The Late Show means the world to me. For a show that I haven't watched regularly since Stephen Colbert first took over 11 years ago, it takes up a lot of my mental real estate. I have a deep respect for the show, the format, the culture of what late night TV once was. I count the greats among my own personal, pop cultural icons (Dave, Conan, Johnny). And I still find it insane that, among all the cultural institutions that our fascist government has targeted, late night television is one of them. The fact that the most powerful person (or crusty, bloated bag of Dorito mush in a suit) cares at all what a late night host is saying — Jesus Christ, whatever, I hate so much about everything right now. Let's get to the point of ths.

The Late Show is ending — for real for real. I was an intern at The Late Show in fall 2006. I then worked as a Late Show page from summer 2009 to summer 2010. I gave 16 months of my life to the show, and it gave me a lot in return. A lot. And that's why every time there's a big Late Show moment, it feels like my soul is being poked. Or stabbed. Dave's last show was one, and then Colbert's cancellation announcement was another. And now this, the last episode, period, ever? Well, I guess it's the final final moment for this show.

So, I'm publishing my MySpace blog, the one that I kept while interning at The Late Show. Celebrity gossip, a coming out story, the abandoned husk of a puppet, a Fred Schneider competition — this blog has it all. And now it has my hindsight, and my willingness to make the subtext text. Why does the end of a TV show hurt so much? Let's find out.

We begin our story in spring 2006, at the tail-end of my senior year of college. I was a TV Production major at Middle Tennessee State University (one of the best mass comm schools in the country), and I'd spent the previous year logging hundreds of hours in the campus TV station and taking every extra credit production opportunity tossed my way (they all involved country music, because Tennessee). I also, seven months earlier, kissed a boy for the first time and admitted to myself that I'm a homosexual. "But," I thought at the time, "what if a big change comes along that gives me the chance to hit the reset button on my life?" Well — !

6/5/2006 8:32:00 PM

I received an e-mail from "The Late Show with David Letterman" today informing me that they want to interview me for a fall internship. I will be flying to New York on June 19th, interviewing on the 20th, and coming back early on the 22nd. Holy cheese whiz. I'm one of 14 being interviewed and only 7 will be chosen. The interview apparently lasts 2.5 hours, so that's utterly terrifying. If I get it, I'll be living in New York from August 21-December 21, working Monday-Friday from 10AM-7PM at the "Late Show." Seriously, I'm excited. Keep the ol' fingers crossed and all that.

It should be noted: This is not the kind of thing that happened to students at Middle Tennessee State University (despite the school being — as I have pointed out every time I mention my alma mater over the last 20 years — one of the best mass comm schools in the country).

6/22/2006 9:15:00 PM

The interview happened on Tuesday at 11 AM. The process was long and, really, one of the best experiences of my life. I interviewed with 5 or something departments, lots of different people, lots of cool people, it took 3 and a half hours. I wasn't all that nervous and I tried to be personable, funny, ask questions, and tell as many anecdotes as possible.

I did well.

I got the internship.

I'll be interning for the research department at "The Late Show with David Letterman." I'll be up there from August 21st to December 21st. I'm starting to look into a place to live.

Watch out, I'm about to do it.

Wow, not me quoting my own college TV sketch character. Note that I almost did not get the internship because, as Kevin McCaffrey (who I interviewed with, from the show's music department) later told me, I wore Converse ... with my shirt and tie. The shoes were giving "he's not taking this seriously" to the head of HR. Kevin had to reassure her, yes, this kid is taking this very, very seriously.

7/29/2006 10:57:00 PM

The closer the internship gets, the more weirded out by how I may not be back permanently ever again and…and that's good because it's my dream but it's bad because I love it here. I have options and I have faith that things will go where they need to.

"Barb Hardly, what would you say to little Brett?"

"Listen, kid: You're going to move to New York City. This is a dream you never knew you had! You're going to love it there more than you've ever loved it anywhere else — also, you are gay. You are not going to meet a girl at Late Show. Go to Chelsea immediately. Also, there's a drag queen named Barb Hardly in you. Please let her out so you can start auditioning for a show called Drag Race before you turn 40."

8/21/2006 6:47:00 PM

NY Day 5: "Start!"

I named all of my blog entries after an appropriate song, usually one that I'd listened to recently. So, The Jam's "Start!"

Christmas morning came and the presents were, indeed, good.

After meeting the remaining interns, we were all ushered into the conference room to read forms, hear about the internship, sign confidentialities, and watch THE sexual harrassment video. I got my name badge, which is pretty awesome.

Jenna and Ashley are my fellow research interns and I can already tell that we are gonna whip the summer kids' mess into shape. We've inherited a gargantuan re-organization project that they started and a huge huge pile of three months of magazines to go through.

marie-kondo-love-a-mess-dot-gif

Basicly our duties are to take all the magazines, surf through them, tag celebrity stories, photocopy them, and then shove them all into the big ol' master file of said celebrity. I photocopied about 200 pages of celeb dish today, maybe a fourth or a fifth of what's been left to us.

The entire 11th floor of the Ed Sullivan Theater office building was lined with massive filing cabinets that were stuffed past capacity with photocopies of every mention of every celebrity in every magazine ever, plus odds and ends like yearbook photos, letters, childhood photos, whatever. When a guest was booked on the show, it was the assigned researcher's job to read all of that copy for question and segment ideas. Mind you, the internet existed in 2006.

The mood at "The Late Show" today was stellar... The most surreal moment of the day was being introduced to the guy who I wrote this about back on June 26th, 2005 in my blog about going to the taping: "While in line a writer guy (short, bespectacled and wearing Converse. I think I may have a shot at this writing thing)" Matt, one of my supervisors, grabbed him and introduced us, and then showed me around with him so everyone could see how much we looked alike.

This was Chris Moloney, the writers' producer (or something — I cannot remember job titles from 20 years ago). I had a huge crush on Moloney. Still, I was certain that I was straight, that I'd meet The Girl Of My Dreams in NYC. I sure spent a lot of time going up to the 14th floor to bug Moloney while waiting for said Girl to arrive (she never did; I'm gay).

So my day was, of course, amazing. I still kinda can't believe I'm here and I'm sure people are going to think I'm a little weird, since, while making photocopies of Paula Abdul's breast deflation, I would think about where I was and smile.

I loved this internship so much.

8/22/2006 6:45:00 PM

NY Day 6: "Main Offender"

We made our first gossip packet, which entails taking the morning's papers and making photocopies, and then a packet, of all the celeb gossip to distribute out to the staff. We get to do whatever we want to the cover, so this is my real chance to have everyone see how creative all of us at F.R.I. are (the Fall Research Interns).

Oh — you better believe that I took the opportunity to create content, to craft jokes, seen by the entire staff and I ran with it. GOSSIP! also got a logo and a brand identity, baby. Wow, was it a precursor to Pop Heist? Kind of?

8/25/2006 5:33:00 PM

NY Day 9: "These Are The Fables"

My first week comes to a close and, I have to say, I'm pretty much incredibly happy right now. I'm getting better acquainted with the staffers and the other interns. We all hung out, well those of us who hadn't left/weren't going to the Emmys, at Angelo's pizza last nite next to the Ed Sullivan Theater. It's cool to know that while I'm sorta alone in New York, the people that I'm meeting are really friendly and…it's really cool. I look forward to future Thursdays.

Since Late Show didn't film on Fridays, Thursdays were the night for end-of-week partying. This led to hungover Fridays.

The highlight of the week, comedy wise, has to have been Busta Rhymes list of demands for his dressing room.

From memory, here goes…

Turkey
Assorted snacks
2 cans of tuna fish in spring water
a six pack of some type of beer
1 bottle of courvosier
2 packs of Rough Rider condoms

Yes. That's right.

There are still times, and there always will be, where I'm pretty shocked and amazed about where I am. I hope I don't lose that feeling and I really hope that my enthusiasm doesn't dwindle. I don't think it will. Right now, this is my dream and I'm pretty much living it.

SPOILER ALERT: It doesn't dwindle. I was really insufferable, because as all the other interns became disillusioned with our no-pay, 50+ hour weeks, I just became more and more committed. I loved every part of it, even the parts I hated.

8/29/2006 7:39:00 PM

NY Day 13: "Cool As Kim Deal"

The free box at work is great. All the promo CDs, DVDs, books, all that gets tossed in it.

So far I've gotten Al Franken's new book in paperback, The Dirty Pretty Things "Waterloo To Anywhere" and Razorlight's self-titled album, and the "Snakes on a Plane (Bring It)" by Cobra Starship single. I like the free box.

The free box will, 1,246 days later, lead to me landing a husband. More on this in a bit.

8/30/2006 8:49:00 PM

NY Day 14: "Glory"

Today was the 13th anniversary of "The Late Show" and, well, it was definitely the most hectic and awesome day so far. I got a t-shirt commemorating the day. It's white, with "Late Show - 13" written on the front, baseball logo style with "worldwide pants" and "2006" on the sleeves. Awesome.

Of course I still have this shirt, along with three — yes, three — Late Show letterman jackets. Letterman jackets were given out to the staff every year as an end-of-year holiday present, so I got one as an intern in 2006 and a page in 2009. And when my tenure as a page was over, I absolutely dropped the $100 to buy my page jacket, which I incorporate into looks all the time, to this day. It's a prized possession.

The day started off normal, making the GOSSIP! packet, working hard, writing some quippy quips. Of course the copier on 11, where Intern Alley and the research department are, is broke like a joke so I skip on up to another floor where Dave's office is and, as I was going to the copy room, the door to his offices were open and he was walking over Stephanie, back into his office. He said something like "And tie your shoe." So I saw Dave for the first time. Awesome.

About a half hour later, Jenna (fellow research intern) and myself were slaving away on Dave's floor, copying the 34 copies of GOSSIP! to be distributed and talking about whether or not drug addiction has caused Matthew Perry to be mean or not. Then, I see Dave walk by holding Harry, his almost 3 year old son's, hand. They stop and talk to one of the producer's for a bit. It was surreal and really cool.

All the interns had their own "I just saw Dave" moments, like he was the building's Bigfoot. They'd come back to "Intern Alley," the mid-sized room that all 12 interns shared as our own personal work/hangout space, with that look in their eyes. They'd seen Dave. They'd secured the story that they would tell for the rest of their lives after telling someone that they once interned at Late Show. It took me two weeks to see him for the first time, but I'll have two more close encounters.

9/3/2006 7:56:00 PM

NY Day 18: "Lazy Sunday"

Thursday was great. It's a Thursday tradition for the crew and staff to go out to a bar and celebrate. The one most often frequented is McGee's which just so happens to be the bar that the one in "How I Met Your Mother" is based on. I can see the similarity. The creators of that show worked on "Letterman" a couple years ago, so it all makes sense. Anyway, it was great to be able to hang out and open up with the staff, and I did open up a lot too much by 4:30 AM when we left.

I turned 22 a few weeks before I left for the internship, so I was one of the few interns — maybe three of us? — who could legally drink. I'd also only started drinking a few months prior, so I essentially chose to belatedly sow my teenage oats while under the most pressure of my life in the country's biggest city.

During my first outing with my bosses to McGee's, I just ... said the C-word out loud. No context, not to anyone, just ... I just said it, and this was a good decade before that word became laundered via Drag Race. The director's assistant was at the table (also hammered) and immediately said she was alerting HR and having me fired. I was terrified, but my bosses assured me nothing was wrong. Now, as an adult gay man in 2026, I think about this incident every time I hear a drag queen say cunt. So, multiple times a day.

The best part of the evening was when one of the talent producers said that he could do a great Fred Schneider impersonation. Now, seriously, I had to speak up. The debate was settled across the street at a karaoke/sushi bar where we both traded verses on "Love Shack" with my supervisor and fellow intern doing the ladies' parts. It was awesome and I do believe I was declared winner. Fun, but I'm not going to have that much fun next week. That's too late. Or early.

Considering the stellar career that Ryan Williams has had since this moment, I think it's okay that I still revel in this one, brief moment where I arguably eclipsed his talent.

9/11/2006 7:23:00 PM

NY Day 26: "Sexyback"

The work week was four days again because of Labor Day, meaning that I've worked three four day weeks.

But us research interns — we were complementary forms of Type-A personalities — came in over the holiday weekend to get the entire 11th floor celebrity filing system in order.

Today was crazy. Justin Timberlake. Martha Stewart. Maria Sharapova. Rachael Ray. Johnny Knoxville. Oh man, lots and lots of things to do. "Sexyback" was played so much and Dave's interview of JT was priceless. JT also wanted lots of beer, cereal, PB&Js, and Haggen-Daas ice cream.

And Ryan, one of the human interest guys, found a ventriloquist dummy that he named Dot Miller and did nothing but sad sack comments like "I remember every time my mother called me a failure." So that was hilarious.

The corpse of Dot Miller stayed flung over a lamp in Ryan's office all semester.

9/13/2006 9:29:00 PM

NY Day 28: "The Areas Of My Expertise"

I met Norm MacDonald. I've made it very clear for a while that I wanted to be the one to give Norm his gift bag.

The most glamorous part of the internship had to be delivering gift bags, our only chance to interact with celebrities. Of course delivering a gift bag did not guarantee a face-to-face; it frequently meant leaving a gift bag (a Late Show t-shirt and mug) with a publicist or in an empty dressing room. The talent interns got first dibs, but the rest of us could try to weasel in there too.

So the call came, and I was fetched, and Norm needed "Late Show" shirts, sized medium and XXlarge, and a mug. I then followed the talent intern, delivering to The Rock (or Dwayne Johnson), down the elevator, outdoors past Rupert's, and then backstage…then up the service elevator. I got off walked to Norm's dressing room door and it was closed. I knocked cautiously, and I heard Norm say "hello?"

"It's gift I have gift Late…" I reply and he says…
"The door's open, come on in!"
I try the door, it is very much locked.
"It's open!"
The door opens and there's Norm, smoking, smiling.
"What you got there?"
"Just some mugs and shirts from 'The Late Show,' pretty awesome" I reply.
"Nice."

I prepare to leave, of course, but he pauses…and introduces himself.

This was surprising because we were very much told to just hand off gift bags and leave, no freaking out, personal admissions, and definitely on pictures because iPhones did not exist.

Extending hand: "I'm Norm."
Returning with a hand shake: "I'm Brett, big fan." I said this because I am one.

I actually wasn't? I loved his short-lived sitcom The Norm Show and I just loved comedy, generally.

I then prepare to leave, but after the pause he adds "How old are you?"

"22."

"Well, this must be a dream gig for you."

"It's awesome, I--"

And then one of the head writers bursts in to say hello. I make my escape.

9/14/2006 8:25:00 PM

NY Day 29: "The Way It's Meant To Be"

The Bad: We ran out of copy paper. I had to go to Staples on 57th and 6th (Letterman is on 53rd and Broadway, which is between 7th and 8th). Get some copy paper, at least three boxes. The snafu here is that it's raining. And that I'm an asthmatic wimp, and one is almost more (and by almost I mean definitely) than I can handle. So I carry it a block, in the rain, cardboard box soaking now, put it down, try to get a taxi. Nothing doing. I try this a couple more times. Eventually, probably 20-30 minutes of standing in the rain with a soaked box of copy paper, a taxi pulls over. So fun.

Still, I would have rather died than leave that one box of copy paper stranded on a corner. Whatever the Late Show needed — !

The Good: Control room. And man oh man, what a great show for the control room. Seeing how a real, REAL, tv production goes is just fascinating. Everyone says "ready," not "standby." So, wondering why we're taught "standby"? And, duh, the director doesn't cue every item but I think that's more of a multi-cam teaching tool. But anyway, it was great to see things being cut, added, the producers doing their job, the timing, everything.

I was such a multi-cam TV production nerd. I remember what it felt like to have passion.

And I finally saw Alan Kalter today in the control room.

That's about it. Tomorrow night, the IFC Center is screening the "Buffy" musical at midnight, "Rocky Horror" style with interactive gift bags and karaoke and encouraged singalonging. I'm going. Saturday I hope to find some new eyeglasses somewhere. Sunday I'm going to see Assscat 3000 at UCB, which is what Amy Poehler sometimes performs in. Fingers crossed she's there.

I attended the Buffy singalong with one of my research bosses, Danielle Thomson, who remains the coolest person I have ever met.

Danielle was a cultural polyglot, interested in everything and up for anything, always a packed schedule of the most disparate events, able to hold her own in any conversation about anything with the quickest wit. She was easily the big sister to all of us interns; she would absolutely party with us, but then she'd make sure we got home safe or had a couch to crash on if "get home safe" meant ride the subway alone, drunk, for 45 minutes to Bensonhurst at 2 a.m. I don't know where she is now (while we were thick as thieves during my internship, I was one of nine interns she had that year alone and I just assumed I faded into the blur of interns after a while) but you could tell me she's doing anything — C.I.A. operative, barista, archaeologist, coup leader, cannabis influencer, award-winning documentarian — and I'd believe it.

And Kate Mullaney, the head researcher — if Danielle was our big sis, then Kate was ... not related to us. I mean that in the best way. Kate, although I assume not much older than us, was clearly Our Boss. She had it Together, and was in charge. We all desperately wanted Kate's approval. We wanted Kate to think we were cool, because she was cool. Oh — Kate was Daria and Danielle was Jane, y'know? Kate went on to Last Week Tonight with John Oliver, which absolutely matches the intellect and whispered, razor wit that I remember her having.

9/18/2006 8:56:00 PM

NY Day 33: "Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip"

So tonight was "Studio 60"'s premiere and, seriously, I can't believe how awesome that show is. If anyone ever wonders what I do, what I want to do, what I used to do, watch that show.

God, I was such a nerd.

10/5/2006 6:58:00 AM

NY Day 50 "Feelgood By Numbers"

Yesterday I saw Dave again. I was walking past his glassed-off office area to go up the stairs and he was exiting, t-shirt and shorts, holding a basketball. I quickly averted my gaze and went upstairs. I still never know what to do.

We also did not have a guest booked for today, so the talent people were here until 10 last night booking someone. That meant that all the researchers had to stay so they could research the guest. This was a lot of fun since I got to watch the premiere of "Lost" in the research office. Amazing! The first minute BLEW MY MIND.

I really relished every moment that I was in the office after hours. Fifty hour workweek? Ninety? Sure. Why even go back home? There's a couch in the research office.

Also, in the second stack of free CD's I got on Monday, I acquired The Go! Team album, "Thunder, Lightning, Strike." Oh man, it's really really amazing. Riffy guitars, explosive percussion, flutes, 70s cop show horns, "Peanuts" like piano melodies, old school hip hop style chants mixed with 60s girl group style vocals, and oddly enough half the songs are intrumentals. Yes! I hate instrumental music, but these songs are all under 3 minutes (no droning) and all so upbeat you have to tap your feet. Yeah, pretty darn amazing.

The Go! Team go on to become, quite possibly, my favorite band of all time. They soundtrack my move to New York, my coming out, my entire sketch comedy career, the best and worst moments of my life. And on January 26, 2010, on my first date with a really cute guy who asked me out on OkCupid and then made sure to follow up, because I was bad at replying to messages, I specifically talked up this album — the album that was sent to The Late Show by The Go! Team's label and then put into the free box. The guy went home and listened to this album and, upon discovering that I had taste he could trust, that sealed it for him. Now he's my husband.

10/9/2006 9:10:00 AM

NY Day 54 "Ghost Boobs"

This was a pretty cool weekend. Friday I went to UCB again (time number 7) and saw Death By Roo-Roo again. They had Rob Huebel, Paul Sheer, that one guy whose name I can't remember, and original UCBer Matt Walsh with them. It was really awesome and, pretty much, excited about taking a class there in a couple weeks. And terrified.

That "one guy whose name I can't remember" was likely Curtis Gwinn, future executive producer of Stranger Things — and also future coach of my improv team Iron Ruckus in the summer of 2009.

Thursday night, backtracking here, was Moloney's going away party at a bar, of which we had the entire back bar area. It was very swanky. A grand old time was had.

It became a running joke amongst the research interns that every male staff member that became a big-brother-esque figure to me left the show for another job — in rapid succession, it seems. I was there for four months and it happened five times!

Nothing much this week. Except Diddy today who needs cue cards for his own song.

Good god, I can't imagine what was on Diddy's rider in 2006.

10/22/2006 9:45:00 PM

NY Day 68: "U-Mass"

This past week was a dark week at "Late Show," meaning that we use this week to catch up and prepare for November sweeps. The most exciting part was being involved in the upcoming batch of "Tales of the Late Show Interns."

This was a running bit on the show, absurdist vignettes in the life of a Late Show intern. The show regularly put the staff on-air, and that included interns. Granted, most of the time if Dave was interacting with an "intern" live, it was a young-looking full-timer. But — I genuinely don't know how, since I never talked to the writers, because I was focused on research work — I was essentially plucked from Intern Alley by staff writer Lee Ellenberg, who put me in three bits during my internship, two of which made it to air.

I was approached on Wednesday to be in one and we taped it on Thursday. I got to do a voiceover in the edit room and be directed by Jerry Foley, "Late Show" director. I really hope it gets used and I'll alert everyone if it does.

It took a while, but it did.

The segment producer that I so ruthlessly murdered was Brian Teta, now the EP of The View.

It's late, so I have to settle for sincere instead of funny. I really love my improv class and what the future might hold.

After seeing Mother at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre on my first night out in New York City, taking an improv class became a high priority. I didn't know how long I'd be in New York and I wanted every experience I could have. I took Improv 101 at UCB with Ari Voukydis, a teacher I chose because I saw him on Best Week Ever once. It was the right choice.

I'm getting okay with the idea of not working at Letterman immediately, since that will most likely happen. I feel that as long as I'm taking these classes and learning about this, I dunno, I'll make connections and become better at what I want to do. That can't hurt. It's almost like I have a direction right now. I like that.

The optimism here is giving me either a heart attack or a sugar rush, if not both. Maybe this is what it feels like to have your heart Grinch-ed?

I'm ready for this week. Bill O'Reilly, Beck, and Tina Fey. Oh man.

And I don't want to see Bill O'Reilly. I just want to be around when he and Dave get into a huge argument.

Bill O'Reilly does, indeed, get into a fight with David Letterman. Immediately after the episode filmed, I had to type out a transcript of the entire interview ASAP, presumably for O'Reilly's people.

11/10/2006 9:08:00 PM

NY Day 87: "Sir Prize"

This week at work has been absolutely bonkers. I think it's because we're in sweeps and have more guests, and those guests are of higher profile. Will Ferrell was Monday, Daniel "James Bond" Craig was on this week, I gave Hurley (Jorge Garcia) and Elvis Costello their gift bags. That was a highlight. I also had to go to the Metropolitan Opera House and pick up playbills since we had an opera performance on our show. I did this in the rain. A lot of rain. Tennessee style crazy rain. I was completely and disgustingly soaked.

But this has been a really, really great week. A lot of new doors are opening up for me and I hope that that continue to open….or be open…I really can't take this metaphor to a higher level. I have to get back to working on Liev Schreiber.

Let's de-vague that!

So, I went on my very first date with a guy a day or two prior to this. I legit did go into my internship praying to find a girlfriend. I was confused.

But I got to Late Show and, despite the intern pool being 75% women, I somehow did not spot my future wife. Shocking! Was this not God's plan? God's plan, I think, was for me to get hella involved with the Upright Citizens Brigade — whose theater is in Chelsea, New York City's iconically gay neighborhood. Granted, the UCB Theatre was on 26th, at the tip top of Chelsea, bordering the tourist run-off from Madison Square Garden, the straightest place in NYC. But one night, I don't know when, I decided to explore the neighborhood. And I walked south.

I still remember walking down 8th Avenue, past gay bars, sex shops, men on dates, gay men living. I wish I could say this story involved me getting a drink (and more) in GYM, but I went home instead. And I think that night may've been the night that I turned to searching for men on MySpace. I found a very cute guy, the same kind of — we did not have this term then and I don't really like it now — "indie sleaze" gay that I was, and asked him out to dinner. He said yes. We dated for two months, where I was an absolute maniac (internally, a little externally) because I had never officially dated someone that I was sexually attracted to before (although whether or not we were officially dating was something that I did not have the guts to confirm until right after he dumped me in January).

Anyway — I was not out at The Late Show. I mean, I was out to very few people in Tennessee and I was desperately trying to find a way back in when I moved away. But my fellow research interns, Jenna and Ashley, knew something was up because I had suddenly become cagey about my weeknight plans. We were all away from home, so the three of us hung out a lot. I mean, we all went and got haircuts together. They didn't have to pry too hard; I actually think they did the coming out part for me, asking if I had found a guy. I had ... and suddenly, I was out in the workplace. All this even happened at a copy machine.

And the Liev Schreiber thing. During my internship, two of the four researchers left the department — and since I had technically graduated already, I could apply for the job. The application involved working up a research packet for a guest who had never been on the show before, which meant I had to read every single mention of Liev Schreiber in every magazine ever, and come up with questions and comedy bits for him. I interviewed for the job twice and was (rightly) passed over both times. Somehow my "Liev or Kiev?" comedy bit didn't seal the deal for me.

11/21/2006 8:42:00 PM

NY Day 98: "Lucky Man"

Bad news. Again. Richard Simmons agreed to come on our show next Tuesday. This, being a huge deal, meant that Bob Newhart had to be bumped back to follow Simmons. Bob didn't like that. Or Bob's people didn't like that. Whatever, Bob's gone. No more Bob. Just as my original "Button-Down Mind of Bob Newhart" LP is being mailed ot me. For him to sign.

My hero, Bob Newhart. Eleven years later, Bob and I would become sporadic email penpals; every time I wrote an article about him, he'd email me to thank me. I eventually met him, and it was one of the greatest experiences of my life (although I wouldn't have minded getting "Button-Down Mind" signed, too).

Okay — and then Thanksgiving happened, which, I can't believe I did not write about. The Late Show famously (perhaps notoriously?) taped an episode on Thanksgiving every year. That sounds awful, and it probably — absolutely — was a headache for the grown-ups with jobs. But for me? It meant getting to the office early to see the Macy's parade balloons at eye level from the 11th floor.

It meant a ridiculous catered lunch. And it meant my very first time on TV, getting sprayed by Mike Buckiewicz's fake blood. He's now the EP of Morning Joe.

11/28/2006 10:02:00 PM

NY Day 106: "O Valencia"

DECEMBERISTS

I arrived at work, "Crane Wife" LP in bag, and got the permission to sit in on their rehearsal as well as hopefully get my LP signed. I was hoping this would happen since I just spent around $20 on it the previous evening at Virgin. Double vinyl. Very nice.

Kids, you could buy music at stores, in Times Square no less. And the album didn't even have to be a reissue or deluxe variant edition. It could just be regular.

Around 4:00 PM I wandered backstage and hung out until the band walked by me to prepare for their rehearsal. Yeah, Colin Meloy, walking right by me…awesome. He's a lot smaller in person; the band photos they take make him out to be a larger than life character. He's around 5'9" or 5'10". Not so impressive. Still, it too my breath away like a prom anthem.

This is the closest I come to publicly coming out as a gay man. Obviously, I wanted to have sex with Colin Meloy.

Anywho, I made my way to the front row and watched them test their instruments (Colin singing alone was both a joy and awkward). They then did three or four takes of "O Valencia" before moseying off stage. They all walked by me again up to their dressing rooms. Later on, my LP was brought back to me, signed, "To Brett" and then all the signatures. Apparently they were all quite impressed by this item and "hadn't seen it before" and "wondered where it came from." Yep. It came from me. Amazing day.

I AM THE CHRISTMAS TREE

And to make the day even better, I was written into a post-tape with David Letterman and Paul Shaffer. I was wrapped in 6 strands of Christmas lights, garland, tinsel, and ornaments placed on me. I had a star thing on my head. Dave and Paul were shown decorating some off camera object and turning on the lights. Cut to me….as a poor intern done up like a Christmas tree. So I got to be within feet of Dave. And he looked at me. It was intimidating.

Left out of this write-up is that before filming, while I was standing on a landing, my halls fully decked, I looked down the stairs and saw Paul Shaffer looking at my signed Decemberists LP, turning it over in his hands. This was the pinnacle of my internship.

If this makes it to air, you will all know.

I also spent the evening playing Nintendo Wii. I never thought drowning rabies-infected rabbits in carrot juice could be so much fun.

12/17/2006 5:04:00 PM

NY Day 124: "Not Even Jail"

It's been a while, so there's much to catch up on.

LATE SHOW
We're entering the last week and I'm beyond words. These last couple weeks, I've felt pretty darn elated, mostly due to how great my department is. Molly and Ben have been great additions and Kate and Danielle have both become great friends as well as bosses.

The thing I'm going to miss the most is just sitting in the research office and listening to the two of them talk. The thought of not hearing their discussions on a daily basis, makes me sad. Also, the wringer that I've gone through with Ashley and Jenna…oh man. We've come out stronger and better for all of this and bonded into a cohesive fun-unit, or co-funit for short. I'm not ready to leave these people.

Jenna became an incredibly successful stand-up comedian — which is so cool, and such a surprise. Jenna was like the mormon Kelly Taylor (I'm watching a lot of 90210 right now): beautiful, withering sense of humor, professional, and a surprise set of pipes that we did not expect on our first late night karaoke visit. I think Jenna had also been a child star in South Korea? Or something?

And Ashley was my partner-in-crime, the Brett Somers to my Charles Nelson Reilly. She was Liz Lemon, literally before Liz Lemon became Liz Lemon. For example: At the Halloween party, two other interns came as Deal or No Deal girls. Jenna came as a Party City voodoo doll that everyone kept mistaking for a gingerbread man.

I really loved who I was with them, and who we were as a unit.

JOB!
I start at Central Talent Booking on January 8th. I'm a researcher in a department of two so…not sure what I'll be doing. But I have a job…a salary…a title…a desk…and oh so many connections. Pretty much ecstatic.

The only good thing I can say about this is that it kept me in New York City. And I got to see Ke$ha perform in our office well before she was famous.

GRADUATION!
I have finished my Improv 101 class at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater and my graduation show was on Saturday morning. Much thanks to Ashley, Jenna, Danielle and Ben for coming out and supporting me. I could not see past the front row due to the lights, but seeing you all afterwards was a pleasure. I am so proud of my class. Ari often said how advanced we were and how much he liked our class, and we really nailed it. We had a pretty big audience who laughed constantly. All the major problems brought up in class were squashed. I got to perform in front of people again and it definitely rekindled something inside of me. 201 here I come.

Ari couldn't attend our graduation show, so he had his friend Bobby Moynihan sub in. Bobby, after seeing us all perform for the first time, I remember him looking me in the eyes and enthusiastically saying, "You were really good!" Like I mentioned, I'll go on to do improv until the pandemic. And I'll write for a UCB sketch team for three years, and a UCB video team for a year.

SEASON FINALE!
It really seems like I'm nearing the end of season one of my New York experience and it has been a fantastic one. The big themes of the season ("Late Show," employment, improv, my social life) have all come to a natural peak/end/beginning at the same time. I've earned respect, made friends, gotten lots of free stuff, became employed, discovered improv, discovered myself (vague!), and met some really, truly, special people. Now all I have to do is get out of Bensonhurst. I can't handle 45 minute train rides anymore.

lol I will be stuck with 45 minute train rides for the next 19 years.

I did not realize this before starting this project, but, I did four years of college in four months at Late Show. The reason why this show has a grip on my heart, why it is more than a show for me, is because it ... was my cocoon. I evolved beyond myself there. I got an opportunity, and I took it — and then I kept seeing opportunities and taking them. I started doing comedy. I started doing guys (well, singular). I also really started drinking and having those wild experiences that I used to shame my college friends for having. I even did two rounds of job interviews while there (actually three, but who's counting?).

I think this is likely the case for any closeted southern kid who gets a New York City internship. But — The Late Show just had a vibe. Despite being a cultural institution starring a living legend, it felt a bit shaggy, a bit ramshackle, a bit underdog-ish. Our offices were above a theater and a deli. Everything felt very New York (but, like, New York said with a New York accent). It felt like a place where I could make a real impact, where I would not get lost in a sea of interns and pages. It gave me a — no, I already had confidence. The show gave me the kind of firm ground I needed to really stand up — stand up and run. So when I think of Late Show, I think of Dave (and Stephen), and I think about Darlene Love and watermelons and stupid human tricks and Richard Simmons in a turkey suit and cramming Spider-Men into a Jamba Juice ... but I also think of this 22-year-old kid. I love that kid.

I'm not that kid anymore. And I'm clearly in the worst era of my life. I have next to no confidence and an increasing dosage of depression/anxiety meds. And now, on top of all the other losses, I'm losing The Late Show (like this, no less). But, I have to have learned something from dredging up all these old memories. So, since there's no more Late Show in the world after tonight, I want to find within myself whatever's left of what The Late Show gave me 20 years ago, and I want to nurture that passion and optimism again. Be the Late Show you wish to see in the world.

Watch out world. I'm about to do it again.

Thanks, Dave.

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