The Royal We
Writer: C. Jay Cox (teleplay); Anne Black and Clare Niederpruem (story)
Director: Clare Niederpruem
Cast: Mallory Jansen, Charlie Carrick, Simon Kunz, Rae Lim, Michael Howe, Carolyn Backhouse, Simon Shackleton, Jacinta Mulch, Nicola Posener
Mallory Jansen (All I Need for Christmas) plays Beatrix, a Boston-based girlboss who runs empowerment seminars designed to train the next generation of, well, girlbosses. And just as she and her business partner/best friend from sophomore year Chloe (Rae Lim) are about to make a big pitch to potential investors, Beatrix's phone blows up, along with her life.
Turns out Beatrix is actually the Princess of ... Austiaerie? Bostiere? Some incredibly small European country where they all speak French with an English accent. Beatrix peaced out of her royal life 20 years ago, leaving the hoity-toity to-do list in the care of her older sister. At the top of that list: marry Prince Desmond of Androvia (Charlie Carrick), thus easing diplomatic tensions between the two countries and settling a dispute over ownership of a particular province. Yes, this is a Hallmark movie with a lot of talk of treaties and ancestral land — it's giving Phantom Menace and "the taxation of trade routes to outlying star systems is in dispute" energy.
Anyway — Beatrix's sister Coralina (Nicola Posener) has called off the arranged marriage, having fallen in love with the castle's plumber. That means that if Desmond wants to prevent his country from going to war, he needs to track down this estranged princess and convince her to marry him. Hence the phone call that changes it all.
But Desmond didn't count on Beatrix, uh, not wanting to do any of that, what with her having a normal life that involves pizza and bowling and wallowing in self-pity post-breakup. However, Beatrix is also not a fan of ... war ... so maybe she should hear this prince out. Also, if she doesn't, then there's no movie. Can Desmond learn how to loosen up and just hang like a bro? And how will Beatrix acclimate to royal life once again? Will these two be able to meet in the middle and meet at the altar?
Smalltown, U.S.A.: Nope, this movie takes place in Boston and what I will refer to as "Weird Europe." Seriously, whenever I watch one of these royal movies, I just want someone to point to a map. How big is Androvia? Is it bigger or smaller than Aldovia? Does it border Belgravia? How long does it take to get to Latveria? The Europe of these movies is just filled with hundreds of teeny little kingdoms where everyone has a vague British accent and approximately one in three citizens is part of a royal family.
Exquisite Exposition: "The Royal Houses of the Monarchy of Baustiere (sp) and the kingdom of Androvia announce the merging of their royal lines with the engagement of the Crown Princess Coralina Eugenia of [that country] to Crown Prince Desmond Carlyle of Androvia. Both houses hope this joyous occasion will forge a path towards reunification, thus easing centuries-old tensions regarding ownership of the Alsimian (?) province." ... That is a lot of info to dump while the opening credits are still rolling.
LOL: Pretty much everything Chloe says is a winner, like "I moved to the big city and now I'm gonna end up on Dateline!" There are genuine LOL moments in here.
No Small Parts: You gotta give it to Simon Kunz, who plays Desmond's right-hand man Edwin. He's the one who has to nail all that complex exposition, and he brings comedic, persnickety fastidiousness to his scenes.
What's In a Name?: Hey, this ain't no generic title. The Royal We actually has a titular line. After a confusing back and forth, Beatrix says to Desmond, "In the interest of direct communication, may we please stop speaking in the royal we?" There are even layers to this title, like Beatrix and Desmond as a pair are literally a "royal we," or rather a "royal us." And there's also the linguistic demarcation that the royal we has, the usage of which separates the rulers from the ruled — which is a barrier that Beatrix wants to break down.
I don't know why I think like this.
Here's the thing: I am ... not a fan of the entire royal romcom sub-genre. I'm especially not a fan of it's gradual takeover of the holiday season. Holiday movies, and by extension Hallmark movies, are formulaic enough as it is. The whole "surprise royal!" schtick is just a formula on top of a formula. It's too much.
All of my problems with The Royal We stem from this admitted bias. I don't understand how Weird Europe works, like how everyone in all of these fictional countries speaks in Downton Abbey English. The prim and proper vs. cool commoner story arc is incredibly predictable. And my biggest problem: Why are people using TV movies, which have low budgets by design, to tell stories set in lavish castles where everything is steeped in opulence? Prince Desmond walks into the royal dining room and I swear we're just at my aunt's house.
To The Royal We's credit, though, it is aware of most of those tropes and it actively flips them on their head — well, maybe not their head. Their side. It nudges and pokes at them — like when Beatrix very correctly points out that Bostonians will absolutely not recognize "princes from small European monarchies," and when Desmond pretends for a while to not know what bowling is, playing into Beatrix's perception of him being out of touch with reality. But then again, there's also a moment where Beatrix poses for a royal photo in a dress that my mom absolutely wore to the Easter church service in 1992. I don't know.
While there are moments of refreshing self-awareness and more than a couple decent jokes, The Royal We isn't exactly an exciting start to Hallmark's month of royal romances. It'll likely appease those who love these movies, but it's not unique enough for the haters to cede any ground.
