Pardon me, but I can't stop thinking about G.I. Joe. Call this an involuntary response to, uh, all manner of stressors internal and external. We all have our creature comforts, and my creatures are apparently Fatal Fluffies.
But this nostalgic log flume ride that I've found myself zooming down for the past six months is rooted in a larger phenomenon: G.I. Joe is totally having a moment again. The franchise is back in a major way as a tentpole of Skybound's new Energon Universe line of comics. Robert Kirkman (the creator of The Walking Dead) acquired the rights to Transformers and G.I. Joe and he, along with a battalion of writers and artists, has created a shared universe that is both unrestrained fan service and wildly unpredictable. It's a blast.
So clearly, as an elder millennial who grew up obsessing over Wizard magazine's "Casting Call" section, I've spent way too much time trying to cast my perfect G.I. Joe movie. There's even more appeal to this task because of G.I. Joe's disastrous live-action feature film history. There have been three movies in the past 20 years: 2009's G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, 2013's G.I. Joe: Retaliation, and 2021's Snake Eyes. None of them show even the slightest understanding of what makes G.I. Joe a fun franchise: characters, comedy, and camp.
Yeah, the G.I. Joe franchise is kinda gay. It's campy. It's ridiculous. It's fabulous, evem. I have lots of proof that I ran through while dressed as my G.I. Joe alter-ego, Showgirl. TL;DR: G.I. Joe is way, way, way more Batman '66 than Dark Knight. The movies make the mistake of swapping the bright, garish costumes for fatigues, which are as dull as that word implies. And that mistake applies to the characters internally as well as externally — because there are no characters in those movies. The majority of the A-list Joes were never touched, and icons like Roadblock were replaced with Dwayne Johnson playing The Rock (But Everyone Calls Him Roadblock).
For a live-action movie to capture what G.I. Joe really was, it needs to be a Thor: Ragnarok-esque action-comedy with outlandish action sequences and performances that leave teethmarks in all of the scenery. What I mean is: G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero needs to cast comedians.
Please enjoy Pop Heist's first Casting Call for G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero — starting with this movie's heartthrob lead (IMO).
Jake Johnson as SHIPWRECK
The absolute nerve of the previous movies, to call themselves G.I. Joe movies and not include Shipwreck. Shipwreck is the man, the animated personification of a VHS copy of Jack Nicholson's The Last Detail. He's a scoundrel, through and through, and there are whole episodes based on how bad he is at being a Joe ("The Most Dangerous Thing in the World"). But he's also the heart of the series, which you see in the "There's No Place Like Springfield" two-parter that's widely considered to be the best of the cartoon. This is exactly the kind of guy that Jake Johnson has played throughout his career, from New Girl to Minx. He's hairy, sexy, rough around all of the edges, but he's got a big, beating heart. And you can always see it, because his shirt is never buttoned.
Kristen Stewart as LADY JAYE
We're in the "star power" portion of this casting call, because Stewart would absolutely be at the top of the call sheet — which is right where Lady Jaye belongs! No other Joe racked up as much screentime as Lady Jaye, and she absolutely deserves more than being called "Brenda" by Bruce Willis (sigh). Her primary weapons are javelins, the only thing more impractical than a bow and arrow. The nerve she has! And Kristen Stewart has all of the rule-breaking, husky-voiced energy that this role needs. And yes, she counts as a comedian because of Happiest Season. And again, this is my list.
Of course, casting queer icon Kristen Stewart as Lady Jaye leaves us with the question of who plays Flint. Now, Flint and Lady Jaye are one of the handful of straight couples that I am deeply invested in (Rogue & Gambit, Leia & Han, Jennifer & Jonathan Hart, and Carol Hathaway & Doug Ross). Despite both Lady Jaye and Flint ostensibly being in Retaliation, their dynamic was nonexistent outside of an groan worthy peeping tom moment. So — who plays opposite Kristen Stewart?
Robert Pattinson as FLINT
And here's your big hook for yet another big screen G.I. Joe reboot. It reunites K. Stew and R. Patts, making this movie nostalgic across multiple generations and genres. It helps that both Flint and Lady Jaye are rad-as-hell characters who absolutely should be Big Deals. Like, look at Pattinson. Look at that jawline and tell me he wasn't animated by Sunbow. Plus, I think reuniting these two in what I envision as a raucous — smart — action-comedy speaks to the bonkers career that both of these actors have carved for themselves over the past decade. They can do it all, so let's see them do it all ... while getting hot and heavy in a moat of toxic waste, protected only by a large air bubble projected from one of Lady Jaye's trick javelins.
From one of G.I. Joe's most iconic duos to another ...
Damon Wayans Jr. as ALPINE
Adam Pally as BAZOOKA
This ain't just a low-key Twilight reunion movie. This movie is also a Happy Endings reunion, baby! You want to cast two dudes who have a history with each other, who have an already-established chemistry, to play G.I. Joe's best bros — and Wayans and Pally are those dudes. Alpine was always self-assured and cracking wise, and Bazooka talks in one-word sentences like a burly toddler. Bazooka's reading level would probably increase by a grade or two just so Pally and Wayans can really cut loose together.
Plus, in one of a few callbacks to Joe lore, Damon Wayans Jr.'s uncle Marlon Wayans played Ripcord in Rise of Cobra. The fans love that kinda stuff.
Joel Kim Booster as QUICK KICK
A Hollywood stunt man with an encyclopedic knowledge of movie history, who has a Humphrey Bogart quote for any occasion? Quick Kick rules, and I admit that you can't have a G.I. Joe movie without martial arts action. Joel Kim Booster (Fire Island, Loot) would make for a fantastic 21st century update. A hot, pop culture-obsessed, fame-chasing fitness buff who hates wearing shirts? Honestly, it's giving Gay Culture — and I know! "Lasers in the Night," Quick Kick is straight! But y'all, that episode, wherein a totally normal college girl that Quick Kick is dating infiltrates Cobra? Baby, that episode is camp.
Speaking of martial arts...
Betty Gilpin as SCARLETT
Just watch one episode of the gone-way-too-soon Netflix masterpiece GLOW and you will agree that no one else could bring as much heat as Scarlett. Gilpin has the athleticism down, but she also has a commanding — intimidating! — presence while also being unapologetically feminine. There's a tenacity to Scarlett, a tenacity that Gilpin embodies in every role.
And this is where I mention that Snake Eyes and Duke are not on this list. My reasoning: We've seen both of them plenty of times before, and they're made redundant by other characters in the cast who have not had screen time. Also, Snake Eyes is a masked man who doesn't talk. Just, I dunno, bring in Henry Golding for a day to shoot one unmasked scene and have that be a fun connection to Snake Eyes.
As for Duke, who Channing Tatum played in the first two Joe films, I already have Flint in this cast — and I also have ...
Don Johnson as GENERAL HAWK
General Hawk, the boss of all the bosses. He's tough, he's inspiring, he was played by Dennis Quaid once — and he also enjoys speedo pool time with Ambush in "Victory at Volcania Pt. 2," which is neither here nor there. I just like pointing out times when G.I. Joe was very, very gay. Anyway — casting Don Johnson in this role works because Johnson brings a Hollywood pedigree with him that adds gravitas to the role. But most importantly, Don Johnson was the voice of Lt. Falcon in 1987's animated G.I. Joe: The Movie (to date the only Joe movie that matters). Leveling up from Falcon to Hawk? This is the kind of fan service that we can all get behind.
Keke Palmer as ROADBLOCK
Okay, let's fight about it! Roadblock played by — a woman?! Yeah, and Keke Palmer would be a million times the Roadblock than Dwayne Johnson ever was! Admit it: Johnson brought nothing to Roadblock. Roadblock is always cool under pressure, possesses a natural swagger, and also speaks in rhyme every once in a while. Watch Keke Palmer in Nope or, like, just anywhere. Her natural speaking voice has such a musicality to it that I would 100% buy her saying, "I don't need to see clear to fracture your rear." Keke Palmer is just that bitch, and I want to see her mowing down B.A.T.s with a machine gun.
John Cena as JOHN CENA
Yes, you read that right. As a former pro wrestler who is also one of the best comedic actors working right now, I cannot make this G.I. Joe movie without John Cena. But who does Cena play? Just like Sgt. Slaughter before him, John Cena will play John Cena. There will be no questions asked. He will just be John Cena, and he will be awesome.
And now it's the moment I know you've been waiting for. It's time to talk COBRA. Things are about to get weird(er). Bring on the bad guys!
Billy Eichner as COBRA COMMANDER
This is the casting that started it all. Speaking my truth as a gay man: Cobra Commander is a queer icon. He is a bitchy narcissist who always has the best reads. Everybody hates him, but he's too charismatic to really hate. He's an absolute mess — and it is a crime that we've yet to see Cobra Commander fully realized onscreen. Rise of Cobra put Joseph Gordon-Levitt in a JC Penny blazer, a scuba mask, and a shake-and-go and called him Cobra Commander. The disrespect. This is Billy Eichner's role, point-blank period. No one does tantrums like Eichner and no one throws shade like Eichner. Imagine Billy Eichner's voice screaming about taking control of Earth's animal population and sending whales after oil tankers. That is a movie you want to see.
I also now realize that the color schemes for these images are very France vs. Germany. Hm. Oh well!
Natasia Demetriou as BARONESS
Okay, maybe this is type-casting, but it's my list — ! Whatever, as soon as I watched an episode of What We Do in the Shadows after re-upping my Joe fandom, Nadja and '80s Baroness became interchangeable in my brain. Call this a gay man's perspective, but I think that the reinterpretation of The Baroness as merely a sexpot femme fatale is incredibly reductive! Like, she wears glasses. Basic glasses. All the time. In battle. The Baroness has a dark elegance, a haunting beauty — and is hostile, volatile, self-centered, and petty as hell. Those are all traits that Demetriou brings to Nadja, and she does so in an over-the-top Eastern European accent. Look at them. They're the same.
Idris Elba as DESTRO
There are two things to consider when casting Destro: He needs an imposing-as-hell voice, and he has to have a head that would look good covered in silver. I mean, Idris Elba is the one. Just picture him and Eichner, both with shiny heads, both of them roughly 6'3", screaming at each other until Demetriou reads them both to filth. It's chaos. It's absolute chaos — and that's what the Cobra half of this movie has to be. It has to be unhinged.
Kayvan Novak as DOCTOR MINDBENDER
It's not my fault that What We Do In the Shadows is lousy with actors who play arch, self-serious dum dums with ridiculous accents. That's what Cobra is! And it doesn't get more self-serious and ridiculous than Doctor Mindbender, a maniac who answers the question, "What if Mr. Peanut was a Croatian leather daddy?" And really, Novak's performance as Nandor is very Mindbender-y, if you tone down the sensitivity and crank up the menace.
Cheyenne Jackson as TOMAX and XAMOT
Good lord, evil twins who are equal parts corporate raider and circus acrobat. This film franchise has left so much meat on the bone, and we've been here starving since 1987. As an impossibly pretty and masculine comedic actor, Cheyenne Jackson (30 Rock, Watchmen) would absolutely eat this dual role up. Need convincing? Just watch this clip of Jackson saying "Aquapussy" on Drag Race for two minutes.
Matt Berry as ZARTAN
My last WWDITS cast member, I promise! But really, who the hell else could play Zartan the way Zartan needs to be played? Zartan is a temperamental mercenary who is allergic to sunlight, whose disguises range from Mystique to Gene Parmesan, whose bravado gives way to panic at the drop of a hat, who might be an alien or a genetic mutant, and who speaks with an affect like he's always telling an audience "Thank you, Cleveland, good night!" Zartan is ridiculous — maybe the most ridiculous character in all of Cobra, and that is saying something. But — Zartan is always a badass. I dunno how he does it! But if you want someone to convey that level of high-camp ridiculousness with a straight spine, puffed chest, and bass-y bravado, you get Matt f'ing Berry.
Kate McKinnon as ZARANA
And then you get Kate McKinnon to play Matt Berry's sister, Zarana. Like Zarana, McKinnon is an actual master of disguise, as seen in her tenure on Saturday Night Live. And then her (signature?) role as Weird Barbie let us all see what kind of a wild-eyed weirdo she can be. But — ! Never forget that McKinnon's role as a soft butch scientist/weirdo in Ghostbusters got Tumblr all hot and bothered. Put all of that together and you get Zarana, a sexy sadist who has more wig reveals than a season of Drag Race.
Sasha Colby as PYTHONA
Much like how Wizard magazine always put wrestlers into their casting calls, I will always make room for a drag entertainer in mine. And bitch, Sasha Colby is Pythona, down. The winner of RuPaul's Drag Race Season 15, Colby is widely regarded as your favorite drag queen's favorite drag queen. She is known for being able to do anything, and is without peer when it comes to commanding attention. That's Pythona, queen bitch of Cobra-La and one-woman wrecking crew. And if you still need more convincing, Sasha Colby's spectacular Drag Race finale number ... was snake-themed.
And now, to close out this absolutely ridiculous Casting Call, I present ...
Aubrey Plaza as SERPENTOR
Or Serpentress, since the name is a play on "emperor." But whatever — Serpentor is beyond basic concepts of "gender," for that has nothing to do with their mission of global conquest (and their personal hobby of throwing snakes at people's hearts). This feels like an obvious choice since Aubrey Plaza already got up in Serpentor-esque drag for Agatha All Along. Her role, playing Death, let her embody absolute mayhem. Plaza played every scene with thinly-veiled chaos lurking behind her eyes. She could not be contained. Serpentor is that, an uncontrollable creature ruled by a hellish, furious passion. When Plaza is given the right role, she is seductive, hypnotic, relentless danger. Deal with that, Joes!
And that's it — 20 characters played by 19 actors. The cast is stacked, many choices are off-kilter, but you cannot tell me this wouldn't be the best live-action G.I. Joe movie ever made.
You want a screenplay, Hollywood? Because I am dangerously close to wasting a lot of time on one.
