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Best Flicks and Bad Flops

‘The Tale of Tsar Saltan’ Part 2: Ren Faire Brian Eno on the Magic Island of Whimsy

A singing squirrel? 33 giant soldiers? A prince who can turn into a mosquito? Best Flicks and Bad Flops wraps up its journey to the heart of 'The Tale of Tsar Saltan'!

Tale of Tsar Saltan - Brian Eno and Padme
Photo: Eternal Family

We're back with the second half of the Pop Heist deep dive into 1967's The Tale of Tsar Saltan, a fairy tale film by Aleksandr Ptushko that is both gorgeous and out of its mind. If you didn't get to read Part 1, go check it out. That's the only way that this incomprehensible movie is going to make any sense at all. Not that it made much to begin with. Oh, and it all rhymes.

When we ended the last article, the evil courtier and his gang of unhappy sisters and their mother have convinced the tsar that his child is a monster. They then tricked the court into executing the baby monster boy and his mother by sealing them in a barrel and chucking them off a cliff. The monster son continues to grow at an accelerated rate, while the tsar rushes home to see his new family, monster or not.

The barrel isn't an immediate death sentence (although that is a very high cliff). While the tsar returns to no wife or monster son, wife and monster son are actually getting along very well floating on the waves. In fact, monster son is now fully grown and somehow wearing clothing appropriate for his new size. The barrel washes up on the shore of an island, and we get to see monster son now in all his pale, beardless glory. He's sporting a haircut made popular by Bonnie Franklin on One Day At A Time. He looks like Ren Faire Brian Eno.

Photo: Eternal Family

He builds a bow out of a tree limb and a cord he had wrapped around himself, then goes to shoot a duck for food. While there is no duck, there is a swan being chased by a hawk and yelling for help in the voice of a female human. Through a mix of what I can only assume is deft animal handling and possible animal cruelty of late 1960's Soviet cinema, the hawk is slain and the swan becomes a full-on woman.

Photo: Eternal Family

And not just any woman! A sorceress! With her own secret town, which she reveals by waving her arms about and clearing the mist away from the background model. This is achieved by just reversing the film of the mist rolling in from off camera. Look, I give it a hard time, but it's really a very pretty scene and well done for 1967 filmmaking. Let me put it this way: Jaws: The Revenge, Leonard Part 6, and Ishtar were all made 20 years later and this Soviet gem puts them all to shame. Except the hair and makeup. That's all weird.

Photo: Eternal Family

They enter the town, which is a very large practical set, to find that everyone within its walls is frozen in place. People are running, carrying jars, and tugging on the lead of a goat. Not all the extras are good at staying frozen in place. I recommend watching The Tale of Tsar Saltan on Eternal Family TV and picking out who's not playing by the rules. It's fun! In a way!

Photo: Eternal Family

This ain't nothing for monster son and his mom. They spend about 20 seconds gawking and then immediately head to a tree full of crystal apples in the center of town. They then pick up one of the apples that fell off a branch and reattach it. The town wakes up! If this were a video game puzzle you'd turn the game off for being confusing and unfair. "Duh, the crystal apple tree is the key to unlocking the frozen town," you'd say, on the Internet. Maybe monster son watched somebody play through this level during his one day of growing up.

And no, the town doesn't have a name and there is no explanation as to why it was frozen in place.

This act of putting an apple on a tree is equivalent to 900,000 prince points, which you can trade in at the front desk for the right to become prince of this magic town. Seriously, they smash cut to him being named prince, which I suppose he already was, but now he has a crown and an onion dome that looks life-size. Also his mom isn't being thrown off a cliff in a barrel. Glow up.

Photo: Eternal Family

Then a jester comes in from the side and directs their attention to A MARIONETTE SQUIRREL who is playing cymbals and singing a song. He is the most terrifying thing to appear on screen in 1967. As a reminder, this was the year Coffin Joe's This Night I'll Possess Your Corpse came out). This is less of an instance of "this squirrel is going to narrate an important plot point" and more of "my friend does marionettes pretty good." His squeaky voice sounds like Emo Phillips with his genitals caught in a French press. I want him to live with me in my Christmas tree.

Tale of Tsar Saltan - Eno and Padme
Photo: Eternal Family

Some merchants arrive and trade some mink pelts, but I think that scene was a narrative device to show that this magic realm has plenty of gold and jewels. They have so much that gold shavings litter the ground. There is some fun model work with the merchants' boat and the town's cannons, and the swan princess turns the prince into a mosquito. Oh, did that surprise you? Yeah, it surprised me too. He wants to see his dad so she says, "Follow the merchants' boat as a mosquito" and then he's a mosquito. Either good puppetry or they just filmed a mosquito on a blue screen.

The film cuts back to the tsar's land, where he seeks out a witch to determine who wrote the decree saying his wife and child were to be killed. Little does he know that the evil sisters are in cahoots with the witch, trying to marry the tsar themselves. They hide themselves when he arrives. This scene is my favorite in the entire piece because the witch has several cats in her hut who knock her crockery off the shelf, because cats do that. My cats do that. All cats do that. They do it in the scene even when there's no prop guy off camera poking the crockery off the shelf. They just knock the cups the fuck off.

The merchants arrive to tell the tsar of this wonderful far off land where, yes, there is a singing squirrel. Desperate to be the centers of the tsar's attention, the nasty sisters badmouth this magic land, saying you can find gold and emeralds anywhere. Mosquito monster son attacks and absolutely destroys the tsar's court. This lone mosquito flying around is as terrifying as a chimpanzee with a shotgun on Adderall. People climb walls to avoid it, jump on trampolines again, scale pillars, and one guy actually charges out of the top window and falls pretty far to the ground below. The nasty sisters get the brunt of it, with even more necrotic-colored makeup smeared on their faces than normal.

Tale of Tsar Saltan - three women
Photo: Eternal Family

Prince Brian Eno returns to his magic city, changes out of bug mode, and greets the swan princess — who I just noticed is constantly flapping her arms as she speaks because, duh, swan. At the tsar's court he has heard a tale of 33 mighty warriors more impressive than he The swan princess replies that they are her brothers and will arrive shortly. Maybe two seconds later. This movie doesn't waste time. There's plenty more garish blue screen to get to.

These giant men stroll out from the sea, but they are seriously big dudes. And since this film moves at a fast clip, they line up, say hello, pledge their fealty, and then march off. I've had sneezes that last longer than this scene.

Tale of Tsar Saltan - guards
Photo: Eternal Family

The previous scene with the tsar pretty much repeats itself. The merchants return to the tsar and wish him well. The tsar says he wants to meet the prince of this magic island. He doesn't realize the adult prince with disco hair is his son, because he should be a little baby. Then the tsarina's mom comes by and says, "Oh here's another cool fantasy thing that you really want to see more than this prince, and in this case it's a really hot woman." The prince, now disguised as a bee, scares everyone. They all jump on trampolines again and wave their arms around shrieking. In this instance, the prince stings the mom's nose and no, I'm not going to show it because they already did this scene once before and it was silly then.

The prince arrives back home where a fancy wedding is happening, which stops when he shows up. Women follow him as he goes to mope by his sittin' tree. The swan princess gets jealous and causes it to rain, which scares the women off. She asks what's wrong and the prince, oblivious to this absolute avian smoke show he has doting on him, says that he's heard about this really hot woman from the court who he spied on while turned into a bee. 

Tale of Tsar Saltan - outdoor party
Photo: Eternal Family

Swan princess is like, sure, we can go check her out, and takes him for a little ride on a magic shell. For the close ups, at least. For the long shots they're dolls being pulled on a piece of foam.

Tale of Tsar Saltan - water everywhere
Photo: Eternal Family

Swan princess hops off the little shell, flaps her way to the shoreline and then does the big makeover reveal. She herself is the beautiful princess! To prove it, she magically gets a hat.

Tale of Tsar Saltan - elf queen
Photo: Eternal Family

She's so serious about settling down with the prince that she stops flapping her arms like a swan, which she has managed to keep doing in every appearance so far. See? There's character growth in The Tale of Tsar Saltan. Prince brings her home to his mom to say that he's going to get married to the swan princess. This causes his mother to cry, probably because he's like a week old and already settling down. I love this fantasy world.

Then, the tsar bathing.

Tale of Tsar Saltan - scrub a dub time
Photo: Eternal Family

He's getting alternately splashed with suds and whipped with oak leaves. As someone who has experienced getting whipped with oak leaves at the Russian/Turkish baths on 10th Street in Manhattan, I highly recommend. It's not for everyone, only cool people like me and the Russians who run the place. Do not do it on your first day at the Russian/Turkish baths. You will die.

The tsar is alerted to visiting merchants, this time from the west. That unfortunately means turbans, extra black facial hair, flute music, and darkened makeup. I am not taking a screenshot.

They also want to tell about the singing squirrel, who was only in one scene and managed to impress everyone so much that he's talked about right up until the end. The tsar's like, "Blah, blah, blah, I've heard all this from other, less racist merchants," but they're like, "The prince really wants to meet you," and give him two birds and a monkey for gifts. This settles it. The tsar packs up his throne, the awful sisters (and their mother), and the bell guy again, and sets sail for the magic island.

Tale of Tsar Saltan - ship
Photo: Eternal Family

We're getting near the end, so the whole cast turns out. Not only is everyone from the tsar's palace on the boats, but we get the jester jumping along the shore, a shot of the magic squirrel, and even the giant men emerging from the sea again.

We even get to see that the prince isn't wearing a dance belt.

Tale of Tsar Saltan - no dance belt
Photo: Eternal Family

First stop? Squirrel.

Tale of Tsar Saltan - light show
Photo: Eternal Family

This squirrel is Mickey Mouse, Michigan J. Frog, and the Minions all in one. He's worth the price of admission to any theme park. He sings and plays cymbals and dances by a crystal house, like the one Superman has. He's terrifying but I love the squirrel. I think everyone else does too, except the sisters who don't like anything fun and really shouldn't have been brought along on the trip to Magic Island of Whimsy.

Then there is the reunion scene. The tsar enters the prince's throne room and meets the swan princess. Then his wife — who he thought died — emerges from behind a curtain. He weeps and they embrace. He places a crown on her head which he thought to bring with him, I guess in case he fell in love with someone on his trip, and he meets his son. Oh, and they brought the cat too. This movie comes full circle and absolutely rules.

Tale of Tsar Saltan - the tsar
Photo: Eternal Family

The reunion with the cat marks the end for the scheming courtier and the wicked sisters. They, along with the mother and the henchman, tear ass out of the palace, are threatened by a bear, shot at by a cannon, and make it all the way to a boat. Alas, those giants get ahold of the boat and shake the shit out of it, achieved through surprisingly good puppetry and blue screen effects.

Tale of Tsar Saltan - mayhem
Photo: Eternal Family

They are captured and brought before the tsar. They confess their crimes and are forgiven because it's a fairy tale and there is a moral of forgiveness, I suppose — although this crew has put the tsar through like the worst week of his life.

But life goes on, and like Footloose and Shrek 2, this movie ends with a dance sequence, done by the swan princess (back to flapping her arms again) and the surrounding women. The tsar and his bride take a moment to play patty cake in their chairs, which can only signify they're going to have another kid.

Tale of Tsar Saltan - take a bow
Photo: Eternal Family

I went into this film thinking it was going to be a bizarre mess. I was right, but I wasn't prepared for how utterly charming it was. The only difference between this and a more mainstream fantasy film like Jason and the Argonauts and The Golden Voyage of Sinbad was that those were in English and that this film went overboard with the makeup. I guess the pacing's a little uneven too, but if you're a fan of those old films, or something like Chitty Chitty Bang Bang or even The 7 Faces of Dr. Lao, this is well worth your time. None of it makes any sense, but who cares? You'll be too busy picking up every odd detail in the background or gawping at the amazing sets and costumes to notice.

The director, Aleksandr Ptushko, was well-versed in these epic Russian fairy tales. He directed both The Sword and the Dragon and The Day The Earth Froze, both incomprehensible but gorgeous films that got the added boost of being riffed on by Mystery Science Theater 3000. He also was the uncredited director of Viy, a Soviet-era masterpiece that just got a high def re-release as part of the stellar All The Haunts Be Ours folk horror box set. It's obvious that The Tale of Tsar Saltan is an elevation of a traditional Russian fairy tale by a noted Russian author, but it's a special effects-laden fever dream that deserves to be watched all the way through. If your kids can read subtitles, they might like it as well. Kids love a dancing squirrel who plays cymbals and sounds like Alvin and the Chipmunks. I sure did!

You can watch The Tale of Tsar Saltan on Eternal Family TV.

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