Welcome to the 2025 Heistmas Advent Calendar, a daily drop of pop culture Christmas icons, oddities, and joy. Check back every day from now through December 25 for each daily entry!
Christmas specials are, by and large, family friendly. You're not getting dick jokes in Rankin/Bass specials and crude language is either censored by the story itself ("Awwww fuuuuuuudge") or by the TV networks. Yes, there are exceptions (holiday horror, for instance, or holiday horniness that's so naked its in the title), but by default, you don't expect top-tier raunch when you put on Christmas content.
The Golden Girls would like a word with you.
Despite being a show primarily about four senior citizens navigating life after 60 (or after 50? Oh my god, the Golden Girls weren't old), the show has the sheen of an '80s sitcom. It was filmed in front of an audience, on a stage, on videotape — it's as classic as they come. If you're not well-versed in TV history, maybe it would surprise you to find out that Golden Girls remains one of the sharpest-written shows ever put on a screen — and one of the filthiest. And it's a Christmas episode, one scene from a Christmas episode, that demonstrates just how funny and filthy the show was (and is).
Picture it: Season 2, Episode 12. "'Twas the Nightmare Before Christmas." Streaming on Hulu. The setup: At Dorothy's urging, the girls have decided to not go into debt making gifts for each other. Rose's suggestion: they make gifts for each other. Great idea. Dissolve to: Christmas Eve. Rose hands Dorothy a present. She says that it took her a week to whittle it. That's a warning sign.
Dorothy opens it and ...
It's a maple syrup spigot. And Rose took back a pair of pearl earrings that Dorothy wanted in order to do this whole "handmade gifts" thing.
That's not even the joke that we're here to talk about. It's just that, as a fan of classic television, I am required to mention this joke whenever possible, for it is a perfect joke. It's the first of a string of perfect jokes in this scene. The next one, the filthy one, comes (of course) with Blanche's gift.
It's a calendar of the men who have brought joy into Blanche's life.
Lord, it slays me every time. From base to tip, one of the greatest dick jokes ever told and it comes in a Golden Girls Christmas episode.
God bless us, every one.
Check back tomorrow for even more Heistmas Advent Calendar Goodies!
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