Murder, She Wrote Season 2, Episode 18
"If a Body Meet a Body"
Original airdate: March 9, 1986
Writer: Steve Stoliar
Director: Walter Grauman
Cast: Angela Lansbury, Tom Bosley, William Windom, Robert Donner, Anne Jeffreys, Audrey Landers, Lori Lethin, Monte Markham, Rex Smith, Carrie Snodgress, Richard Stahl, Robert Sterling, Joe Maross
Jessica has less than a week to finish her latest novel if she wants to make the Christmas catalog. The last thing she needs is another murder to solve — let alone two.
A Tisket, a Tasket, A Drifter in a Casket
Everyone in Cabot Cove turns out for the funeral of Henry Vernon. Wealthy land owners Ben (Sterling) and Agnes Shipley (Jeffreys) comfort Henry's widow Connie (Snodgress), still in shock over the financial planner's sudden death on a recent holiday. There's Henry's business partner Ned Olson (Markham) and his daughter Christie (Lethin). Christie's boyfriend Stew (Smith), a Marxist blueberry farmer, begs off, disillusioned with the mortuary industrial complex. He drops her off and speeds away in his van. Jessica's there too, no doubt brainstorming literary manslaughter as Reverend Matthews (Stahl) drones exposition from the lectern.
Everything's preachy-keen until doe-eyed Phyllis Walters storms in. This is Audrey Landers, fresh off the film adaptation of A Chorus Line. The young waitress loudly protests the reverend's explanation of Henry's death, insisting he had the heart of a bull.
"And I should know," she says, stalking up the aisle. Connie is aghast. Amos Tupper rises from his seat and attempts to calm Phyllis, but she's not having it. She wants to know why the casket is closed, insisting this is all a cover up on Connie's part. She shoves Amos away from her, upending the casket. A body spills out onto the floor.
It isn't Henry's.
Later, Connie reiterates her story to Amos, Seth, and Jessica. Henry fell ill during their drive North and they stopped for the night in Farnsdale. He died overnight. He was embalmed there. There must have been some mixup, the wrong body shipped to the Cove. Amos meekly asks about Phyllis and Connie admits she knew about the affair, insisting that Henry ended it a while ago. Perhaps his young lover didn't get the message? She also volunteers that Henry had a $200,000 life insurance policy to whom Ned was once the beneficiary. Henry recently put it in Connie's name.
On the ride home, Amos tells Jessica that the authorities in Farnsdale don't have Henry's body. They aren't missing any other bodies either. Could the man in Henry's casket be the victim of murder? Seeing Jessica's excitement, Amos asks that she allow him to handle this mystery on his own. He's apparently caught wind of local rumors that she's the real master detective of Cabot Cove, and that's put a run in his khakis. Jessica says she has no intention of getting in his way. She's got a book to finish. We know better.
Jessica attempts to get some writing done in her kitchen, but is interrupted by a knock at the door. Phyllis is aware of Jessica's reputation for crime-solving and wants to know she's on the case. It sounds like Henry told her it was Connie who'd be getting walking papers. Confronted with divorce, Connie must've killed him.
If losing her rich, older lover weren't enough, Phyllis is plagued by the unwanted advances of Silas Pike (Donner), the not-so-rich, older undertaker. But this guy's far too creepy to be a real suspect.
Henry's business partner Ned Olson meets his daughter for lunch at a local diner. He's got a real axe to grind over her berry-picking boyfriend's prospects. Stew's not much a blue herring in this whole caper; it's his van and vocation that truly matter. His constant temper tantrums are pretty amusing though. Sabrina Carpenter wrote "Tears" for guys like Stew. As for Ned, it sounds like Henry's sudden death really left him in a lurch. The Shipley's inform him they're backing out of his Medical Center scheme and they want their money ASAP. He spends the rest of the episode scrambling for remaining backers like Jessica to increase their investment.
Regarding Henry
Wouldn't you know it? Henry Vernon isn't actually dead, just lying low in an annex on the Shipley farm, unbeknownst to the Shipleys. He watches news coverage of the funeral fiasco and takes a call from a co-conspirator, clearly rattled by the ever-increasing media scrutiny. He rages at them, arguing that this has all gone too far.
Jessica and Amos join Connie at her home for dinner. Jessica makes her exit at 8:45, hoping to salvage a few hours of writing from this absurd day. Connie begs Amos to stay behind to enjoy a John Wayne movie with her and he reluctantly agrees. She dials up the defenseless widow role here, but I honestly think it's the promise of additional pie. He nods off halfway through the film and makes a hasty exit upon waking.
Jessica notices Stew's van roaming the streets as she makes her way home.
In the morning, Phyllis returns home from the bulldog shift at the diner to find Henry, now for-real dead, on her floor. Amos, Seth, and Jessica look over the crime scene. Girl, this Christmas catalog is a wash. It looks like Henry died the previous night from blunt trauma to the back of his head. Seth notes that there should be much more blood at the scene, meaning he was likely moved post-mortem. And what's the deal with those purple stains on his clothes?
Confronted with this news, Connie is forced to revise her story, replete with a very silly flashback montage. The mystery man from the casket was actually a good samaritan who'd helped the Vernons with a flat tire. They thanked him by giving him a ride, but he died from a heart attack in the car. Henry seized on this as an opportunity to fake his own death. The plan was to run off to San Francisco. Connie says she got swept up in Henry's plan and was forced to keep up the lie.
Ned Olson summons everyone to the church to compound the bad news. All of the money from the medical center fund is missing. It's all been withdrawn from the bank. This includes the Shipleys' lump sum, Amos's modest retirement fund, the church building fund, and even the small pittance Silas contributed. Everybody's understandably ticked. But none so much as Stew, whose van was stolen in the night.
It gets crazier. When they head over to Seth's home office, the body of the hitchhiker's gone missing. Someone smuggled it out through the first story window. They ultimately find it buried on the Shipley property near the smoldering remains of Stew's van. Jessica also discovers what's left of a suitcase with the ashes of the town's investment. This is when they stumble on the annex where Henry had been hiding out.
Widow's Pique
Jessica determines that Henry must have used Stew's van to transport the hitchhiker's body in order to cover up his scheme. The murderer then killed Henry and used the van to take his body to Phyllis's house in order to frame her. Jessica plants a seed of doubt, suggesting that Henry's crystal watch-face is missing. Overhearing this, Connie retraces her steps to the scene of the murder. Jessica confronts her there in the garden and lays it all out. Connie killed her husband in a fit of rage with a heavy length of pipe and tried to frame his lover. She was able to sneak out of the house while Amos was snoring on the couch, providing a perfect alibi. She used the van to move the body, hence the blueberry stains on Henry's pants. The watch face was all a ruse. Jessica got the idea from one of Frank's old watches always coming apart. She just needed to see if Connie would take the bait.
Unfortunately for Jessica, Connie hadn't had time to dispose of the pipe, so it's still within reach in a planter. She moves to strike, but Amos and his deputies appear just in time. Girl, one of these days these theatrics are going to get you killed.
Thankfully Connie only burned a small amount of the cash withdrawn from the bank to hide her trail. Most of the investment survives. That's good news for Amos's retirement!
Amos takes credit for the successful investigation, of course. Jessica doesn't mind. She can get back to the business of killing her darlings. They have an arrangement after all.
"I don't write any books," says Amos, "and she don't give out any traffic tickets."
Next week, Jessica breaks bad with guest star Bryan Cranston!
