is just bizarre.
Up until now, the technology has been the only sci-fi leaning part of the series. Now we have Zartan, a guy who is a literal chameleon, except when he's exposed to sunlight. That causes him to turn navy blue, robbing him of his "camouflage ability." And on top of that, his chest armor makes lightsaber noises and glows red in accordance with his temper. There will never be an explanation for any of this, as far as I can recall. Of course the actual explanation is that Hasbro learned about heat-sensitive, color-changing plastic and made a figure out of it.
Also, Destro's hands, which I always assumed were silver gloves, actually have fingernails. So, whatever silver coating allows for his "mask" to move like skin, he must also be wearing it on his hands. Or he has fingernails carved into his gloves, like nipples on a bat-suit.
MONEY TO BURN
Normally I will do this for every fifth episode, ahead of an imaginary Saturday trip to a toy store. But, it's been a year since the last episode aired, and I think it's crazy to assume that alternate reality little kid me has not used any allowance to buy another Joe. So, with another $5, I'm adding Gung-Ho to my collection and saving the rest. Will I buy a vehicle next???
Thanks to Half the Battle, Yo Joe!, 3D Joes, Joe Guide, and Joepedia for all of the research.
Until next time, reading is half the battle!
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