SPOILERS FOR SURVIVOR 50x09
"The light has gone out of my life." Quick — am I quoting Theodore Roosevelt's diary entry on the day that his wife and mother died mere hours apart, or am I quoting myself after watching Christian Hubicki's torch get snuffed on Survivor 50? I mean, both. Teddy had his trauma, and I have mine.
I'm here, writing about a show that I don't really write about, because the light has gone out of my life — or, rather, the thirst has gone out of my weekly appointment viewing. Christian Hubicki was the undisputed thirst king of Survivor 50 — and I am here to give him his flowers (and a fresh pair of trousers).
Okay, it speaks to a man's sexiness that not even shitting one's pants on-camera can deter my very explicable attraction to him. The man quite simply possesses the best personality of any of these contestants, and no amount of shit can sully a disposition this charming. I mean, Christian even pooped his pants with a level of self-aware, comedic charisma.
Thankfully, Christian spent his entire time on the island making great moments, making me swoon on repeat. His intense pratfall during the first Tribal Council, providing cover for Rick Devens hiding the fake idol? Christian bro-ing out with Devens, but in an adorable, nerdy, non-threatening way?? Christian calling Ozzy, a man that others would consider a hunk, "Polly Prissy Pants"???
Christian's heart-wrenching self-reflection, immediate clocking of Mike White as a threat, and merciless sniper shot against him (nixing any possibility of a White Lotus cameo)???? Him literally rocking Joe, nestled in a hammock, into a state of relaxed complacency?????
Christian's silent dressing-down of Emily as she blew yet another secret?????
Those are the actions of a man that you love to love. The way he slathered every mention of the "Billie Eilish Boomerang Idol" with layers of irony. Unassuming, brilliant, witty — him looking directly into camera and hating on Jimmy Fallon? You're speaking my love language, Christian.
But all that is what's inside of the man, the brain, the heart. Let's talk about the body-ody-ody — because Christian Hubicki has it going on. I essentially bullied my weekly Survivor group text into commenting on Christian as a thirst trap king. My friend Nicole hit it on the head with one begrudging text agreeing to my incessant yearning, saying that Christian is an example of the "rare island glow up."
Yes, Christian somehow only got hotter as the days wore on, as his beard grew, as his hair became Rider Strong-er. And his eyes. Oh lord, his eyes.
Did I find myself literally dreaming of Christian's eyes the night after the season premiere? Well, I've admitted to everything else in this article, so I might as well cop to that, too.
All this culminated, of course, in the ultimate thirst trap moment what would be his penultimate episode:
Christ. You see it, right? I know you do. Also, he was making a Star Wars reference as he sat there like this, in all his hirsute hunkiness. Be still, my heart.
We need men like Christian Hubicki on TV, being brilliant, being camp, and being completely unaware of how incredibly hot the entire Hubicki package is. Curse you, Jimmy Fallon, for taking this from me and from all the other Hubicki lovers out there.
And a note to the man himself: keep the beard.
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