A lot has happened during this series' unplanned four-month hiatus. Most important to mention: I ... moved to Minneapolis. After 19 years in New York City. And now Minneapolis is in chaos, because of the government, this despotic administration, and the evil actions of a goof troop Gestapo. All that's happening, mind you, in the wake of us committing war crimes against Venezuela, and in the run-up to (?) America ... invading Greenland? To what end? Jesus Christ, these wannabe Nazis can't even keep America from falling apart. Y'all really want to run — I mean ruin — three whole countries, huh?
I mention all of this because there's a vocal subset of G.I. Joe collectors who ... think all of this is really cool. Because, I don't know, they get to see real tactical gear and weapons ... on the bodies of undertrained Barney Fifes as they slip and fall and/or are humiliated by regular Joes. These baby-brained men pay so little attention to the actual characters that constitute G.I. Joe, they actually think Flint and Lady Jaye would respect Donald fucking Trump's dementia-addled whims. They think Roadblock would finish up his lunch of tasty arepas and then throw the chef into an unmarked van. They think Bazooka would shoot a mom in the face. These idiots really threaten to ruin this whole franchise for me, to the point where I wasn't even sure I could or even should pick up where I left off in September (when things were just horrifically bad and not Civil War bad),
I hit "play" on "Three Cubes to Darkness," and hear the first words of the episode's recap: "Using Fatal Fluffies — "
I'm back, baby.
Every time right wing Joe collectors come close to convincing me that G.I. Joe is just macho, testosterone-fueled, pro-fascist propaganda, I need to watch the Sunbow cartoon. That's my G.I. Joe. Remember: G.I. Joe is a subversive, satirical, anti-fascist science-fiction franchise grounded in a sincere appreciation of character and devotion to diversity.
G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero Season 1, Episode 3
"The Pyramid of Darkness Part 3: Three Cubes to Darkness"
Original Airdate: September 18, 1985
Writer: Ron Friedman
Director: John Gibbs, Terry Lennon
Cast: Neil Ross, Lee Weaver, John Hostetter, Frank Welker, Kene Holliday, Mary McDonald-Lewis, Corey Burton, Bill Ratner, Michael Bell, Pat Fraley
As the title implies, this episode hits pause on the space station antics and follows the installation of three Control Cubes ... as well as more of The Adventures of Ship 'n' Snake. Let's go cube by cube, and then close out in Enterprise City.
CUBE #1
Location: Devil's Playground
Mission Commander: Destro
Opposition: Flint, Lady Jaye, Wild Bill
We pick up where we left off: with Flint and Lady Jaye drowning in cherry-colored "boiling mud," which has the appearance of lava and acts like quicksand. Fortunately, Lady Jaye's quiver of incredibly specific javelins would make Hawkeye envious. She attaches and triggers a bubble-blowing spearhead that envelops the not-quite-a-couple, giving them space to breathe (but not much!).
This right here is why I love this damn cartoon, still. The show hits pause on the boiling mud and the Control Cube and the chrome-faced villain lurking above to give us a moment of legit romantic tension between Flint and Lady Jaye.
"Where do we go from here?" Flint asks, before awkwardly clarifying, "Not us, personally; I mean the mission." I love the dynamic here, Flint tripping over his words while Lady Jaye is the (wo)man of action (while blushing, of course). I love this because it's pure character work, the kind of moment that makes you love these characters.
Anyway — Lady Jaye continues her MVP streak when she single-handedly incapacitates Destro and his troopers using a net javelin. Flint tries to blow the giant cube to pieces with a mine, but the cube's defenses kick in. Doc Ock-style tentacles pop out, ensnaring the Joes, dislodging the mine, and freeing Destro, who flees the scene.
I do need to point out that, while Joe was forward-thinking in its portrayal of video calls, Destro uses what looks like a living room TV — no plug, just sitting in the middle of this rocky wasteland — to call Cobra Commander.
Wild Bill leads the reinforcements, but the Cube's defenses lock them in a shoot out long enough for the Cube to be remotely activated.
CUBE #2
Location: City of the Dead
Mission Commander(s): Tomax, Xamot
Opposition: Airtight, Footloose, Roadblock
As far as character dynamics go, this trio has nothing on the other Joe teams — and that's a shame. There was a dynamic in the previous episode, with Roadblock as the experienced Joe saddled with two weirdos, Space Case (Footloose) and Nerd Alert (Airtight). That's not as front-and-center this time around.
Interesting to note: Roadblock doesn't speak in rhymes in this episode. That's something I want to point out, because I think Roadblock's Nipsey Russell-isms are one of those things that haters point to as an example of this cartoon being silly [derogatory] instead of silly [complimentary]. So no, Roadblock doesn't only speak in rhymes. He does, however, say, "Let's lay these ceramic suckers out!"
This is one of G.I. Joe's many Temple of Doom riffs, as Airtight steps on a tile that awakens the temple's "ancient guardians." This does lead to a frenetic action scene, as the temple's lightsaber-wielding skeleton warriors menace every living thing they see, Cobra and Joe alike. But ultimately, nothing stops Tomax and Xamot from setting their Cube up in time to be remotely activated.
CUBE #3
Location: Mountain of Glass
Mission Commander: Major Bludd
Opposition: Alpine, Bazooka, Frostbite, Tollbooth
Here we go! Let's talk about my other absolute favorite duo in all of G.I. Joe: Alpine and Bazooka. I love these two so much. I feel attached to them because they feel like underdogs, under-appreciated by the fandom.
I presume this perfect pairing came directly from screenwriter Ron Friedman, because neither character's filecard even hints at this pairing (or even these personalities). Alpine's says that he was an accountant who took up rock-climbing as a therapeutic hobby, to cope with the "quagmire of his past." Bazooka's calls him a "decisive fast-thinker with all the instincts of a natural survivor." Both of those are either hilariously wrong, or they enrich what we see onscreen.
Alpine's cool and sarcastic, always ready with a quip ("I may even quote you in my memoirs!" "You'll have to use the Alpine Taxi Service!"), but if he's using humor as a deflection? To mask an isolated childhood and a bunch of family/workplace trauma? Uh, believe me, that resonates! Bazooka's is harder to justify. For one thing, he's essentially monosyllabic. As for his "instincts," he loses his grip on a rope, falls, knocks Alpine off the rope, slides down a mountain, and gets caught in an avalanche, ultimately breaking his leg. But. He doesn't die! So, "natural survivor"? Sure!
What's great about these two, in their first outing as G.I. Joe's premiere dynamic duo (before being replaced by Leatherneck and Wet-Suit in Season 2), is their natural and unpredictable chemistry. Ron Friedman wrote episodes of pretty much every sitcom of the 1960s and 1970s, and I think that's why these two click immediately. They're Andy and Barney, Skipper and Gilligan, Felix and Oscar, Max and 99 — you get it.
As for what they get up to in their scenes? Well, Alpine uses an avalanche (caused by his signature yodel, which ends with "oooooh yeeeeeahhh") to create a path for the Joes to reach the Control Cube. And then Major Bludd uses an avalanche to knock Bazooka and Alpine out of commission. They end up stranded far away from the rest of the Joes, drifting on a tiny chunk of ice like they're two Buddy the Elfseses. The Control Cube is activated remotely, but that's not the major threat. The episode ends on a different cliffhanger: Alpine and Bazooka, threatened by ... A LEOPARD SEAL!
Meanwhile, in Enterprise City ...
Let's check in with Shipwreck and Snake Eyes, a duo that also works surprisingly well together. They take cover in the Snake Club, and Shipwreck bribes the host to get Polly and Timber in too. The club is aggressively '80s; the background is packed with characters who look like Jem and/or the Holograms doing repetitive Charlie Brown dances. And then, just as Ship & Snake take a seat, a show starts.
It's Satin, the Snake Club's entertainer-in-residence, singing "The Cobra That Got Away." But in the middle of her number, Satin clocks the two Joes and helps them elude Colonel Slash by pulling them onstage and adding them to the chorus line.
Yes, this is where Snake Eyes' infamous breakdancing moment comes from.
Satin continues to aide the Joes after the show, stashing them in her dressing room and essentially bullying Colonel Slash and his goons off of their trail. She then hands Ship and Snake some disguises ... but more on those next time.
PERSONNEL REPORT
First Appearance: Frostbite, Snow Serpent, Tollbooth
First Line of Dialogue: Snow Serpent, Tollbooth
STRAY BLASTS
In terms of screentime, Alpine and Bazooka get basically the same amount of exposure as Snake Eyes in Season 1. Oh, I love stats:
G.I. Joe Members, ranked by screentime in Season 1
- Lady Jaye: 01:56:26
- Flint: 01:28:26
- Duke: 01:22:54
- Shipwreck: 01:19:58
- Scarlett: 01:06:32
- Gung-Ho: 00:48:20
- Dusty: 00:40:27
- Roadblock: 00:37:46
- Alpine: 00:35:38
- Snake Eyes: 00:32:44
- Bazooka: 00:31:47
I mean, that's not nothing, especially considering that there are roughly 60 Joes with screentime in Season 1! But when it comes to the larger Joe hive-mind, I would say that Bazooka is maybe B-list, with Alpine a step below in C-list. I just want to see more Alpine merch and toys, dammit!
Let me pause and point out how insidious Cobra is in this children's cartoon. They are powerful enough — or maybe just rich enough — to have a very popular nightclub in Enterprise City, which I assume is analogous to New York City. And there's no denying the connection, either, because Satin literally name drops Destro in her song, "The Cobra That Got Away." I guess this nightclub could be one of Cobra's many recreational getaways (we'll see more of those in future episodes), but Snake Eyes and Shipwreck get front row seats after walking in off the street.
What I'm getting at is this: I think we (at least I) tend to operate under the assumption that Cobra is — depending on what the script needs — either a secret ruthless organization determined to rule the world, or perceived as an organization of lunatics determined to rule the world. But if Cobra is both hijacking global airwaves to issue demands and operating a nightclub that's openly fascist and open to the public in presumably the biggest city in America ... ? Kinda makes you wonder what all those bodacious background characters are doing at the Snake Club.
Are they off-duty Eels and Crimson Guards, ready to unwind after a long day of bootlicking? Or are they average American citizens who willingly overlook the Snake Club's fascist leanings because, man, the DJ is just so good.
I'm saying, The Snake Club is the Chick-Fil-A of the Sunbow-iverse.
AND COBRA-LA IS WEIRD?
Thanks to Half the Battle, Yo Joe!, 3D Joes, Joe Guide, and Joepedia for all of their research.
Until next time, reading is half the battle!
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