G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero Mini-Series 1, Episode 4
"The M.A.S.S. Device Part 4: Duel in the Devil's Cauldron"
Original Airdate: September 15, 1983
Writer: Ron Friedman
Director: Dan Thompson
Cast: Chris Latta, B.J. Ward, Arthur Burghardt, Michael Bell, Morgan Lofting
If last episode was the most unhinged yet, then this one is the — I'm not going to say "most hinged," because that would be an unhinged thing to say. But it is easily the best chapter of this opening salvo, and it's a damn fine tease of what this show is capable of when it's really cooking. We've got dynamic character work, big action, and a fantastic performance by Latta as Cobra Commander. Plus, the day is saved(ish) by three different women.
The first of those women is Cover Girl (Liz Aubrey). When last we saw the Joes, they were all choking on the fumes of a Cobra bomb. It turns out that the canister Snake Eyes brought the crystals home in is, in fact, a Cobra bomb (whether or not this implicates the kindly old maybe-wizard who recovered the canister for Snake Eyes, we'll never be sure). Cover Girl manages to stay conscious by using a wet cloth to breathe through, filtering out the fumes. This is true, BTW, although not well enough to fully rely on for long. Fortunately Cover Girl and Timber are close to a V.A.M.P. [1982 retail: $8.99] They hop on board, punch it towards the perimeter fence, cutting hard at the last minute and letting the momentum yeet the canister over the fence and into the sky where it explodes. Hell yeah!
Also Cover Girl knows Timber's name even though Snake Eyes cannot talk, nor was there really much time for him to introduce Timber were he able to talk. Just go with it.
There's a lot more to say about Cover Girl in Stray Blasts below, but I want to point out something about the voice actor. G.I. Joe's commitment to casting voice actors with the lived experience of the Joes extends beyond ethnic heritage, because Cover Girl — supermodel-turned-mechanic — is voiced by a blonde bombshell model-turned-voice actor (later athlete). Again, I don't know if the producers were intentionally doing this, but it's wild either way.
With all the Joes awake, Dr. Vandermeer (Peter Cullen) tests out their hastily-assembled M.A.S.S. Device using a synthetic glitter sand. He tests it out on Gung-Ho's (Latta) trusty rifle, which rematerializes in Snake Eyes' hands looking like a cubist painting. Yep, the Joes are gonna need to get that glitter sand, which is actually dust from a prehistoric meteorite that landed in a volcano in South America where it is currently bobbing up and down in lava like a beach ball in a Palm Springs pool.
Unfortunately for the Joes, Cobra has already won. Stalker (Burghardt) pops onscreen with an encrypted messages alerting the Joes that they've been ordered by the president to surrender to Cobra. Behind Stalker, soldiers and tanks can be seen trudging towards defeat. Those are, of course, toys. And this message, of course, is a ruse quickly cooked up after Breaker (Latta) detected Cobra sneaking around in their system.
This also gives us a moment of synergistic cross-promotion when Gung-Ho wanders onto the set and starts playing with what are essentially the very same Joe vehicles that kids had (or wanted to have) at home. He picks up a Wolverine and says, "They're kinda cute, y'know? Better than an electric train set." From your mouth to latchkey kid ears, GH! Only three months 'til Christmas, mom and dad!
The transmission cut off before Gung-Ho's playtime, so Cobra Commander is absolutely convinced that his threat to destroy New York City has led to victory. This, subscribers, is the true debut of Cobra f'ing Commander. My reptilian popinjay is seated at an ornate table, Thanksgiving feast before him, clutching a massive chicken leg like a combination trophy, microphone, and gavel. The leg has a big bite taken out of it, which is madness because CC is wearing a metal faceplate. Is he swinging the faceplate open every time he takes a bite? Honestly, that would make sense; he can eat and still hide his blue skin and half dozen eyeballs from Destro (Burghardt). Because that's what he looks like, remember? Canon.
He bangs the table with the chicken leg — "Victory, Destro! I said, victory, Destro!" — sending plates of licked-clean bones and bowls of chicken legs careening through the air. This is the most delicately animated sequence of the episode. It's glorious. Destro, however, is wary of this "victory" and leaves, holding on to what dignity he can muster while being associated with Cobra Commander. CC's response is the first LOL of the series:
"Where are you going? I've arranged a banquet!"
However, as time passes and the Joes' never-ending surrender march never ends, Cobra Commander grows impatient. He said he would wipe New York off the map, and he keeps his promises. So, with Baroness (Lofting) at the controls of the M.A.S.S. Device, the commander orders up one catastrophic mass casualty event. What Cobra Commander doesn't count on is Selina (Marla Frumkin), the "beautiful slave girl" who is the episode's second boss lady. I've decided that Selina could escape from the Silent Castle at any moment but stays behind because someone has to fight Cobra from within. She chucks a pitcher of water at the M.A.S.S. Device, causing it to short circuit, sparing the lives of New York City's seven million inhabitants. Selina's taken away — or rather, Selina lets herself be taken away. After all, she can cause more trouble the deeper she's taken into the castle.
And that leads us to the episode's major set piece: the retrieval of a giant meatball from a hot volcano of glowing marinara. This is the first time that we really see the show juggle a dozen characters in one sequence, giving almost all of them a moment. It starts as three Dragonfly helicopters [1983 retail: $8.99], each carrying a trio of Joes, circle the volcano and latch a bunch of magnets to the meteorite. Steeler (Latta) and Short-Fuze (Frank Welker) continue their Abbott and Costello bit; Clutch (Bell) is knocked out of the copter, but grabs hold of Breaker's foot ("Let's hear it for big feet!"); Wild Bill (Welker) says a hole heap'a gibberish that is incomprehensible to anyone who doesn't speak Texas twang.
My favorite bit, though, happens after they initially latch onto the meteorite. Gung-Ho is piloting the Dragonfly with Scarlett (Ward) and Wild Bill standing behind him, peering over his shoulders. Excitedly, Gung-Ho reaches back and blindly raps Wild Bill on the chest three times. He then instinctively tries to do the same thing to Scarlett, without looking, and she catches his fist before he can bonk her boobs. Gung-Ho quickly turns around, realizes what happened, and then instead slaps her hand three times and says, "Way to go, Scarlett!"
This is what I'm talking about when I say that this show is legit. There is no reason for a toy commercial to waste this much time on a small character moment. And that's because G.I. Joe was never just a toy commercial. This beat is all in service to character, and it's a fantastic bit of animation. You see the "attaboy" pride in Gung-Ho's face, followed by shock/embarrassment, and finally a tenderness when he pats Scarlett's hand. And Scarlett goes from happy, to WTF, to warmly amused. Wild Bill is expressionless under that hat, sunglasses, and mustache, but even he turns his attention briefly when he sees this moment.
And this level of attention is paid to the entire action sequence, from Destro's air raid on the Joes' fishin' trip to the repeated attempts to catch the massive meteorite in giant nets affixed to airships. Destro's plan is to pop the meteorite out of the volcano like a champagne cork (a very Destro simile), which he does. But Duke and Ace intercept the rock with a comparatively chintzy net slung between two Skystrikers, both planes listing to one side (the animation is on point this episode). The big meatball burns through their net and lands in Cobra's where it's retracted into a massive helicarrier — one that bears resemblance to the one seen in the iconic 1987 movie opening, but is not the same.
That's when the Joes go off. Gung-Ho puts the Dragonfly on auto pilot and he, Scarlett, and Wild Bill take off on jetpacks, leading a raiding party on the helicarrier. The fight choreography on this show is a thing to behold frame-by-frame. Scarlett lands on one trooper, elbows another one in throat, slings off her jetpack and kicks another troop upside the chin all in one fluid motion.
The other Joes join them — including Snake Eyes and, in another moment that I could call the best of the episode, Timber! That wolf just straight jumps out of a helicopter, gracefully, might I add, right into Snake Eyes' arms. When they hit the cobra ship, these two get to work like Halle Berry in John Wick 3. It's on.
And now it's time for Woman #3 to save the day — or, rather, ruin a day. Destro's day. The Joes take control of the airship save for Destro, who's evaded capture, chipped off some meteorite glitter dust and is ready to made a break for it. Scarlett goes after him and puts up a fight, but is taken captive, thus allowing for Destro to escape. But y'all know Scarlett's not going down without a fight! While tied up in Destro's getaway ship, she manages to grab her crossbow with her feet, in heeled boots, and fire it at the controls — thus sending her and Destro careening towards a mountain! It's badass.
And that is how you make an episode of G.I. Joe.
PROGRESS REPORT
I think I might need a section dedicated to how characters are progressing, especially as the cast grows. So — Cobra Commander finally feels like himself, although Baroness is still a sketch of a character. Scarlett is the unequivocal badass of the team. No one gets as much action as her, not even Snake Eyes; Snake Eyes is still in his commando era, less in his ninja era. For a big tough marine, Gung-Ho is introduced as a softie with a favorite rifle, an interest in toys, and feels a little like a younger brother to Scarlett's big sister. I also enjoy Short-Fuze and Steeler's almost Sam and Diane-like banter. This doesn't last long, though, as the show invests all its comedic energy in Alpine and Bazooka, and later Leatherneck and Wet Suit.
STRAY BLASTS
The action on par with, if not better than, what we'd see on X-Men a decade later — perhaps because, as a syndicated series, G.I. Joe was not noted to death by a network. "When you jump over to the syndicated shows, there's considerably more freedom," Season 2 story editor Buzz Dixon told Comics Interview in 1986, "though on G.I.Joe we're not allowed to kill anybody. We're allowed to hurt people. We'’'ve had characters break legs, be knocked into comas, be burned, be cut — but we've never been allowed to kill anybody in the show. I personally think that the kids see right through this and they assume that when a tank gets hit, everybody inside it gets incinerated."
So, Cover Girl! No, she's not a main character this episode, but she saves the day in the first minute of the episode and, truthfully, this is one of the few opportunities I'll have to write about her. Plus, I gotta get into her makeover! Bless G.I. Joe for including an ex-supermodel character.
First, for a line marketed to boys, G.I. Joe actually released a female figure in every wave from 1982 to 1987: Scarlett, Cover Girl, Baroness, Lady Jaye, Zarana, and Jinx. It's a step up from nothing, sure, but nothing is what similar toy lines [glares at Toy Biz's X-Men line] did year after year.
Cover Girl is an interesting character, in that she's one of the very few who actually underwent a dramatic makeover between mini-series. She's animated here with long blonde hair and cheekbones, which after a quick run through a list of '80s supermodels, I'm going to say are very Jerry Hall (she of Roxy Music's Siren fame, and the long-time wife of Mick Jagger). When she returns in 1984's "Revenge of Cobra," she'll have an auburn bob more reminiscent of, say, early '80s Isabella Rossellini.
This drastic change is a bit odd, however, since the Cover Girl that had been on toy shelves packaged with the Wolverine tank [1983 retail: $6.39] was of the latter, auburn-haired design. No blonde bombshell to be seen. Why is that?
I'm going to credit Cover Girl's existence to Hasbro's team-up with Marvel, which took place after a chance meeting between then Marvel president Jim Galton and Hasbro CEO Stephen Hassenfeld — who was gay, by the way, and one of the gay men that we lost to the AIDS epidemic. I will be writing more about him eventually, since we owe G.I. Joe as we know it to Hasbro's gay CEO. Happy Pride.
But — anyway, I gay digress: as Marvel Editor-in-Chief Jim Shooter recalls, Hasbro goes to Marvel in late (?) 1981, taking the designs for the 1982 figures with them. Among them is a female character, perhaps included because of the success Kenner had with their Princess Leia figures (she had three at this point). During this or a subsequent meeting, Shooter and/or Larry Hama started pushing for more diversity in the Joe lineup. In a 2023 interview with Talking Joe, Shooter says that he suggested to Hasbro that they need to make more female figures — and if they're worried about them not selling, make the vehicle drivers women so that boys who want the vehicles will have to get a female figure, too.
That's exactly what Hasbro does. By June 1982, toy designer Ron Rudat had designed "female tank driver", to be released with the second wave of Joe figures. Whereas the first wave of figures coincided with the Marvel Comic launch in spring 1982, these figures — including Duke, Snow Job, and Cover Girl — would coincide with the animated mini-series' debut.
As for whether or not Rudat's design is of a "female tank driver" with long blonde hair, that's up to interpretation. Rudat said in a 2020 episode of G.I. Joe Debriefed that he did intend for Cover Girl to have long blonde hair, what with her codename being "Cover Girl" — although it's more likely that Rudat's design came before she got the name, as that was the workflow. The design doesn't say "Cover Girl," after all. But the hair on the design does look like it could be blonde, when compared to how Rudat shaded in Scarlett's hair in her preproduction illustration. And length — well, from the front, Rudat's illustration looks like she could have long hair. Long hair is a problem with action figures! It limits, or outright nixes, neck movement, which is a pretty important point of articulation. Scarlett's figure has a bob even though she has long hair in the comic and cartoon. So, Rudat's design doesn't necessarily mean Cover Girl was meant to have short hair.
That's important to keep in mind, since both Scarlett and Cover Girl make their animation debuts together, and this Russ Heath character design sheet from "The M.A.S.S. Device" shows that Cover Girl still had long hair as of April 1983. But the disconnect between toy and cartoon had to have happened between Rudat's toy design in June 1982 and Heath's animation design in April 1983, because the Wolverine tank with short-hair Cover Girl was in stores by mid-1983. And when Cover Girl debuts in the Marvel Comic in issue #16, she has short auburn hair, like the figure. So when the blonde version of Cover Girl appears on TV, she is off-model from the toy and the comic. A theory: Because animation takes more time to produce than a comic, maybe the mini-series was too far along to change her hair. Or maybe because she's such a minor character in the mini-series, they decided it wasn't a big deal. When she returns for 1984's mini-series, "The Revenge of Cobra," she'll look like the toy.
Did I answer my own question? No. I don't know why Cover Girl got a haircut and dye job / went back to her roots. I do think that part of it may have to do with Hasbro not figuring out how to make long hair work on a figure until Baroness, Spirit, and Zartan (his hood) in 1984. Instead of having a cartoon with long hair and a toy with short hair like Scarlett, they gave Cover Girl's locks the chop. I don't know why she wasn't a blonde, though, because her auburn hair makes her look almost identical to Scarlett, even with the different hairstyles. And if she was a blonde, then you'd have five women — Scarlett, Cover Girl, Baroness, Lady Jaye, Zarana — with five different hair colors — red, blonde, black, brown, neon orange. Seems pretty toyetic to me! Oh well! A mystery for later.
As is becoming a running joke, I will have to get into Baroness next time. But if you want an in-depth version of what I'm going to sum up, you can read Mark Seddon's heavily-researched account right now.
Thanks to Half the Battle, Yo Joe!, 3D Joes, Joe Guide, and Joepedia for all of the research.
Until next time, reading is half the battle!
Next: G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero Episode 5
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