RuPaul's Drag Race is more than just a TV show. For those of us who are dedicated to the cause, it's a way of life — and it's a way to keep in touch with your besties across the country. I'm talking about the Drag Race group text, an experience that goes hand-in-hand with actually watching the show. If you haven't synced up your DVRs across time zones so you can live text shade, are you even watching Drag Race?
This is an experience that I wanted to bring to Pop Heist — and since I'm Editor-in-Chief, mama, I get what I want. With the ruveal of the brand new cast of queens competing in RuPaul's Drag Race Season 17, I wanted to put that chaotic group text energy on display for your entertaintment. Maybe this will remind you of your own Drag Race group text, or maybe this will inspire you to start your own. Either way, you're about to read a bunch of barely informed opinions from a bunch of Drag Race fans (as well as one home office queen). So, uh, this is just as valid as 99% of the Drag Race commentary that pops off across social media.
First: introductions! I am, of course, me. Nicole and April are my besties from high school (location: Tennessee), and the three of us all went to college with Manley (also in Tennessee). We are joined by my husband, Sebastian, of Pop Heist and St. Louis. The geography lesson will all make sense in a little bit.
Brett: The cast of Season 17 is here — but are they a slay or a nay? We've all watched the queens play get to know you questions on the wettest Meet The Queens ever, and now we are ready to dry off these dolls with some hot, hot takes. We're going to rank where we think each one of these queens will place this season — from first out (14th) to the winner, baby (1st).
April: At first I was like "Your theme can't be water, Milk." But I stand corrected! Turns out I love a wet queen!
Nicole: Bring back the Season 11 MtQ format, you cowards.
Sebastian: I have no context for any of these queens and will be basing my commentary solely on photo, name, and vibes.
Acacia Forgot
Brett: 8th // I love a country queen, even if she is repping Los Angeles, and I feel like we need more Michael Flatley references in Drag Race. But she seems so nice! Miss Congeniality vibes.
Nicole: 12th // You either love a clever drag name or you don't (hello Kori King). Can we talk about the wave pants though?
Brett: The pants are giving JNCO goes to Met Gala.
April: 8th // Are the pants not supposed to be, like, the big cowboy pants? Is that chaps? I think it could be. Anyway, she is giving one-woman band and I'm here for it.
Manley: 12th // Her name is a self-fulfilling prophecy — but how a girl with an ass like that have a thigh gap?
Seb: 7th // I think the thigh gap may be an optical illusion. Like a drop-crotch tuck. But the thing that is sending me about Ms. Forgot is the Marge Simpson hair.
Arrietty
Brett: 12th // This queen is absolute chaos. She looks like Plastique Tiara's goth phase but talks like Vanjie. She's going to be the confessional queen that everyone loves, but I could see her as an early out!
Nicole: 9th // I just hope she doesn't burn out fast and bright like her mother. We were robbed of more Irene Dubois on our screens so here's hoping we get a fair dose of Arietty.
April: 4th // Okay, but why are you both so, so mad? This is an art doll with alt-Vanjie pandemonium energy. You don't deserve her! Also, loved the fact that every time she moved it sounded like someone dropping a bag of seashells.
Manley: 6th // This girl looks like the fly crawling out of the fly trap in the best possible way. Those little droplets on her fingernails made me feel things that were a little confusing for a straight man. You do you and keep it weird girl.
Seb: 10th // This makeup is serving up a Yara Sofia who just swam against Katie Ledecky. The outfit? It's like Coco Chanel says: Look at yourself in the mirror and take one unhinged thing off.
Crystal Envy
Brett: 11th // I mean, sure, every season needs a gorgeous Jersey girl with a love of musical theater who RuPaul will inexplicably hate, who will stick around for half the season but never win a challenge.
Nicole: 10th // There is a Springsteen joke here somewhere.
April: 13th // Call her runway look a fun-loving family of ducks, because I loved watching it play on the water! Everything else is good, but I'm just not emotionally connected. Also, can we cease and desist with the name "Crystal" for a while? Genuinely can't keep them straight.
Manley: 5th // I love a competitive perfectionist with a vulnerable side. Plus you can tell she goes to the gym so the bitch is dedicated.
Seb: 8th // You know like at Disney World or Six Flags how they sell those things that are just a bunch of fiber optic plastic strands that fan out and light up in various rotating colors? Miss Envy said "Mama one day I'm gonna grow up to be that." And look at her now!
Hormona Lisa
Brett: 1st // I know this crowd is predisposed to rootin' for a Chattanooga queen (I told you the geography lesson in the intro was gonna make sense), but Hormona makes it easy. Naturally funny, fantastic TV, worked in a fainting goat reference into her Meet the Queens — RuPaul personally cast her! That's the real golden chocolate bar, right there.
Nicole: 1st // Come through Scenic City! When Ru personally picks you out of a crowd, it's a lock right? And it seems like she has the charisma, uniqueness, nerve, and talent to back it up.
April: 3rd // …but....a bodysuit as your Meet the Queens runway look? What's going on with that? She is cute as a goddamn button though. I want to see what she can bring to the challenges, because I'm not sure I am fully appreciating this werk of art yet. But I want to. Still, she is way too quick-witted not to make it to the end.
Manley: 2nd // Obviously all of us love this Tennessee Queen. So smart and loveable, but she better be talented because THE BITCH CAN'T WALK. Can't blame that on the edit.
Seb: 9th // I have to give her points for having rhinestones radiating out of her cooch. Love the name. Love that she's bringing the My Little Pony colors. Also love that she's holding up an umbrella when the water is clearly coming from below? Lisa, girl, that's just gonna make things worse! But here's what's gonna happen: She will get in her head about something she's really good at and fail embarrassingly at it and go home early and everyone will be shocked and upset.
Jewels Sparkles
Brett: 13th // Maybe this is the season Drag Race finally does a competitive pantomime challenge? I feel like she sends the first queen home and then gets the chop.
Nicole: 7th // She's either a super early out or a lip sync assassin that we grow to love. Based on her interview, I hope she sticks around.
April: 7th // My eyes are delighted. The FACE, the body, the hairrrr … gag. Also, the accuracy of "Polly Pocket who can't always find her clothes" affected me in a deep and significant way.
Manley: 10th // When I learned that she's a Florida queen I got so psyched because I KNOW she's gonna be both stunty and cunty.
Seb: 11th // Girl. Conjugate.
Joella
Brett: 14th // The most memorable thing from the MtQ was her debilitating arachnophobia. We know the Werk Room do get bugs! Daya Betty ain't here to eat them!
Nicole: 14th // I had to come back to this queen three times to figure out something to say and I still don't have much! I would love her to gag all of us and make it further though.
April: 14th // This introduction was…fine. Side note: Where is the BUG MUNCHER merch, Daya Betty?
Manley: 13th // She gave confidence, strength, ownership — and a meaty tuck. I really root for her because I love a plus size queen owning the runway, and she was confrontational and cool.
Brett: The last time we all doubted a queen this hard, it was Lady Camden…..
Seb: Ties for 1st // The last time you all doubted Lady Camden, I was RIGHT about her, and this time, I'm going to be RIGHT again. There's ALWAYS room for Joella.
Kori King
Brett: 2nd // She is the one of one, and knows it, and proves it from the very start of her interview. That shape! The way she absolutely effortlessly reads the basic bitches! The roast challenge might be hers to take!
Nicole: 2nd // We got a member of Monetation in the house it seems. Instantly likable and seems so natural in front of the camera. I see Ru loving her.
April: 6th // I love a confident saunter down the runway. I love a queen with a lot to say. I love a dramatic curve/swerve. Interested to see how she and the other queens interact.
Manley: 1st // First impression — she's a winner. Strong, confident, fierce, smart, and polished. And as a straight man who lives by himself on a mountainside in West Virginia, I appreciate seeing the ass and titties. Give me body-ody-ody!
Nicole: Use this as the pull quote on a billboard! This would change hearts and minds.
Seb: 6th // Here's the thing, guys. The name is bland and the look is bland. She's in here doing the Angry Elvis lip curl — TIRED. Ya girl is a filler queen.
Lana Ja'Rae
Brett: 6th // The look is correct and conceptual, and the fashionistas can go far in this competition. She can craft a lewk, but can she craft a joke?
Nicole: 4th // I feel like Luxx would not invite anyone to the family who was anything less than perfection.
April: 2nd // So nakey, so gorge. A true beauty and she is what I believe Gen A would call a "real rizzler." Also, that voice! Like, if I made an appointment to see a financial advisor and showed up to find Lana Ja'Rae, I would be like, "Yes, this is correct."
Manley: 9th // I Love a young queen trying to make her mark in the big city. But can she do it all? Excited to find out.
Seb: 3rd // This photo stuns. She is not on the water. She is OF the water. The beauty. The grace. The face. The nails. We also know that Ru loves tall skinny queens. At some point Michelle will say "You look like a fashion illustration."
Lexi Love
Brett: 10th // Seems like a pretty fearless entertainer and the kinda bitch I'd want by my side in a fight, if I were to stumble into one? What scenario am I cooking up here?
Nicole: 13th // I don't live for the lewk but she seems like a fierce entertainer. Playmates don't play!
April: 12th // The scenario: You're in the werk room. Another queen has just hurt your feelings. Lexi Love will plant her own bracelet in said queen's station and then loudly call that thieving bitch OUT. Lexi Love would have your back.
Manley: 7th // Admittedly, my first reaction was, "With a body like that, who needs ideas?" Then in her interview she shamed me for that viewpoint and made me love her. I am excited to learn her story because we all deserve Rudemption.
Seb: 12th // I'm really sorry but the mug is a snooze-fest and this is a Bob-the-Drag-Queen-as-a-robot-on-skates-level look. Lexi, I'm sorry girl but I do not love!
Lucky Starzzz
Brett: 3rd // Damn — the excess of Kim Chi, fierceness of Shea, wit of Bob, I could watch this bitch talk for hours and I think I will get to because she's going all the way.
Nicole: 3rd // Now this is a promo lewk.
April: 11th // I want to see more from her before I commit. It's not really fair, because I just watched the Dragula finale where they are D-O-I-N-G conceptual looks, but I do still like this one.
Manley: 3 // Love her story, love her look, love her paint, love her rainbows and sparkles, love the weirdness. I'm here to live and see something I have never seen before, and Lucky Starzzz delivers on all counts.
Seb: 4th // OK, I love it. This is Shannel and Dawn in a car accident and I fucking love every ounce of it. The look makes NO sense and I love it. Is she a fish or is she seashells or is she clams? All of the above; she is a seafood buffet, and I love it. A+ no notes, yas kween, etc., I love it. I will want her to win but I think I will want her back for All Stars even more.
Lydia Butthole Kollins
Brett: 5th* // Damn, this is winner energy right here! An intense, unique artistic vision and she makes her own looks and has that natural wit and nerve? But you KNOW RuPaul is not going to say "Butthole" on television. *I would put her in the Top 4 easily but there's a weird rumor out there that makes me wonder!
Nicole: 11th // A top tier name for sure.
April: 5th // I am excited about puppets! I can tell I will like her, but this lewk had me perplexed. Did she come straight from a photoshoot where she was the glamorous victim in an injury lawyer's ad? Or a sexy, cold weather jester? Also, the person in charge of choosing their best photo looked at this dog pee pee pose and thought "this is the one!"???
Manley: 11th // Something about this look makes me fear for her mental health, which is probably by design. She's a weirdo for sure and will probably dominate, but to be honest by this late in the promo I was getting a little tired. Give a bitch better billing!
Brett: Manley, they're in alphabetical order. She should go by Butthole Lydia Kollins.
April: I do really prefer "Butthole L. Kollins."
Seb: 14th // "L. Butthole Kollins" would make her sound like a lawyer tho! I want to know what Ru will call her instead of this. And come on, chin strap! Other than the name, though, I'm not feeling inspired. (What is this nonsense about puppets??? What is the weird rumor??) Anyway, big "going home first" energy.
Onya Nurve
Brett: 9th // Oh, a high school speech and debate champ on Drag Race? Please let Untucked bring out those skills this season.
Nicole: 8th // God please don't let her talk about fine art drag and soft sculpture like another art school queen. But in all seriousness, I think she's showing lewks and personality so I'm invested.
April: 9th // Personality for days, weeks, and years. Interest piqued!
Manley: 4th // Serving Nudibranch realness.
Seb: 5th // Love the name, but this is my least favorite hue of blue. I am also not living for her Speed Racer mohawk moment. THAT SAID. A bitch has surprised me in the past and I'm not going to be left behind by Onya. She will stick around longer than anyone expects and Ru will be So Proud Of Her.
Sam Star
Brett: 4th // God, I don't know — I get so much Trinity, Alyssa, Kylie from her, all the best qualities of those (at least where TV entertainment value is concerned). The look is correct, the confidence is there… Is she the villain of the season?
Nicole: 5th // No surprise that the lewk is perfection. I'm also biased toward the Southern queens.
April: 10th // It is very good, but it's not making my heart go pitter patter. I think it's just hard for me to immediately emotionally invest in the pageant girlies. What can I say? I love a queen I can talk about in therapy.
Manley: 8th // Love a Southern pageant queen. Expect shenanigans.
Seb: 13th // We have seen so many pretty white queens that I'm kind of tired of them? She has ALL of her teeth. I don't know if that's entertaintment for me. This is a hell of a look, though, so I gotta give Courtney Act her props.
Suzie Toot
Brett: 7th // An art weirdo who is obsessed with obscure starlets, tap dancing, and Halloween music? Did we go to college with Suzie Toot? Is that why I'm rooting for her? Or… tooting for her?
Nicole: 6th // I would invite Susie Toot to Palm Springs. I feel like she's the right brand of weird.
April: 1st // I am as shocked as you are. This is not an aesthetic that I gravitate toward ever. I do NOT love Lucy and erasing Betty Boop from the world would leave me utterly unbothered. But the poise! The wit! And I could see her taking some makeup notes throughout the season and having a Crystal Methyd-esque journey. IDK, I just believe in her.
Manley: 14th // More like Suzie Boot.
April: Hot take from someone who doesn't understand the alphabet. ::shady rattlesnake sound::
Seb: Ties for 1st // She's the one. She's the one. Suzie Toot? My limited understanding of this Woman is that she is everything I love and everything Ru loves, and I feel like that's a winning combo. We stan a smart queen, and she's sounding smart based on what everyone is saying. So, like a joke whose punchline I do not understand, I am laughing and clapping and nodding my head like an idiot.
Brett : Now that we've all had a kiki, let's get down to the final elimination order! Here are the results, taking the average of all our individual rankings.
14. Joella
13. Lexi Love
12. Jewels Sparkles
11. Acacia Forgot
10. Crystal Envy
9. Lydia Butthole Kollins
8. Arrietty
7. Sam Star
6. Onya Nurve
5. Suzie Toot
4. Lana Ja'Rae
3. Lucky Starzzz
2. Kori King
1. Hormona Lisa
Brett: Clock that tea. I feel pretty comfortable with the top four!
April: Would love to see Joella plow right through our dumb opinions all the way to the crown. Much like Pearl as Big Ang in S7 Snatch Game, I’m feeling very excited!
Nicole: I mean I feel like this is a solid ranking but my track record of picking winners is about as bad as Lala Ri's in sewing challenges.
Manley: Let the stunts and shenanigans begin!
Seb: This is all wrong.
RuPaul's Drag Race Season 17 premieres on MTV on Jan. 3
