Jackie Vernon was a very successful nightclub comic back in the 1960s. Deep of voice, large of girth, deadpan of delivery, he rarely strayed from the stage to the screen. In fact, in his biggest role, Frosty the Snowman in the 1969 Rankin/Bass animated special of the same name, he just provided the jolly voice.
Oh, and he also had three secret families.
It came to light on the Nostalgia Tonight with Joe Sibilia podcast, where his son (from his fourth marriage, to Hazel Sawyer) David related a story where one of the previous Mrs. Vernons arrived at their house, son Ralph in tow. This was the first that Sawyer or any of her kids heard that there were three previous Mrs. Vernons, each with a son of their own, EACH OF THE SONS BEING NAMED RALPH.
Poppa Vernon married three women, presumably in sequence, had a son with each of them, named each one after his real first name ("Ralph", if you weren't paying attention), and, well, thumpety-thump-thump, thumpety-thump-thump, look at Frosty go. The secret to the Sneaky Snowman Double-Cross? Don't tell later wives about the earlier ones. Let them figure it out on their own. Or never figure it out at all.
Was this a common occurrence in the 1950s? Was this just the norm for traveling club comics? Was this a religious thing? Or just a guy who liked unprotected sex and disliked settling down? Many mysteries.
To celebrate this holiday news story coming out, I did something I normally would never do: write a parody song about it. I'm no "Weird" Al Yankovic, but I can string some rhymes together. Merry Christmas to all of you! Wrap it up before you pork.
<To the tune of "Frosty the Snowman">
Frosty the snowman had six kids with different wives
And it may sound dumb
But his rule of thumb
Was to stay out of their lives
Frosty the snowman well, his pull-out game was weak
But his wives, perhaps,
Had to shut their traps
Or his latest wife would freak
<bridge>
He was a shitty father but
The truth is out you see
By doubling down and skipping town
You can dodge paternity!
<verse>
Oh, Frosty the snowman
Was a virile chap it's true
As the children say, "Where's my dad today?"
At a club in Kalamazoo
<chorus>
Thumpety-thump-thump
Thumpety-thump-thump
Look at Frosty go
Thumpety-thump-thump
Thumpety-thump-thump
Child support is bullshit, I ain't payin'
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