Francisco de Goya y Lucientes is perhaps the most famous Spanish artist of the 18th and 19th centuries. Working in paints, frescos, and etchings, Goya was adept at stately portraits of members of court as well as depictions of the horrors of war. In 1792, at the age of 46, he was stricken with an illness that left him partially deaf, an illness that came back with a vengeance in 1819, when he purchased the villa that became known as Quinto del Sordo (“The House of the Deaf Man”).
In the depths of his disease, he executed 14* mysterious oil paintings directly on the walls of the villa themselves that became known as the “Black Paintings.” The colors are dark and spooky, the faces are disfigured and distraught. The subject matter bounces between cannibalism, witchcraft, and religious pilgrimages of the damned. While the paintings are untitled, art historians have given them names that have stuck.
So how likely are the people in these paintings to ruin an otherwise good Thanksgiving dinner? Let’s find out.
*A 15th painting exists, entitled “Heads in a Landscape”, but it is unclear whether it was meant to be included with the other 14 Black Paintings on the walls of Quinto del Sordo or was executed separately. It shows the same unsettling color and painting techniques and disturbing disfigured imagery as the others. While the 14 Black Paintings are on display at the Prado Museum in Madrid, “Heads in a Landscape” is in a private collection. For the purposes of this article, “Heads in a Landscape” did not attend Thanksgiving dinner this year.
14. Reading
Believe it or not, these guys are the chillest kids in the whole house. They brought their own manga (ALL the volumes of My Hero Academia, even though they’ve read them twice AND kept up with the anime), they decamp for a back bedroom, and only come out when it’s time to say grace and bring out the bird. While everyone says, “Oh, I wish I’d talked to you more!” when it’s time to leave, in reality they were cool with these guys off doing their own thing. They’re the happiest people in the house by far, all thanks to My Hero Academia and a Spotify playlist called “Lo-Fi Hypno-binaural Dopeh3ad beats” that legit sounds like a robot.
13. The Dog
Like the chaps in "Reading", The Dog is surprisingly low maintenance for being the only one in the house who will eat off the floor, no questions asked. Sure, she begs for little bits of turkey or ham (yes, we’re having both this year after that nasty email thread went around the family) but is she going to steal it off your plate? Nah. Is she going to pee on the floor? Nah, you just took her out. Is she going to jump on the couch? Well, maybe, but we love her and it’s all in good fun. Throw a little bit of rib meat onto her kibble at the end of the night and she’s not going to upset anything this Thanksgiving. You do you, The Dog.
12. Manola (La Leocadia)
Manola is, sadly, the last of the hands-off, don’t-have-to-worry-about-them guests this Thanksgiving. Manola is that cool older relative who lives like in Oakland or something with her boyfriend of 9 years (he plays ice hockey and can rock out on a 5-string bass), but she made the trip all the way here to throw in some wicked snark at the rest of the family and go out and burn one if you want to smoke with her. She used to come to all these family things before she moved west, but unlike "Reading", she was always a chatty part of the conversation and introduced you to King Missile’s Fluting on the Hump album. She’s pretty cool except when she tries to convince you to shoplift things from the 711. Will probably not ruin Thanksgiving, unless she’s successful in convincing you to shoplift from 711, but you’re unsuccessful in pulling it off.
11. Witches’ Sabbath (The Great He-Goat)
One word describes the gang in Witches’ Sabbath: fussy. They’re primarily in the kitchen working over the hot stove, the hot oven, the hot potatoes, and the hot green bean casserole that really only needs to be heated up like 20 minutes before we eat but they’re absolutely sure it needs longer and kinda griping about it. They keep talking about “the old country” when they’re all from Philadelphia. Generally a messy crowd, but certainly not a mess in and of themselves, just don’t try to grab a Hawaiian roll early or you’ll get your hand slapped. Slightly greater than zero risk of ruining Thanksgiving. Keep them happy and you might get some extra pickles before they hit the relish tray.
10. The Inquisition
The bad news: they’re a large group of out-of-town guests that are sure to devour some of the best cuts of meat and large swaths of the really good potatoes. The good news: you’re not the only stop on their Thanksgiving march. They’re hitting you up for dinner but they have relatives about 15 minutes down the highway where they’ll have dessert. The graham cracker custard pie is safe. The apple pie is safe. The pumpkin cookies with that good good icing are safe. You’re sacrificing some tasty food but on the other hand you’re making these holiday wanderers feel at home, and that’s gotta be nice. Also, one of them will trade Magic cards with you.
9. A Pilgrimage to San Isidro
The Hyde to The Inquisition’s Jekyll, these out-of-town guests came a long way for this holiday and won’t shut up about it. They’re wailing endlessly about how the James Gandolfini Rest Area in New Jersey they were hoping to get pictures of doesn’t have bathrooms or gas, and complaining about being in the car for hours even though they chose to live at the shore and travel by caravan. They all have babies and those babies all have colic. It isn’t all bad news though, they snacked a bit on the road and don’t eat a ton. For all their complaining, they did bring stuffing AND stuffing balls, which are the same as stuffing, just as tasty, but mashed into a ball and they taste the same. Still, they moan like the dead about how far away you all live.
8. Saturn Devouring One of His Children
Saturn, for the most part, isn’t a bad guy. He’s got his own company, just broke up with a girlfriend no one cared for, and promises to take you to play laser tag the next time you’re in town. No, it’s his dietary restrictions that no one cares for, and the attitude that comes with them. Everyone’s all copacetic with Saturn’s all-in-one mind and body health fitness program, but the mega-protein diet he’s practicing isn’t winning him any fans. He brought his own Tupperware with things he “has” to eat, and a four-page print-out of how it should be prepared. With the Witches’ Sabbath already taking the reins in the kitchen, not only does his suspicious meat reek like a leaf fire, he’s in everyone’s way trying to microwave, boil, broil, and steam what looks like a human torso. And you want to confront him about it? Tell him to buzz off and use the garage microwave? (You have a microwave in the garage) Get ready for an earful about vital metabolites and protein chains, which honestly sound like the same thing when he explains it.
7. Judith and Holofernes
Judith is a horse’s ass. Everyone hates Judith. Notice what’s missing in that picture? Holofernes. He never comes to Thanksgiving, never comes to anything except Christmas (where he gets something from Secret Santa) and funerals, because he’s always choosing to spend time with his side of the family and they live in Tampa and he’s always worried about hurricanes and uses that as an excuse to go down there to “make sure they’re safe.” What’s he going to do? The guy works at a mattress store and can’t board up a window because of his bad shoulder.
Judith is worse. Every conversation comes back to her and how she could have been a dancer if your mother hadn’t been born. She’s perpetually unhappy, perpetually broke, and perpetually whiny about both. Get ready for her to weasel her way into any conversation she’s sitting near, and go buckwild when it comes to relating anything you’re talking about back to how people at the church won’t trust her with the donation bin anymore.
6. Atropos (The Fates)
Overall, they could be worse, but without a doubt this Thanksgiving this group of folks (think the Witches’ Sabbath ladies, but they don’t contribute anything to the meal) will ask you one, maybe two, maybe God forbid three questions that will mortify you in front of the whole family unit. Significant others are 100% on the table. So are grades, why you’ve gained weight, why you don’t play sports/why you don’t play sports better, your gut health, ill-advised ideas about crypto and why you haven’t invested, half-baked theories about why food is more expensive (it will involve the internet somehow), why you aren’t dating that cute so-and-so that they haven’t seen since you were 12, why your car is so cheap, why your clothes are so cheap, why you’re not as successful as their friend’s child (according to them it’s crypto again), why you’re still collecting comic books, who you voted for in the last election, and the last time you’ve seen a podiatrist because your hips look all wrong.
5. Two Women Eating
You always forget how racist they are. But oh God, you will never mention Chinese food in front of them again.
4. Asmodea
Asmodea and her husband just bought a house. Well, like, bought it 10 months ago, but they’re so house-proud that’s all they can talk about, still. They think it’s super interesting that the grout on the patio looks like this and that and want to show you several pictures of said grout that they will zoom in on like it’s the Zapruder film. They want to tell you about their struggles with the contractors who came to fix the garage lights and don’t get them started on the original estimate the other guy gave them, because what, are we made of money?
You don’t see them put food in their mouths. They only talk. About the house. The damn house. They’ve had the house for less than a year and…you can’t remember them talking about anything other than the house before then. Was there a boat? Did they buy a boat at one time? Do not, under any circumstances, give any indication that you are thinking of eventually moving, because the amount of unsolicited advice will put you off the sweet potato casserole.
3. Two Women and a Man
This is a weird situation. Two Women and a Man are in a three-way relationship, a throuple if you will. And the whole family is surprisingly cool with it? In a frankly mind-boggling display of progressive opinion, this new dynamic doesn’t seem to be troubling anyone in the house. The issue is that this trio is still really new at the whole thing and really excited and haven’t figured out public displays of affection etiquette yet. There’s the odd conspiratorial looks, sure, but an amount of surreptitious touching that is less covert than they think it is.
The new girl, Lila I think her name was, has been fondled more times than the football at the Lions game that everyone is pretending to be intently paying attention to while these three neck over by the drink table. It’s only a matter of an hour or two before someone like your dad pulls them aside and tells them in no uncertain terms that only one person is allowed in the bathroom at a time.
2. Two Monks
Kind of an offshoot of the Two Women and a Man problem, Old Monk here is dating a guy who is way too young for him, who is also clearly on drugs. We get it, Old Monk’s been single for a while and he felt the need to settle down a bit, but this guy he found, Young Monk, is a handful and a half. I don’t even know what he’s doing in that picture, but I’ve caught him licking Old Monk’s hair three times already and I think once he was asleep? He keeps grinding his teeth like an old newspaper printer and he can’t keep his knees still.
Your sister asked him if he was OK since his eyes were watering and Young Monk just said it was allergies aggravated by something called “the turkey smoke” (?) and then ate some gummy candies Old Monk had in a fanny pack. Your mom somehow believes it actually IS allergies and keeps offering Young Monk Benadryl that’s about three months expired, but probably still good, but he keeps saying he’s fine and takes another swig from a massive gas station mug of water that he’s refilled a few times already. Look, we all want Old Monk to settle down, but this guy’s a mess.
1. Duel With Cudgels
I lied when I said that everyone was pretending to watch the Lions game. These two guys are intently watching the TV and nearly coming to blows every third down. Neither of them is related to you by blood, both are second husbands of some of your aunts but feel right at home using extremely colorful profanity toward the game, the players, the coaches, and each other, all in front of several children.
Aunt Deb’s husband is actually from Detroit and absolutely would kill for the Lions, while Aunt Leigh’s is a Green Bay fan and, quote, “would rather see his children starve in a ditch before he watched the Lions win on Thanksgiving.” In 2023 things got so heated that crockery was thrown and a tooth was chipped. This year they’ve already kicked over a potted plant. No one likes these guys, and you kind of hope Leigh and Deb move on from them, as they’ve hinted at several times while setting the table. We could only be so lucky.
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