Wait, a Heist Guide for Halloween candy? I'm an adult, I know Halloween candy.
Yeah, you probably do. You're no dummy, you've been exposed to Halloween candy for years, provided your family was one that celebrated Halloween or you've ever stepped into a pharmacy from the months of August to November. But you know what no one does? Talk about Halloween candy. In this Heist Guide I intend to talk about Halloween candy.
Okay. Seems like your mind is made up.
Sure is, papa.
What … do you want to say about it?
Well here's the thing. There is quite a bit of finesse to the Halloween candy-giving process that could mean the difference between being the house that everyone looks forward to on Oct. 31 and the house that everyone throws corn at or steals their mail. Since moving into a house a few years ago, as opposed to an apartment, I've come up against two opposing forces:
- We want kids to like us, so we go overboard for Halloween
- We want to discourage kids from walking across our lawn to get to the apartment complex behind us on school days
So we've had to figure out the balancing act that makes us still fun neighbors while also being the neighbors who accidentally drop swear words when we catch you crawling over a stone wall like some sort of 11-year-old burglar. Our solution is to go big.
What does "big" entail in this scenario?
Big means big candy bars PLUS small candy bars.
That's insane.
No, it's not.
The way we do it is we have a small-ish box labeled "Book of Spells" that we put large candy bars in. Full-sized Baby Ruth, 3 Musketeers, Butterfinger, Twix, Twizzlers, Snickers, Starburst. The major players in the candy game. And we also have a massive bucket with a face on it (note: we did not paint the face, it came like that). That bucket is filled with mini-sized candy bars, the things you can buy in the "100 pieces of candy in one bag!" offers at Wal-Mart or CVS. When kids come to the door, they can pick one big piece from the "Book of Spells" AND then get one handful of candy from the bucket.
Man, the way the kids' faces light up when they see they'll get BONUS candy, it can't be beat. Achievement unlocked. Everyone's happy.
Like anything else, there are upsides and downsides. Ask me about them so this feels like a Heist Guide.
What's an upside?
Most importantly, you're being a good neighbor, or at the very least someone who can be identified as a friend to trick or treaters. You're making kids happy, you're making parents happy, somehow, and you're coming across as a real neighborhood team player. This means that neighbors are more likely to return mis-delivered packages, invite you to cookouts, and not be pains if your garage band makes too much noise or when you park weird on the street.
Slightly less importantly, you get to eat the extra candy. Whatever isn't eaten when you turn off the porch light? Yours. Legally. Bring it in and take the rest of the night off to savor sweet chocolate and chemically produced imitation fruit flavor. Let it last for days. Treat yourself to a handful of minis after a hard day of work. Reward yourself with a full-size after a productive day of work. Eat them all at once if you're between jobs and need dopamine.
What's a downside?
There is … a cost to this. And that cost is financial. Candy, while being one of the cheaper foods, does cost actual money, especially if you live in an area with a lot of families with kids. And while you might want this to be just another thing you half-ass and toss into your shopping cart without thinking, doing it right does require you to curate your candy collection a bit.
How do I curate my candy collection?
Mix it up. Offer both fruit flavors and chocolate. Throw in some peanut buttered things like Reese's Cups or Payday. Getting multiples of something, like Dots or Starburst, means a kid's enjoyment of your candy just increased by several minutes to several days because they take a while to finish.
Trick or treating is a lot of effort for a kid, and I believe they should be rewarded for it. They plan costumes, sometimes even group costumes, for an audience very out of touch with the zeitgeist of the youths. They get out of the house and away from their iPads. They often leave their neighborhoods and travel. They've navigated your driveway, the sidewalk, the path to your door. Hell, my house has two flights of stairs that are near murder if you're wearing one of those big inflatable costumes. Those kids deserve more than a single Milky Way mini.
You may think you're being thrifty, but if you do this, you look like a Scrooge. You might as well turn off the light and not answer the door. Give these kids options, you will look like a hero. They deserve it.
Where should I buy my candy?
This question is broken into "where" and just as importantly, "when." Big box stores (Costco, Sam's Club, etc) will have the variety packs of big bars. This isn't the old days when you had to be "the rich family who gives out full-size bars" because the only way to get them was buy them full price individually at a grocery store. Buy in bulk, save in dollars.
Big stores like Target and Wal-Mart also sell the full-sized candies but with a smaller selection. However, they will have a large selection of small candies in large packs. These are the "every flavor of Tootsie Roll" or "Hershey's Variety Pack" options and you can't go wrong stocking these. It gives kids options even if you don't want to go the route of big candies/small candies.
Buying online is an option too. Amazon is going to be a big player here, but ordering off of websites for Wal-Mart and Target will also net you the same treats.
Drug stores have gotten in on the game as well, but from what I've seen, it's the chain pharmacies that make just as much money on chips and soda as they do on medicines and sunscreen. As much as I love my local mom and pop pharmacy, they don't sell candy in bulk. CVS, Walgreens, Duane Reade, they'll have these. The same variety packs are available at most supermarkets, big and small.
So, when should I buy my candy?
DO NOT TRY TO BUY HALLOWEEN CANDY IN THE WEEK LEADING UP TO TRICK OR TREAT. Even the most reliable of places will be picked over. All September, early October, those are the best times to buy candy to distribute. That way if you're buying online you can allow yourself a few days if things ship slowly or there are delays. Candy will keep, it's not like you're storing it in a cabinet for two years before giving it out. The closer you get to Halloween, the less you'll find the big boxes of full-size candy available.
How exotic should I get with my candy selection?
I've noticed that pharmacies are trying to get cute with the candy availability around Halloween. On one hand, they're trying to maximize their profits by offering candies that are a little unique, a little high end. On the other, they fucking shouldn't be selling those candies in the same place where you're looking to buy candy for trick or treaters. Don't be the person dumping Ferrero Roches into the neighbor kid's bag. Keep it simple.
You're going to get kids smiling when they see things they recognize, be that a brand, a logo, or a familiar character (they crank out gummies in the shape of anything nowadays). While you may be aware that a Ghirardelli chocolate square is delicious, it's not going to stand up well against a Twizzlers, even a mini Twizzlers that's roughly the same amount of candy. If you want to get creative with it, cool, but please try to have some options for kids that are skeptical of the no-name brand you discovered at Whole Foods that's made with dolphin safe pistachios.
This is going to sound strange, but what about homemade things?
This may have flown back in the 1950s where the only things you had to fear were Communists and missiles launched by Communists, but never ever ever offer trick or treating kids anything besides pre-packaged food. The days of popcorn balls, apples, and cookies are dead, dead, dead, thanks to the mostly unfounded fear of candy poisoning leftover from the '80s. Kids back then had it drilled into our heads that these foods were targets for bad actors and now that we're all grown up and have our own kids, we've kept that lesson front of mind. While you can get a little creative about the snacks you buy kids, don't get caught making them anything. Just purchasing the supplies for candy apples with intent to distribute should land you jail time.
This is a question about trick or treating in general. Is it cool if I leave a bowl of candy out by my front door while I go and party for the evening?
No. You might get lucky for the first couple lawful-good kids who follow the instructions and only take one piece (and for real, if you're only offering one small piece of candy, you're not worth these kids' time), but within the first 20 minutes you're going to be hit by the kid who takes it all and leaves the rest of the neighborhood to make the walk to your door to find nothing. You're better off keeping your light off and not being near your house until like 11pm.
Another question about trick or treating.
This is a Heist Guide about Halloween candy, not overall trick or treating.
Sure, but hear me out. It's about candy. How late should I continue to offer candy?
This one is near and dear to my heart, because I've seen this one go from tears to triumph. Keep offering candy well past when your town says to stop. If the town says "Trick or treating is from 8pm to 9:30pm!" you should keep your lights on and your door open until 10:30, or until you run out of candy. And here's why.
People have all kinds of work schedules. They want to be there for their kids but they can't get off work. These are people who are doing what they can to make ends meet and sometimes that doesn't let them get their kids to all the houses they could have if they'd been free right at 8pm. Every year we'll get frantic adults running up the cul de sac with their kids, sometimes not even in costume, hoping that someone will have their lights still on and be willing to get off the couch and give their kids whatever they have left.
And my God, when you can give these parents and their kids a tidal wave of candy at the end of a long day, it changes you. Not only are you giving these kids candy to last them days, you're saying to their parents, "It's okay. We're all looking out for each other. You did your best and here you go."
Should I give candy to kids without costumes?
Fuck yeah. They made the effort to come to your door and you're not running a costume contest, give 'em the candy.
What counts as "bad" candy? Stuff kids don't want to get?
Despite the classics being classic, kids aren't going to be thrilled about getting "old people candy". That's Bit-O-Honey, Sugar Daddy, Goldberg's Peanut Chews, chocolate Tootsie Rolls, root beer barrels, Necco wafers, Chick-O-Stick. Now, don't get me wrong, there are some tasty treats in this bunch. Give me a bag of Goldberg's Peanut Chews and I'm a happy pre-diabetic. Lemonheads even got hip and did some repackaging and I'd say those are fine now.
But part of the Halloween haul for kids is comparing their goodies with what their peers got. This can happen immediately afterwards when the kids get together and dump their candy out to take it all in, or the next day when pieces of candy make their way to the cafeteria in bagged lunches. No one wants to be the kid who brings Chick-O-Stick when their friends are chewing on Shaq-O-Licious gummies and small boxes of Nerds (like I said, giving out candies that you get multiples of, like Nerds, Dots, Lemonheads, Milk Duds, and Whoppers extends a kid's candy enjoyment time).
Luckily, a lot of packaging does the work for you. No matter if the candy is garbage, having vivid colors, neons, and recognizable characters like Spongebob will guide you into what kids will covet.
What about non-food items?
Giving out trading cards was popular for a while, and I think they're still being sold as trick or treat fodder. You can feel good about yourself, that you're not giving "processed foods" to children, but one kid's Pokemon is another kid's trash. Whereas candy gives a quick sugar high, mass produced Halloween trading cards end up in the garbage one way or another.
Do not under any circumstances give out Jack Chick religious tracks, no matter how Satanic you think Halloween is. You will be absolutely despised for the next 364 days of the year by kids and parents.
Got any Halloween candy tips? Let us know over on Bluesky — or Boosky!
