G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero Mini-Series 2, Episode 5
"The Revenge of Cobra Part 5: Amusement Park of Terror"
Original Airdate: September 14, 1984
Writer: Ron Friedman
Director: Dan Thompson
Cast: Zack Hoffman, Arthur Burghardt, Chris Latta, Bill Ratner, Kene Holliday, Michael Bell, Mary McDonald-Lewis
There's a real paradox to these five-parters that open up G.I. Joe: so much happens in every single episode yet there's so little plot. I don't say that as a knock against these mini-series. They have the vibe of early '90s Marvel comics, where the lack of story is more or less masked by turbo-powered momentum and, well, raditude. Every chapter is jam-packed with characters and vehicles locked into over-the-top action set pieces, with nonstop zippy, quippy dialogue. The feeling is very, "We may not get the chance to do any more G.I. Joe cartoons, so make sure that these episodes count." And count they do!
Let me just blast through the plot, such as it is. The arctic team of Joes escape death-by-avalanche by melting the falling snow with their laser rifles. Zartan, now in possession of the Laser Core, sends out a ransom message to G.I. Joe and Cobra: whoever pays the most gets the final part of the Weather Dominator. But Zartan did not count on both G.I. Joe and Cobra *69-ing his ass, and both factions track him to the Dreadnoks' headquarters — Bayou World Park in the Everglades.
I do want to point out that a portion of Cobra Commander's giant wall monitor and console is wrecked from a previous tantrum — and then he wrecks the next console over.
Meanwhile, back at Cobra's Desert Temple, Duke, Snake Eyes, Roadblock, and Honda Lou West have a pair of electric laser robot monsters to fend off. They do this by "reversing the polarity." This looks like the Joes throwing Honda Lou at a giant pole and having her swing around it like a truck drivin' Aly Raisman until she bends it over enough to connect with another giant pole. Sure! The captive Joes break free and send a location pin out to Joe HQ, with Cobra none the wiser.
Cobra is, however, wise to the fact that they'll need the third part of the Weather Dominator after buying (or taking) the Laser Core from Zartan. Enter: Storm Shadow, who silently breaks into Joe HQ, slipping past Short-Fuze and Zap (who replaces Steeler as Short-Fuze's comedy partner). This scene includes a great line from Short-Fuze: "A couple minutes ago when I didn't hear anything? I ain't hearing it again." Storm Shadow then goes full Ethan Hunt, dropping into the Hydro-Iso-Master-whatever's glass prison and snatching it right out from under Timber's nose.
Things don't go well for Zartan back at Bayou World. Instead of negotiating the terms of the sale from a safe distance, Cobra crashes his abandoned amusement park and prepares for war. Zartan turns on the park's defenses, which include lasers strapped to everything. You thought bumper cars were already dangerous? These have ammo. But two Joes, Ripcord and Breaker, are on-site and cut off the power to Bayou World, leaving the Dreadnoks defenseless. Ripper, Buzzer, and Torch speed away, but Zartan (on his Chameleon [1984 retail: $4.20]) and the Laser Core are captured by Destro.
Now that he's in possession of all three pieces, though, Cobra Commander is ready to let bygones by bygones. Zartan is welcomed back into CC's good graces, infuriating Destro, who is told to "stop sputtering like a wet toaster." And while I don't like pointing out the show's ... curious ... animation choices, because I know this show had the tightest of turnarounds, I have to give a special shout out goes to whichever animator decided to show Zartan's plump booty, skintight pants clinging to every curve.
Then the full might of G.I. Joe, ground and air, descend upon the Desert Temple. Destro tries to destroy them with the fully operational Weather Dominator, but Cobra's no match for an attack outside and inside. Yeah, the ex-captives — equipped with the longest hose in the temple — roll up on Cobra Commander and chuck those deadly vines at him and the Dominator, ending the fight. All of Cobra is taken into custody, except for Destro and Zartan, who hitches a ride on the back of Destro's Viper glider [1983 retail: $4.20].
Wow.
I really, really can't wait until we get to episodes that are one coherent story with a precise beginning, middle, and end.
PERSONNEL REPORT
First Line of Dialogue: Greenshirt, Rip Cord
Let's give it up for Honda Lou West, MVP of this entire escapade IMO.
She's just a truck driver — a successful one, president of Wild West Hauling with an entire convoy of 18-wheelers under her command. And when said convoy full of vittles is taken over by Cobra — for reasons that are never explained? Is this just how Cobra goes grocery shopping? — she fights side-by-side with Roadblock. Not to free her 18-wheelers, but to stop Cobra from destroying the world! I mean, the Joes literally throw her into battle and she comes out a winner.
What I'm saying is, Honda Lou West should have become a Joe. Period. As far as this canon is concerned, she does — and also Wild West Hauling is responsible for delivering all of the food at Joe HQ.
... AND COBRA-LA IS WEIRD??
Another new section, because some Joe fans like to act like the 1987 movie is when things got too weird. This episode features electric, wire-frame, energy monsters. And then there's Zartan, whose camouflage ability (seen multiple times here) remains unexplained. As far as I'm concerned, he is an actual mutant.
MONEY TO BURN
At the end of every five episodes (essentially a Monday to Friday's programming), I'm giving myself $5 to spend on G.I. Joe figures during a Saturday shopping spree at Hills, the Walmart precursor where my grandmother worked as a greeter (even though she was infamously cranky).
After saving up money last week, I have $8.25 to burn. No question, I have to buy the Chameleon with Zartan. I don't have money for two more figures, so I'll keep this pattern going and pick a Joe: Roadblock, come on. I've got $1.80 left in the bank for next time! And I will spend the rest of my childhood scouring toy aisles for a Honda Lou West figure that will never be made...
Thanks to Half the Battle, Yo Joe!, 3D Joes, Joe Guide, and Joepedia for all of their research.
Until next time, reading is half the battle!
Next: "The Further Adventures of G.I. Joe"
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