Star Wars: Skeleton Crew Episode 5
"You Have a Lot to Learn About Pirates"
Writer: Myung Joh Wesner
Director: Jake Schreier
Cast: Ravi Cabot-Conyers, Ryan Kiera Armstrong, Kyriana Kratter, Robert Timothy Smith, Nick Frost, and Jude Law
Back on At Attin, Wim's dad engages in some light le Carré with Neel's mom. Resigned to the truth that the Supervisor is unlikely to help them find their missing children, Nooma entreats Wendle to steal a digital Barrier entry key via his office terminal. With that, they could at least transmit a message to the kids. She palms him the most conspicuous dongle she could possibly find and leaves him to Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy his way to the white collar gulags.
He's caught immediately.
Fortunately the Security Droid reports him to Undersecretary Fara, Fern's mom, who shuts it down and orders a memory wipe. She's not entirely on board for the other parents' plot, but her faith in the system is getting shakier by the hour.
Meanwhile, the kids have a still-deactivated SM-33 on the ship, bound in rope. They're understandably reluctant to turn him on again given his recent attempts to rend them limb from limb. KB's been doing some tinkering with his sprockets though, and Jod is, as ever, hyper-fixated on accessing more leads vis-à-vis treasure. Upon activation, the droid is composed, as though pacified by a nap and a Snickers. He casually name-drops his old captain, Tak Rennod. This means nothing to the kids as they don't get out much (by edict of the Supervisor), but for Jod this means it's time to buy a vowel.
"This ship is the Onyx Cinder," Jod murmurs reverently, finally giving voice to a proper noun from the marketing materials I've avoided referencing until now. He goes on to explain that Tak Rennod was Blackbeard, basically. Granddaddy of all pirates, and this was his ship. Plundered the galaxy for years, reportedly in search of At Attin, until one day he up and disappeared along with the Cinder and all his crew.
Fern receives this lore with all the antipathy of Fred Savage in act one of The Princess Bride. Her priority is getting home. Even now SM-33 doesn't have the coordinates, but he knows where they're hidden, deep beneath Skull Ridge Mountain in Rennod's lair. Well, let's get going! So ordered, SM-33 bursts effortlessly from his bindings and sets a course.
En route, SM-33 fills in the rest of the story. As Captain Rennod ventured to At Attin, the crew mutinied, pinning him to the wall with the same blade Jod's presumably carrying now. In his dying breath, Rennod locked the controls, dooming everyone aboard the Cinder to perish as it crashed into the planet. Jod is positively delighted. Wim? Not so much. This is far from the tails of gallantry he enjoys on his StoryPad. He retreats to a quiet corner to cry.
Jod blunders reluctantly into a heart-to-heart with the boy, who confides that he misses his parents, including his late mother. Sat on the floor with him Jod drops what seem to be some half-remembered Jedi maxims. It sure sounds like their bullshit. Don't hold on to "attachments?" Hmm. "Your focus determines your reality?" This guy either spent time at a temple or they were really bombing him with pamphlets. He draws on his connection to the Force, whatever it is, to levitate the StoryPad to Wim's hands.
"Make your life the one you wanna live," Jod says like he's Willy Wonka grasping Charlie by the shoulders in that back office where everything's cut in half.
"Wait, but if you're not really a Jedi, how'd you do that?" Wim asks. Jod simply smiles conspiratorially, jabs his shoulder, and saunters away.
Every Old Republic Credit they're dumping in Jude Law's lap is well spent. What a magical character.
As they make planetfall, cruising through a snowy mountain range, SM-33 muses on the dangers of his old captain's lair. But those other ships out there sure do scream pleasure yacht. They're being flanked, escorted, by smaller ships reminiscent of the twin-pod cloud cars at Bespin. Sure enough they're broadcasting to the Cinder. This planet is Lanupa, a "neutral planet" where all are welcome if they keep the peace.
Jod is tickled to learn they've arrived on Lanupa of all places. There's a reputation. And not one of danger. This is Space Sandals.
The escorts overhear the kids' voices and caution that Lanupa is intended for adult visitors, children prohibited. No problem. Jod hustles down the gangplank to greet the glamorous hotelier (Julie Ann Emery, who I know as Betsy Kettleman from Better Call Saul). He introduces the hastily disguised kids as wise elders from the Bratric system. This is Thor with the flimsy blue veil in the Sakaar marketplace. This is some proper Star Wars Rebels nonsense, and I love it. The hotelier is like, sure, whatever. SM-33 looks upon the tiered fountains and manicured landscaping in despair. Giuliani's Time Square all over again.
Security confiscates Jod's knife and slap a restraining bolt on SM-33's chest. The droid immediately protests, but receives a powerful shock as he attempts violence. At his earliest opportunity, Jod levitates the knife back to his hand before concealing it in his coat. What follows is some of the most outright fun we've had in live-action Star Wars in a purrgil's age. The hotelier offers a tour of this lavish hot mud spa, replete with vacationing Hutts and giant novelty cocktails. Jod bribes her with credit after credit to secure a reservation and ignore the kids' increasingly conspicuous behavior as they explore this bizarre new setting. He glances at a screen and chooses to embody "Doctor Gorelax." Gosh, it'd be terrible if someone he knows walks up right about now.
Give her a braided mohawk, bone-white skin, and even whiter irises, but I'd know Kelly MacDonald's brogue anywhere. Jod is incredibly alarmed to see Pokkit, a striking acquaintance who knows him as Dash Zentin. There's history here. He stole a bounty out from under her. She's playing passive aggressive now, just another guest here for some R&R, but she makes it clear she knows he's up to something and won't hesitate to turn him in should there be any open claims on him.
The crew retreat to their suite for pillow fights and plotting. Pokkit's made them, so Brutus and his boys are incoming. They need to act fast. They agree to split up to search the spa and sensory gymnasium. SM-33 provides Rennod's secret symbol, which Fern locates in the spas. Cthallops, an enormous tentacled guest, perhaps a kindly eldritch horror oligarch, helps them reach the lower grottos. Reunited as a full group, they enter a warren of booby-trapped tunnels. Now we're in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade territory. Lasers? Spike traps? Riddles? Giant cisterns of acid? Luckily they choose wisely.
All the while, a detachment of pirates arrive planet-side and aren't shy about blasting their way through spa security to bring their quarry to ground.
The crew reach a bona fide treasure room lousy with trinkets and trap doors. Some kind of…okay, we're going to call this a hinged roast duck (???) serves as a lever to reveal the hidden data port. This, in turn, activates a hologram of the faceless Captain Rennod. This is his log, and in it he reveals that At Attin is the last Old Republic mint. With this information, Jod pauses to consider his loyalties. In one of the bigger anime betrayals of all time, he invokes the right to challenge Fern's captaincy as laid out by the Pirate's Code. SM-33 is forced to comply.
The kids are dismayed. Jod doesn't want to hurt Fern, so he advises her to yield. When she lashes out with an improvised weapon, Jod easily disarms her and puts his knife to her throat, imploring her to surrender. Wim spies a lightsaber amongst the treasure and brandishes it, stepping forward in a duelist's stance. But when he thumbs the switch to ignite it, the blue blade erupts from the bottom of the hilt, downward and into the floor. It nearly takes off his foot and he yelps in terror, casting it aside. So much for heroics. Fern is forced to yield.
Jod orders SM-33 to take the children prisoner. As the droid slowly lumbers toward them, Wim triggers one of the trap doors, sending all four kids down a chute. But to where?
With bigger fish to fry, Jod summons the discarded lightsaber to his hand. We cut to black as he ignites it.
