I won't apologize for the fact that I want to fuck a snowman.
Who wouldn't want to, when said snowman looks like Dustin Milligan? With that body? All of the various different good parts of it? Like arms or chest or legs or butt?
The pecs!
The ass!
The abs!
The biceps and triceps and various other -ceps!
The Adonis lines! Also known as the Apollo's belt! Also known as the iliac furrows! Also known as — and I can only write this last term because I Work Here and because I am sleeping with the editor-in-chief; and I'm writing it because it's Gay Culture and that's important; but I'm also going to apologize because I think my nephew signed up for this site, and though he is an adult, it will still be very upsetting for him to be hearing the following term from an older family member, and, again, I'm sorry about that, and I'm also sorry to my in-laws who are good Christians, but now I'm way too far in to stop —
The cum gutters.
There are three other things I love about Dustin Milligan: First, he might be a little bit gay; for instance, he served weapons-grade cunt as Rachel McAdamsapple on Secret Celebrity Drag Race. Second, he exudes Nobel Prize-worthy himbo energy. And third, he's Canadian — which for me, an American, adds a veil of exotic mystique.
These three traits in aggregate mean that — although I think he's straight — if I ask him nicely, he might still be polite enough to slam my ass until my pelvis shatters.
Now let's talk about Hot Frosty, a movie that finally answers the question: What if someone wrapped a big red scarf around an uncanny-valley-lookin'-ass snowman, and that snowman came to life fully naked, accidentally flashed an elderly couple, broke into a clothing store to don some straight apparel (sleeveless coveralls), and then spent the rest of the movie on the run from the cops?
That was a long question, so let me condense: What if Frosty the Snowman were an NC-17-rated criminal and we all wanted a chance to melt some butter on that corn cob pipe?
This is a question that has vexed many of history's greatest minds. Geniuses in laboratories have been doing science on this question since the days of Marie Curie. Journalists have been investigating it since Nellie Bly. People have been scribbling math on chalkboards since Matt Damon. And … Netflix just … they tweeted it out.
Now, we've already covered Mr. Milligan's various muscles and gutters, but we did not cover the fact that in this film he is also fully vascular, as though he were doing crossfit while he were frozen in place and still made of snow, getting absolutely snow swole. He is so absolutely cut that, once that scarf goes on, and he turns into a real boy, he makes other snowmen look like three blobs stacked on top of each other. I don't mean to body shame, but by comparison I simply do not find the other snowmen fuckable.
Dustin Milligan's snowman is named Jack, presumably named after Jack Frost, but, also, if you are in the same headspace as me, implying an autoerotic sex act. And Jack's not just jacked. He's also smart — and fellas, smart is sexy! He is so smart that he picks up cooking and home repair instantly, simply from watching videos. And suddenly he's cooking and fixing things all over the house.
Comprehend it: This is a divinely sculpted man who makes a killer pizza and then fixes a leaky roof. Just wreck me up and down.
Speaking of cum gutters, can we unpack Jack's foray into roofing? I used to think that there were only two professions that made a man instantly bangable: hot shirtless firefighter and hot shirtless lumberjack. I think the lesson Hot Frosty really teaches us is that hot shirtless roofers can also be instantly bangable, and that's called Diversity and Inclusion and I celebrate that.
I don't want to belabor the point, but I would very much like to have sex with this snowman. Stick that rocket pop in my freezer, daddy. I want all 31 flavors. Let me have a taste of that creamsicle. Grab that cold stone and mix me up. I'll take the whole pint. Ask me what I would do for a Klondike Bar. Yes, I do want to build a snowman, and I want to build him to completion.
I want that Hot Frosty to give me a hot frosty. (Even though he has a really bad haircut.)
