G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero Mini-Series 1, Episode 5
"The M.A.S.S. Device Part 5: A Stake in the Serpent's Heart"
Original Airdate: September 16, 1983
Writer: Ron Friedman
Director: Dan Thompson
Cast: Arthur Burghardt, B.J. Ward, Michael Bell, Chris Latta, Morgan Lofting
The previous episode ended on a cliffhanger as an airship carrying Destro and a captured Scarlett spiraled towards a mountainside and certain doom. While that catastrophe is averted in the first minute of the episode — Scarlett guides Destro (a.k.a. Jerk, a.k.a. Hammer Hands) through using her crossbow's gadget arrows to reach the ship's control panel and pull it out of a nosedive — the feeling of a nosedive towards certain doom persists throughout the episode. The overall execution of this episode is giving —
Y'know, I highly doubt Ron Friedman was working from an outline while writing this five-parter, but at least he tried to tie up all the loose ends (well, the ones he could remember) in the finale. Duke's amnesia? It's cleared up thanks to a dip in a bacta tank! Silena's ring? It's a homing device so the Joes can find the castle! All the slaves that Cobra's using to do ... something? They're freed! Oh, and that shirtless guardsman in the jeans and boots? He's here too! The Eiffel Tower? It makes its way back to Paris, eventually! The kidnapped world leaders? They're back, and Destro's going to execute all of them unless every country surrenders to Cobra! There is a lot going on in this episode, but also not that much going on in this episode.
The first big mistake made by Cobra: putting Scarlett in the same dungeon as Silena — and yes, according to the G.I. Joe Field Manual published by IDW in 2012, her name is apparently spelled that way.
Silena, under the impression that Scarlett is a Cobra plant, throws hands and actually keeps up with Scarlett in the ensuing tussle. But when Scarlett clocks Duke's ring on Silena's finger, these two come together and discuss how to maximize their joint slay.
Granted, it's not like they're up against serious opposition. Cobra is a wreck. Destro is furious that Cobra Commander wasted all their glitter sand in a botched attempt to blow up New York City. Cobra Commander, however, has responded to his goof up by putting on his pink cape and waving around his serpent scepter. Nothing shakes up CC's confidence, but Destro sure tries. He chucks Cobra Commander across the hangar and takes command of Cobra.
As much as Destro clearly prides himself on being a serious person, he's still a man in a metal mask wearing a shirt open to his navel, a giant amulet around his neck, and a collar that doubles as a travel pillow. He's ridiculous and he's going to do ridiculous things, like try to execute world leaders every half hour unless he gets what he wants. Gotta admit: I don't know how many other '80s cartoon villains threatened to execute world leaders in a children's show. Destro is not joking, bitch.
But Destro has two problems, and their names are Scarlett and Silena. They free all the slaves and lead a revolt — that is quickly quelled by Destro and Cobra's troops. These queens rise up, revolt, and are back in shackles so quick — it's like the flower shop scene in The Room.
The Joes have to act fast, so Duke strips down to his briefs and hops in a sensory depravation tank so Doc can unclog Duke's mind. Where did Doc study medicine, the Stranger Things lab?
Yes, the briefs were integral to the memory-restoration procedure.
Also, all of the Joes are watching Duke's memories — including Clutch, who is snacking on an apple for some reason. We get a little backstory for Duke, glimpses of some real "lasso the moon" style Americana. However, Doc says that Duke grew up in Iowa. That is incorrect; Duke was born in St. Louis. Ultimately that doesn't matter, but it is a discrepency between the cartoon and the filecard — another discrepancy that makes me wonder if Ron Friedman looked at the filecards, or if the 1983 figures' cards were even written before the script.
Duke finally remembers that he gave Silena the homing device ring, which leads the entire team to attack the Silent Castle. This action sequence is a bit of a dud compared to the raid on the Cobra helicarrier we just saw. It's overcrowded with weird sci-fi vehicles, giant cobra-shaped robots, and weapons that were never part of the toy line, nor would they have fit in.
Okay, actually the snake robots fit right in and Hasbro should have made those.
Plus the animation feels very Part 5 of 5, like the money and time ran out. And nothing surprising happens, except for the shots of a random dude in a plain white tee storming the castle alongside the Joes.
Actually, I'm going to say that's Torpedo, who showed up to the early morning raid after a walk of shame.
So yeah, Scarlett and Silena are rescued, Destro gets away, and the rest of Cobra are last seen in custody. Hmm ... I wonder if Cobra will ever get their revenge!
PROGRESS REPORT
I love that this series doesn't make us wait for Cobra to "rise." They're an established, completely dysfunctional terrorist organization with a secret snake castle. However, I kinda wouldn't mind knowing more about how Cobra Commander, Destro, Baroness, and Major Bludd all view each other. Baroness is clearly Destro's bae; she's the one who immediately tells him of CC's blunders when Destro returns. But while Destro actually feels like a begrudging business partner of Cobra Commander's, Baroness is shown taking orders from the ol' reptilian popinjay. So she works for Cobra, yet is romantically linked to her company's weapons supplier. Major Bludd is just there for the fun of it.
I've developed a very newfound appreciation for Scarlett. I never responded to her, as she always felt more put together and I like my heroes with a bit of rakish charm and/or chaotic energy. But within this pared down roster, Scarlett actually shines as one of the more dynamic members of the team.
She's tenacious (... And You Will Know Scarlett by the Trail of Unconscious Cobra Troops) and also tender in a way that enhances her tenacity. It doesn't feel like, "Oh, she cried over Snake Eyes sacrificing himself because she's the girl." It feels like, "Oh, she cried over Snake Eyes because she's a well-rounded character capable of complex emotions." Also, this characterization makes true a part of her filecard that I previously questioned: "Scarlett is confident and resilient ... it's remarkable that a person so deadly can still retain a sense of humor." That's true! Scarlett does have jokes!
Of the rest of the Joes, I think only Snake Eyes and, oddly enough, Gung-Ho possess that depth (or glimmers of that depth). Duke is just Captain America-ing about, Stalker needs more screentime, Snow Job is just sexy, and all of Torpedo's personality clearly shows up after midnight.
STRAY BLASTS
Y'know, I'm going to hold off on Baroness one more week and devote all the character spotlights for the next mini-series for Cobra's characters.
I do, however, want to talk about the reaction that G.I. Joe received from parents, because the mini-series almost immediately got wrapped up in some incredibly '80s moral panics from concerned adults.
As reported by the AP and UPI news agencies, the public interest group Action for Children's Television filed a complaint with the Federal Communications Commission on Oct. 11, 1983 urging them to restrict broadcasters from airing cartoons that they deemed to be "program-length commercials." Peggy Charren, the founder of the Massachusetts-based group, said that "someone has to let broadcasters know that they can't get away with turning children's television into the big sell." Before there were Karens, there were Peggys ...
The 16-page complaint singled out G.I. Joe, along with Smurfs, Dungeons and Dragons, Pac-Man, Strawberry Shortcake, Shirt Tales — basically every animated series based on a pre-existing IP. Charren's argument boils down to, "The new prime-time program Hotel is not called Marriott Hotel." But, Ms. Charren, what if Marriott bought some ad time during Hotel, hmmm? Her argument seems to intentionally forget that all television — outside of PBS — exists to sell stuff. But y'know, even Sesame Street had toys.
Just a week later, G.I. Joe was one of a few shows (He-Man and the Masters of the Universe and Dugeons & Dragons, again) accused of preparing "children for future battlefields." This time it was the National Coalition on Television Violence and psychiatrist Thomas Radecki claiming that these shows and the "violent" toys they promote were teaching kids that violence is "the healthy, all-American-hero way of attacking problems," and that "it is never suggested there is an alternative to combat for solving these conflicts." Never mind that Radecki (b. 1946) likely grew up watching westerns, war movies, and/or creature features at the theater or on TV. I'm sure there was lots of nonviolent problem solving going on on Gunsmoke, The Rifleman, and Have Gun — Will Travel.
So, what kind of dangerous, potentially influential acts of violence did Radecki see in these cartoons? "We're talking about shooting people with ray-guns, people being incinerated, having spells cast on them and getting sucked into a magical egg and getting thrown over a cliff." Thomas — if Kenner was selling actual ray-guns and Hasbro was offering mail-in orders for magical eggs, maybe then you can worry. It should be noted that Radecki was just getting started on this crusade. He was one of the main guys behind the Dungeons & Dragons panic of the '80s.
And where is Radecki now? Well, in 2013 it was discovered that Radecki was using a program called "Doctors & Lawyers for a Drug Free Youth" as a front to trade prescription pills to drug addicts — frequently young women — in exchange for sex. And yes, one of those victims did give birth to his child. Radecki is currently in prison; in 2022 a judge overturned his request for a commuted sentence, saying he did not deserve a "senior citizen discount."
As for Peggy Charren, y'all, before she complained to the FCC about G.I. Joe being a glorified commercial, she was already a veteran of advocacy for ... I'm going to say it: boring TV. A decade prior, ACT had already successfully pressured some networks to drop "violent" superhero programs like Aquaman, The Batman/Superman Hour, The Fantastic Four, and Spider-Man. Charren and ACT ultimately won and the Children's Television Act was passed in 1990, which required networks to commit to airing shows with a direct "educational or informational" purpose, and required a strong divide between the program and commercial breaks. Charren was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom by President Clinton in 1995. All of that is great. We love educational programming. We love a clear distinction between storytelling and advertising. Kids need that content. I was dragging Peggy earlier, but clearly she did incredibly valuable work and was never arrested for a sex crime, so she definitely walked the walk and talked the talk more than some of her peers.
But. But but but. I just — as a 40-year-old man who still remembers what it was like to be a six-year-old, I hate when adults treat media like the boogeyman, as if kids are these blank slates upon which is scribbled the values of whatever they just saw. Storytelling is itself rooted in conflict, and conflict can look like violence — but there is a difference between the violence in Looney Tunes and the violence in Hellraiser. And every generation that comes along and acts like they're the ones who are going to solve the problem with children's entertainment, they themselves grew up on Power Rangers, G.I. Joe, Land of the Lost, Lost in Space, The Lone Ranger, war movies, fairy tales — it goes all the way back, baby. I think it's wild to treat children's shows as a monolith, like they all need to be Mister Rogers or not exist at all. Let kids programming have some action. It doesn't matter what kids watch. Have you met kids? Kids have so much energy. Kids are going to run and jump and climb and stomp and fall and shove. That's what kids do!
Sometimes kids are lonely, indoor kids who feel like they don't belong with their classmates, nor do they share many interests with their family, and they just want to go on adventures with a group of cool, smart, capable, funny heroes for a half hour before breakfast or after school. I wonder why I know that to be a fact?
MONEY TO BURN
So... after all that ... How can I write about G.I. Joe and not write about the show's ability to sell toys? After all, I've been including the retail price of every vehicle I write about. Let's put those numbers to work! Every week, I'm going to give myself a $5 allowance (in 1983 dollars) and see what I can buy — no, what I have to buy. I'm a child, I'm impressionable, and I have cash from taking out the trash burning a hole in my pocket.
Okay, after watching this week's episodes, I'm absolutely getting Scarlett (v1.5, with the swivel arms). And I was big on having bad guys to fight my good guys as a kid, so I have to get Destro. Scarlett and Destro, the iconic rivals that G.I. Joe will surely build a franchise around! That leaves me with fifty cents carrying over to next week.
Thanks to Half the Battle, Yo Joe!, 3D Joes, Joe Guide, and Joepedia for all of the research.
Until next time, reading is half the battle!
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