Look, let's be real: Michael Keaton is hot beans again. Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice came out a little while ago, he hosted Saturday Night Live, he announced to the world he wants to start using his for-real-given name again, Michael Keaton Douglas. Once again, he's the hottest of hot, hot Hollywood properties.
And it's not new territory for him. Every few years gets a massive Keaton hit and always a top performance. Mr. Mom in 1983. Beetlejuice in 1988 followed by 1989's Batman, and its sequel three years later. 1997's Jackie Brown. 2014's Birdman or (The Unexpected Value of Ignorance) where he's nominated for the Oscar. The Founder then Spider-Man Homecoming back to back. Then rocking us all with Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice. You never see him coming, and you always love him.
(If you haven't checked out Aaron Sorkin's The Trial of the Chicago 7, you're missing an all-star cast of Sacha Baron Cohen, Eddie Redmayne, Jeremy Strong, Sir Mark Rylance, and Joseph Gordon-Levitt with a phenomenal performance from Keaton as former Attorney General Ramsey Clark).
But Keaton didn't start out on the top of the pile. In 1975 he was a determined production assistant on season 8 of Mr. Rogers Neighborhood in Pittsburgh, where he also played the role of a panda bear.
By 1982 he had worked small roles on TV in shows like Maude and The Tony Randall Show, and was given meatier parts in failed shows like Working Stiffs with Jim Belushi and The Mary Tyler Moore Hour with David Letterman. And that's when Disney came calling for Keaton to be the comic relief in Kraft Salutes Walt Disney World's 10th Anniversary.
Kraft had just recently gotten into bed with Disney with their sponsorship of The Land in EPCOT Center (it was EPCOT Center at the time; now it's just EPCOT, land of food festivals). They helped finance the Listen to the Land boat ride, the Kitchen Kabaret audio-animatronics show, and the Symbiosis film from EPCOT Center's opening in 1982 through 1993, when Nestle took over the pavilion.
Things were good enough in 1981 for Kraft to help pay for a self-promotional Disney TV special that aired on January 21, 1982, technically within the one-year window after Walt Disney World's actual 10 year anniversary on October 1, 1981.
Let's join the action!
The special focuses on the Lane family, consisting of Mr. Lane (Disney Legend Dean Jones, who carried the Disney Studio on his back through the drudgery of the post-Walt/pre-Eisner years), Mrs. Lane (Michele Lee, Jones's co-star in The Love Bug in 1969 and star of 344 episodes of Knott's Landing from 1979 to 1993), "Daughter" (tragic child star Dana Plato, but here right in the middle of the Diff'rent Strokes golden years), and "Son" (Rick "Ricky" Schroeder, child star of Silver Spoons and donor of $150,000 bail money for admitted but acquitted murderer Kyle Rittenhouse). They load up the station wagon and head from Evansville, Indiana to Orlando, Florida.
The Lane family lip syncs a song about "Disney World or Bust," with Dad pointing out you can play tennis, swim, and golf at Disney World. Mom hopes that this vacation to the Magic Kingdom will save her failing marriage. Dana Plato admits she's not that into Disney World as a concept and is looking for some Sun Belt dude action. And Ricky Schroeder admits that he also doesn't give a shit about Disney World and is really looking to be impressed. Ricky might have been the only one doing his own singing, because he's remarkably off-key, like they let a squawking bird loose in the car to sing about how Mickey Mouse owes him fun.
Oh — then they get stopped by a cop. We aren't told why, but the cop could potentially be reaching out to Ricky Schroeder for $150,000 for extracurricular projects.
Then a bunch of promotional B-roll footage of 1980's Disney World. My god, it's beautiful. Simplistic. No Lightning Lanes. No Disney Genie. This was the Disney of the early '80s where they thought the release of The Black Cauldron would solve all their problems. The Disney before you could add "Channel" to that corporate name. The Disney before they really got into bed with Tim Burton.
As the accompanying chorus sings "no need to pretend," it's clear to everyone watching that this was made to be a Walt Disney World promotional special. Get in your car, Lane family of Evansville, Indiana. Drive. Drive. Hang out at all this awesome stuff. Also, cook with Kraft foods, the announcer adds, with recipes in the latest TV Guide. Kraft is not an equal to Disney, however, as we fade to commercial before the announcer finishes talking up the pitiful secondary glory of Kraft recipes.
The Lane family arrives at the Contemporary Hotel, the spotlight resort of 1982 Disney World, and still a treat to this day, with the monorail itself running through the lobby. They meet someone's Aunt Angelique, played by Elaine Brennan, and her small Asian boy named Bobby. Relationship quite unclear, but as other characters hug him, I don't think he was a hallucination I'm having from all this incense I've lit in the small room I watch Disney things in.
Also, Kevin! The concierge played in an orange suit by Michael Keaton, although the IMDb listing says that he's playing himself. Aiming to be super helpful, he's dressed like a creamsicle bellhop and goes to get the luggage. Aunt Angelique says that she brought Bobby, the relationship-ly ambiguous youth, to Disney World to show him the old west atmosphere of Frontierland and Fort Wilderness, because she feels he needs to learn about America's ancient heritage. Ricky Schroeder points out that Bobby's own culture is over 10,000 years old, and Aunt Angelique tells him, in polite terms, to take that liberal bullshit and shove it up his Splash Mountain.
Kevin totes the family's mountain of luggage up to their room (mom and dad are sharing a double bed, so good luck on rekindling that flame, Mrs. Lane), but wouldn't you know it, he trips over his own Supercalifragilisticexpialidick when he sees a woman wearing very little, and drops the luggage RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE BOSS OF ALL BOSSES HIMSELF, MICKEY MOUSE.
And Goofy and Donald, notoriously on the side of management (see also, Kingdom Hearts). In modern Disney corporate culture, this would be considered an unpardonable sin and Kevin would be sent to the customer service phone lines as punishment, but he gets off with "no tip" just to show you how easy life could be during the Reagan years.
The parade of over-the-top Conservative stars continues as current Fox News commentator Larry Gatlin and the other two Gatlin Brothers help Aunt Angelique set up a tent. Bobby, who Aunt Angelique refers to as "my little friend [relationship still undefined]," hasn't laughed or smiled once and she's getting panicky that someone may start asking questions. Larry Gatlin, who weirdly railed against Joe Biden for encouraging people to not work during COVID and instead live off money that he, Larry Gatlin, has made somehow, tries to make Bobby laugh by impersonating animals. Despite possessing all the charm of an advertisement for gutter cleaning, he does not make Bobby laugh. The Gatlin Brothers sing a song.
Then Dean Jones sings a song to Ricky Schroeder about how they're drifting apart. It's obvious that mom and dad were relying on this vacation to fix a whole host of intrafamily problems. Mom and dad are on the rocks. Ricky Schroeder, who I'm going to keep referring to Ricky Schroeder because they've never given his character a name, does not get along with Dean Jones, and bristles when Jones goes to put his hand on his shoulder. If Walt Disney World doesn't produce some magic soon, no one's making it back to Evansville, Indiana in one piece.
Mom and Dana Plato (see note for Ricky Schroeder nomenclature) shop for gifts in the Contemporary lobby and there he is again, Academy Award nominee Michael Keaton. This time he's in a fine suit, selling tchotchkes. They also get a song where three things are clear:
- Dana Plato, if that's her voice, can sing
- Michele Lee, if that's her voice, can sing, but the material is awful and she comes off kinda shrill
- Michael Keaton gets by on charm, because he's relegated to talk-singing his parts
It's a song about buying gifts and, no lie, it sucks. They're shopping for family members and Keaton offers up hats for the whole family, Indian blankets, a peace pipe, American flags (for the gents), makeup (for the ladies), music boxes, fish, a fishing rod, cameras, rags (specified to be "new"), a poster of Minnie Mouse, and a placard shaped like Donald Duck. If you can think of any way to logically incorporate all of these into a song that rhymes, please go back in time and help out the producers of Kraft Salutes Walt Disney World's 10th Anniversary.
Aunt Angelique pops by, foists Bobby on Michael Keaton, criticizes Dana Plato for not being married yet (INAPPROPRIATE), and that's the scene. But it leads, thematically, to our next segment…
John Schneider! Star of Dukes of Hazzard and Smallville, who recently encouraged his fans to pretend to be FBI agents to harass his stepdaughter in a plot to halt the auction of Dukes of Hazzard memorabilia! He, like fellow Dukes star Tom Wopat, has a singing career (I actually have one of Tom's CDs autographed), and he's at Walt Disney World to do a concert! But if tickets are unavailable, a helpful Disney cast member will tell Dana Plato and Ricky Schroeder where he's practicing! People shouldn't do that!
John's sitting by himself on the grass in front of the castle, something people can do, I guess, sure. But don't expect any privacy, John, because the Gorgeous Ladies Of Walt [Disney World] appear to beg for a free outdoor concert. Did you know John Schneider was investigated by the Secret Service in 2023 for threatening the life of President Joe Biden via Twitter? He was!
Anyway, Dana Plato and Ricky Schroeder hit up John Schneider's trailer and con their way in to meet the man who in February 2024 likened Beyonce to a dog peeing on a tree. John takes a shine to Dana Plato and offers to show her the sights of the Magic Kingdom after his concert that night, an offer that comes off as creepy as you expect it would for a person in a position of authority to make to a 15-year-old girl who lied her way into his trailer. I hope these crazy kids don't end up together.
But that has to wait until after the concert! For the time being we're headed to the top of the Contemporary Resort to the appropriately named Top of the World Club, the spotlight dining venue in the Happiest Place On Earth. Guess who's back and treated like a pest, despite expertly handling a complicated prop-filled song and solving all their gift-giving woes? Michael Keaton as Kevin!
Now he's a waiter! They still assume he's going to wreck their vacation when all he really did was offer to do anything they asked of him and accidentally knocked over a cart once. They're expecting him to be flawless, and even Walt wasn't flawless for God's sake (I highly recommend Jake S. Friedman's book about the 1941 Disney strike).
Oh, and we still don't know Aunt Angelique's relationship with Bobby! But she orders a lot of alcohol and says some of it's for him. (Ha ha, no it's not — she just ordered herself a triple scotch and a beer)
Bobby has had no lines, but rocks a bow tie like a fucking pimp.
Oh, then there's a weird fantasy/flashback (?) thing where Mr. and Mrs. Lane slow dance stiffly to "You Belong To Me" before he goes off to fight in World War II ... and I don't think it's representative of real life, because Dean Jones was like 11 in WWII. This special gets a lot of flak for not holding together well, and I fully agree with anyone who says that.
Aunt Angelique sees Mom and Dad dancing and figures they're going to give that double bed a workout tonight. She invites the kids to stay with her and Bobby in the camper, although they earlier established with the Gatlin Brothers that they were staying in a tent. Anyway, continuity, no one cares, Kraft paid for this, life goes on. Mom and Dad are going to have thin-lipped sex tonight in the Contemporary Resort and Hotel.
Oh, and Michael Keaton successfully delivers salads but then bumps into another waiter. D'oh! Fuck my life!
The next day, another song. This one talks about how great it is to be at Walt Disney World. Weirdly enough this is when I realized Bobby is the only non-white person featured and there have been no Black people in this special at all, including in this big group of kids singing "Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah." I wonder what's up with that.
The song mashes up John Denver's "Sunshine On My Shoulders," Barbra Streisand's "People Who Need People," Jane Powell's "It's A Most Unusual Day," Ella Fitzgerald's "It's A Lovely Day Today," The Carpenters' "Sing" (written for Sesame Street in 1971), George Gershwin's "Strike Up the Band" (written for a musical of the same name about cheese tariffs in Switzerland in 1927), and "Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah" in a way that does not respect the individual songs' keys or the singing ability of the various untrained guests and cast members who got pulled into screeching a few bars.
The Gatlin Brothers and John Schneider appear via video insert to add some bars whose lyrics I couldn't link to anything in their catalogs, although I did learn John Schneider has a Christmas blues song called "Who da Baby Daddy" that has a video that's actually more entertaining than Kraft Salutes Walt Disney World's 10th Anniversary.
Time to wrap this up. John Schneider and Dana Plato do not get together for their tryst, as he sends a letter via Michael Keaton (who was shown in the musical montage playing a sousaphone) saying that he'd love to have her as a kid sister, but go see the park by yourself, stalker. Keaton's Kevin offers to show Dana Plato around the park, as he has a crush on her, which is not good because in real life he's 28 and she's still 15. Cracking writing on this one, eh wot? (They play it off by saying he's like 18, but his hairline tells the truth)
The next morning, Bobby and Aunt Angelique say their goodbyes and Bobby has his only line, something like, "Goodbye, Patty, thank you!" I listened to this like six times and think that's what he says. No one is named Patty in this special. Ricky Schroeder gives Mickey Mouse his calculator. Michael Keaton explains to Mr. Lane that he's aiming to be a big Vice President at Disney World someday, and that he's going to marry his daughter, which really comes out of nowhere. Mr. Lane extricates everyone from the awkward scene by pulling the family into the car and that's that.
Kraft Salutes Walt Disney World's 10th Anniversary has a reputation among Disney diehards as a flop, but ultimately I think it works well enough for a special meant to spotlight the Magic Kingdom resort and the different activities you can experience there. Michael Keaton does super light comedy, but he's just so naturally good at it that he comes off as sincere and charming rather than desperate and gimmicky. It's Disney coming off the string of film failures of the 1970s, leaning into inoffensive country and pop music stars and the notion that only white people exist in America.
I think the biggest element that sinks this ship is the music. Every scene gets a song, either one that exists out in the world already (John Schneider's "Let Me Love You") or one crafted by the Disney artisans (the opening "Disney World or Bust," lip-synced by the cast). The existing songs represent a very homogenized view of late '70s American music; the specially crafted songs go out of their way to be bland, reinforced with the obligatory Disney chorus that has existed since Snow White. The songs are bad, folks, and there are a lot of them. I'm not saying that Disney should have hired Pere Ubu or something with an edge, but these are the softest of softballs.
Post-Walt/pre-Eisner Disney is a fantastic black hole that historians are just now starting to piece together. Stephen Anderson's incredible book Disney In-Between: The Lost Years 1966-1986 can only do so much, followed by a book by Neil O'Brien, After Disney: Toil, Trouble, and the Transformation of America's Favorite Media Company, releasing in March of 2025. It's a period of a massive company building great works like EPCOT Center and Tokyo Disneyland on one hand, and bucking pop culture trends and current events by releasing a string of failed, forgettable movies that took no risks. Disney was propped up by the strength of its two American parks, with EPCOT Center being more or less an expensive misstep in 1982 that didn't catch its footing for years. Boardroom battles commenced, greenmailers moved in to buy enough stock to break the company up into pieces, and management, represented by Walt's son-in-law Ron Miller, was ousted.
Kraft Salutes Walt Disney World's 10th Anniversary is a product of those times. Of the three films they released in 1982, Tron is the only one still spoken of today — and even that more or less dropped off the cultural radar until the sequel was announced in 2005. No one remembers John Hurt's Night Crossing or Matt Dillon's Tex, and neither is on Disney+. Tim Burton's short Vincent came out, but that was more a labor of love on his part than a huge promotional push by the company. Dean Jones was near the tail end of his steady 17-year relationship with Disney, his Herbie the Love Bug TV series appearing two months after this special aired and slinking away quietly after 5 episodes. The theme park arm was funneling all their money towards the October opening of EPCOT Center, so there was nothing new in the Magic Kingdom to promote for the 10th anniversary. Most footage of the park itself was B-roll, like I said before, of attractions in motion like the teacups or 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea.
If you hadn't known much about the things the hotels had to offer, like tennis, swimming, camping, dance clubs, golf, or boating, this special was a pretty good way of learning they were available. Michael Keaton really does keep this thing from completely falling into the sea, so good on him. There's footage of attractions that no longer exist, so it does work as a sort-of time capsule of pre-EPCOT Magic Kingdom. It does have its assets. But the music, the endless reminders that most of the cast here ended their lives tragically or amid angry rants on right-wing media, the corny gags — those irrevocably tarnish this special. If you'd like to see it for yourself, check it out on YouTube, thanks to Sam's Disney Diary.
