Confessions of a Christmas Letter
Writers: Jennifer Smith, Kate Smith
Director: Heather Hawthorn Doyle
Cast: Angela Kinsey, Alec Santos, Lillian Doucet-Roche, Fred Ewanuick, Colleen Wheeler
Every year, Hallmark releases dozens of holiday movies — and Pop Heist staffer Brett White has seen them all. All Heistmas long, Brett checks out what Hallmark has to offer, analyzing each movie's setting (Home for the Holidays); calling out the most heavy-handed exposition ('Twas the Night Before This Movie); praising any LOL moments (Ho Ho Ho); singling out the scene-stealer (They Brought Presence!); and deciding if the title matches the story (Exactly as Advertised). To top it all off, each movie is judged on six quintessential Hallmark qualities to determine once and for all if this Hallmark Christmas movie hits or misses the (Hall)mark. Read more Hallmark Hit-or-Miss reviews here.
Buckle up. Angela Kinsey (The Office) plays Settie Rose, a wife and mother who just wants one thing for Christmas: to have her Christmas letter end up on the post office's Christmas Letter Wall of Fame.
Pause. I know what you're thinking: "The post office is a government institution. They've sanctioned a Christmas Letter Wall of Fame?" Maybe? The post office in Holly Hills, Connecticut, is run more like a mom-and-pop business, where people patiently wait in line while the one employee (The Office's Brian Baumgartner) provides personalized customer service for everyone. You are also definitely wondering, "... Christmas Letter Wall of Fame?" You read that right! Y'know the annual letters that you get from relatives and acquaintances boasting about their family's accomplishments? Those. Yeah, they judge those in this town. Do not think about it, because this movie is moving and it will leave you behind like a reindeer on a rocket.
There are two things standing between Settie and her spot on a seasonal corkboard at the post office. There's her neighbor, Sue (Colleen Wheeler), who has bragged about her family to winning results 18 years in a row. And then there's Settie's writing, which embellishes everything far past the point of credulity. As Brian Baumgartner tells Settie, "You need to put the 'p' in the 'rose,' and then you'll get 'prose.'"
So Settie — (Wait, are you still thinking about that advice? We are moving on. There is no time!) Settie realizes there's only one way for her to win the Christmas Letter Wall of Fame-apalooza: She needs to fly critically acclaimed author Juan (Alec Santos) from his home in Puerto Rico to Connecticut so he can spend the holidays with her family and pen a 500-word Christmas letter.
When Juan makes his visit, (Yes, he comes!) everyone goes along with this idea! I'm telling you, there is no time to question any of this! When Juan first arrives in Connecticut, he shares a ride with a young woman named Lily (Lillian Doucet-Roche). She has the frenetic disposition of a cheerful Tasmanian Devil, which immediately pegs her as Settie's daughter. But it's not until the rideshare driver drops them both off at the same house that Juan realizes he may have gotten himself in over his head. When Settie mistakes Juan for Lily's — surprise! — new Italian boyfriend, you might think to yourself, "Surely this movie is not doing a fake engagement — oh, wow, okay yep. We're doing that too!"
It may seem like I've said too much about this movie, but let me assure you: I've only covered what happens before the first commercial break. There's so much more movie to see — no, to experience.
Home for the Holidays: You will sleep better this holiday season knowing that Holly Hills, Connecticut, is not a real place and is therefore not subjecting its citizens to this intensely personal Christmas competition on top of the tyrannical rule of HOA-chair-monster Sue.
'Twas the Night Before This Movie: Deep breath: "I need you to take off this vest, because the last thing I need is for Sue to find out that my son was sentenced to shovel snow by his neighborhood. I can't believe the two of you took a month-long honeymoon and didn't think about maintaining your yard."
They Brought Presence: Everyone has that one aunt who, instead of picking out one thoughtful, reasonable present, instead opts for the onslaught of junk — the gift-giving equivalent of throwing spaghetti at a wall. This movie is an onslaught of presence. Everyone is doing the absolute most at all times, as if they have a 300-page script to condense into an 80-minute Hallmark movie without sacrificing a precious, precious word.
Ho Ho Ho: After learning exactly why he's suddenly spending Christmas in Connecticut, Juan says, "I think there's been a misunderstanding." Settie's husband Paddy (Fred Ewanuick) replies, "Sadly, Juan, there hasn't."
As Advertised: When Juan's Tio Carlos (Javier Lacroix) hears this whole setup, he immediately identifies his nephew as the James Caan in a holiday-themed version of Misery. He's not that wrong!
I really appreciate that Hallmark has clearly devoted a lot of thought (and even more work) toward improving the quality of their original films every single year — along with elevating the reputation of the genre from guilty pleasure to beloved seasonal pastime. But in doing so, I've often worried about Countdown to Christmas losing an original ingredient that's long been vital to the flavor. That ingredient? A pinch of pure madness. Thank you, Confessions of a Christmas Letter, for assuaging my fears for another year.
This movie is absolute chaos in every conceivable way. The plot, the performances, the pacing — the very reality of this movie is so off-kilter that I'm surprised any of the Christmas trees are able to stand upright. I spent the first 15 minutes of this movie with my mouth hanging open, face screwed up as if I were trying to do calculus in my head. There were multiple points in this movie where I had to rewind scenes multiple times in order to parse what was going on, only to give up and move on (the movie waits for no one!). It was, quite honestly, a thrilling watch.
Confessions of a Christmas Letter will not end up on the Merry Heistmas Christmas Movie Wall of Fame, but I do bestow upon it another title: the inaugural I Believe In Santa Award for Holiday WTFery.
I'm going to rewatch this every single year.
