Welcome to the 2025 Heistmas Advent Calendar, a daily drop of pop culture Christmas icons, oddities, and joy. Check back every day from now through December 25 for each daily entry!
Sure, you can find your super-polished schmaltzy Christmas albums by the crateful, but…what if you're looking for a holiday album that sounds like after hours at a dive bar, where the band is just polishing off beers and playing for themselves? Where the regulars gather to shout the lyrics to songs from their childhoods and the sax player is on fire? Luckily, there's an album for you!
Rockabilly hero Mojo Nixon's 1992 album Horny Holidays! is a joy-filled, alcohol-fueled romp through plenty of classic Christmas tunes, barely remembered noels, and a handful of holiday originals. It was recorded in four days and has more heart than literally anything by Andy Williams. Seriously, if there was any album that made you feel like you were sitting in the most cheerful bar in the world on Christmas Eve, pounding down drinks over half-cooked cheese sticks, it's this one. It's an experience.
Mojo Nixon passed away in 2024, but his legacy is immense. A rocker from Austin, he made his name with explicit tracks like "Perry Mason of Love" (my favorite), "Don Henley Must Die", and "Stuffin' Martha's Muffin", but for this album he tackles the wide variety of holiday tunes. Standards like "Good King Wenceslas" and "Jingle Bells" are enthusiastically massacred in a remarkably good-natured way. Batman smells indeed. He was one of the few performers in 1992 to remember that "Mr. Grinch" was a holiday song and Nixon plays that one straight. Despite not recalling the lyrics to "Sleigh Ride", he goes whole hog with the little bits he does know.
But outside of the standards, he dug into his immense novelty Christmas album collection to deliver fairly faithful renditions of lesser-known tracks like Mable Scott's "Boogie Woogie Santa Claus", James Brown's "Santa Claus Go Straight To The Ghetto", William Bell's "Every Day Will Be Like A Holiday", and Jimmy Butler's "Trim Your Tree", although the last one gets some extra R-rated love. His "Little Man Song" is a nice, family-friendly original about Santa going about his business.
Most streaming services have Horny Holidays!, although I'd warn you against playing it in mixed company, it does go blue fairly frequently. It's perfect for listening to while driving at night to your favorite gathering spot or picking up fast food. I played it from start to finish while doing just that this evening, and I feel blessed. We'll see you on the other side, Mojo. Merry Christmas.
Check back tomorrow for even more Heistmas Advent Calendar Goodies!
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